The Virgin Traveller - Home Again.

Day 72- Day 93

2008-12-06T05:05:00.005-05:00

I'm writing this blog for no one in particular anymore, just so you know. If we can reflect back for a moment, all the way back to when I had even less a life than I do now (yes, 'tis possible), I updated this thing constantly and obsessively didn't I? Oh, I remember purchasing cheap bottles of wine whilst in Canada, or some much cheaper soju (after settling in Korea) and just sitting. Adequate that my ass would hold me up indefinitely, I would type and edit, type and edit for hours on end, occasionally pausing to either visit an all-night convenience store in Korea for some ramen or to nip a sip or 5 from my moms sad liquor cabinet (what kind of a mother marks her liquor bottles to dissuade her 28-year old son from having a nightcap, honestly?). Eventually I'd click 'Publish Post' thereby unleashing my fears, dreams, and observations onto the busy road of the internet in the hope that some similarly lost whiner out for a drive would either get out to pet, stroke, and love me or just run me over in a way they saw fit (my Dad beeped his horn at me by calling this blog 'boring' but I survived with only a broken heart and a hangover).

According to my sitemeter, where I can monitor how many 'hits' I get like the true needy blogger I am...90% of the people who visit my blog still find me purely by accident (like a prospector to gold I says) when they've entered the words, "Korean" and "Virgin" into Google. They stay, according to my voyeuristic sitemeter, for no more than 5 seconds or so, just enough time to scan quickly through my repetitive musings (in the hopes that perhaps I'd elected to fully embrace the clever pun of the blog title by adding some boobs) before surfing right back out into the ocean of the internet, constantly aware of the flaccidity tsunami that eventually well...drains life away!

I wrote that last entry about 45 minutes ago, because since then 'The Bourne Identity' came on TV. What an awesome movie. I wish I was Jason Bourne (sans the danger, bruises, and amnesia) just another regular guy with really cool skills.

Let me think of the ways I can compare myself to Jason Bourne. Just for fun:

1- We both speak different languages. While Bourne is fluent in several handy ones, I can barely mutter myself to work (most of the time the older Korean cab drivers are curt to me, quickly breaking my paper thin defense barriers before raping and pillaging my emotions.) Only love managed to scale Jason Bournes wall.

"I love you!" is Saron-Ay-yo (by the way!)

2- Jason Bourne once explained tersely (not to me unfortunately) that he could run flat out for half a mile before his hands began to shake. I ran to Domino's pizza the other day and had to pee in a nearby bush within half a mile. I'll have you know, I didn't shake either (dribbles apparently come out easier than lost memories).

3- Neither of us know what we are meant to do, but still we try (him much harder than I) to figure it out. He is being chased by agents and villains, whilst I am being doggedly pursued by father time. Eventually he'll catch me and punish me by taking my life (or reward me for you optimists!)...he'll take you too by the way (not Jason Bourne though who will live forever in the dreams of girls and some boys)

4- He gives a female companion $10,000 for a ride to Paris in the bitter cold, while a month ago I paid w10,000 to an old Korean woman so she'd drive me home! (she was also curt and most proficient in raping and pillaging said emotions)

Gosh, I just can't pay attention tonight (its Saturday evening here, so I should be larynx deep in Hite beer by now). I've spent the past hour and a bit watching The Bourne Identity and reading this great blog about the crazy sexism that Korea is all about.

http://thegrandnarrative.wordpress.com/category/korean-sexism/

Anyways, the guy who writes it really has hit the nail on the head - from the advertising, to the workplace, to the clothing choices. I'd give it a read, it'll give you a great perspective on Korea that usually I only hear from jaded feminists (who definitely know what they're talking about, but sometimes can't be taken seriously as the huge chips on their shoulders tend to poke me in the eye). By the way, I am not talking about you Liz so put the scissors back (better make a pot of coffee just to be on the safe side!)

So anywhoo - as I try to avoid staring compulsively at the never-stopping hourglass that is my life (that's not meant to be a morbid comment, just a poor 'dust in the wind' kind of musing) I know I have to stop being such a lazy asshole.

Its not fear anymore, its just plain laziness.

I'm surprised I even wrote a blog.

Day 39 - Day 71

2008-11-14T19:27:00.005-05:00

Living in Ulsan has not been all its cracked up to be. Though I like my workplace and a large majority of the kids, I still yearn for the weekend like a prostitute yearns for warmer weather in the dead of Winter (and a better reference letter). The only problem is that when the weekend does roll around Liz and I are either sick with colds (the children love nothing more than coughing or sneezing in your face and then requesting a hug), stuck inside due to bad weather (acid rain here hasn't helped my Phantom of the Opera-like complexion), or at a loss of what-to-do without having to end up at some bar drinking bacteria-laden draft beer hours before you have to work all day with 4 and 5 year-olds.

As well over 2 months has already shot by, I keep telling myself in the mornings to write like a fiend when I get home at night so I have something to show Spielberg and his mates when I get back to the Western world...but alas, I always find myself sitting on my couch eating leftover curry and complaining of a 'tummy ache'. This ache is either the constant physical reminder that procrastination sufferers endure, or just that my stomach can no longer handle curry twice a day...lets hope its not the latter!

Here are some pictures from the recent Halloween Day our school had:

One of my absolute favorites on the left Alice - incredibly sweet and smart.

One of my favorite classes caught off guard (I didn't yell 'cheese') Dream class.

My favorite boy in the school Justin who has gone to the Netherlands for a few months.

Liz and I after a long night of drinking...no wait....usually, I look like the witch after so this must still be at the Halloween thingy.

My 'task' for the day was selling 'Zombie Food' to the monster children. They used IPS dollars they had earned over the past couple of months (for being good, speaking English, not defecating on the floor) to buy little treats served in a fey piratish-way by moi. An autographed picture of myself was offered for 200 IPS dollars, but I had no takers.

Liz in the middle of her task, explaining that game "Witches Body" where the children close their eyes and have to touch things from the "Witches Body". I balked at this and became extremely jealous until Liz explained patiently that though she is dressed like a witch, the children would in fact be touching food hidden in a box (like spaghetti for the witches brain, carrot sticks for the witches finger, my poo for the witches poo, etc.)

In other news Liz and I get vacation soon enough and I have been trying like mad to find a good spot to tan away my paleness once again. I believe we've settled on a spot in Indonesia called Gili Air, which is just off a huge island called Lombok in Indonesia. There are 3 islands that make up the "Gilis" and this particular one would be Simon (from Alvin and the Chipmunks) as it has a higher local population (thus more culture) and seems to spend more time reading than drinking. The other two islands Gili Trawangan and Gili Meno (Alvin and Theodore respectively) can be easily reached by speedboat. I had been looking at some places in the Philippines until after further research (and Liz loudly huffing and puffing over my shoulder) I discovered that a fair number of the guests (pictured in photos from the guesthouses websites) all seemed to have Filipina hired-women on their arms. With a little more digging I also discovered that many gave advice on how to "find" these "girlfriends" and how to pick the 'right' one. I know its everywhere (sex trafficking is Korea's 3rd largest industry), but if I can avoid having to endure conversations with a few pathetic middle-aged men and their 'teen' girlfriends-for-a-day than I will. For example, apparently there is a place called "Angeles City" in the Philippines that is almost exclusively for these kinds of patrons...although I am sure from past experiences that there are also many other identical "Angeles Cities" in all the other SE-Asian countries that survive on the money from these open-walleted, 'starved' tourists.

Another couple downsides to this possible destination is that Indonesia is 8 hours flying time away (making an expensive and time consuming flight), there is a great risk for boredom once snorkeling and reading are exhausted, and the food is mainly seafood (something that I don't mind but Liz is not a big fan of). Here is a quick link about the Gilis if you care to read more:

http://wikitravel.org/en/Gili_Islands

Trying to avoid the mass drinking culture this year has also seen me take up a new past-time of doing puzzles and playing board games.

HIP.............

HIP..............
HOORAY!!!!

And the most important thing is that I'm not doing it alone! 9 1/2 more months!

Day 4 - Day 38

2008-10-13T06:41:00.003-04:00

Hi there!

Wow, its been well over a month since I've started my 2nd tour of duty in Korea. So much for updating this damn blog everyday eh? My laziness knows no bounds, and apparently no borders!

So whats been up with me? Well, I won't bore you with going over every single detail (from eating to pooping) like I've tended to do in my previous blogs. Instead I will just bore you with a rundown of how life has been treating me here in the Asian city of Ulsan, the Hamilton of South Korea (only Southern Ontario folk will understand that comment).

The school Liz and I work at is an actual kindergarten. Its not a hagwon run by a corrupt inept Korean businessaen who'd sooner open an orphanage-for-profit than a school (for corrupt orphanages look no further than Thailand and Cambodia built for those tourists who 'need to make a difference'). As it is a real school filled to the 3rd floor (the 4th floor is a roof surrounded on every side by high-rise apartments where the students mothers can monitor us constantly) packed with the wealthy children of Ulsan raised by soccer-mom Koreans, a teacher cannot get drunk and slag off like they would in a regular English school. Here, if you don't prepare your classes, not only do you quickly sink like a rock clutching your little ones (you all go down screaming) but you must then answer to your supervisors. These 18-hour workday Koreans will slice off your balls one by one should you not know exactly how you are going to spend each and every minute with these squealing bags of money. A person from the head office in Seoul even comes down to watch your classes and rip you to pieces with advice and notes designed to make you a better teacher (something I still never plan to actually be). In short, you must prepare and you must meet their expectations.

And you know what? That's exactly what a lazy, asshole like me needs. Last year, I wasn't abusive to the students, I barely yelled and never (rarely) came in drunk...hungover is different but I blame the soju and nightly peer pressure. What I never did though, ignoring all advice (yes mom, I am referring to your back country driving) was prepare. I would come stumbling in at 2pm, barely awake (I did just live across the street from my school), smelling of sleep and an assortment of the previous nights drinks, grab the 'teaching book' from the scowling Korean teacher - grunt "what page?!" as I skulked into the classroom.

Nothing good ever came from that. But still I did it. Within months I'd realized that once Hangman was offically dead (ba dum bum), photocopying "topical" word searches was the key. If a fellow teacher had done the same word search with the same class the day prior I simply told the hateful students to do it faster and "with even more English than yesterday!". God help me if the photocopier was busted that day, and God help the students too who would than be forced to stare at me for a full hour drawing crude penis-shaped drawings on the whiteboard before angrily erasing it...mumbling aloud, "elephants trunk looks like a damn penis again...why haven't these kids learned the word penis yet?! Make my job a whole ^%$lot easier! Uh-oh teacher just had another barf burp!".

I can't do that at IPS. But even if I could, I wouldn't. Even though I never thought it would happen, I actually am enjoying teaching the little ones...and wouldn't you be surprised to know that they are in fact improving day by day? As I may have mentioned in my previous blog, oh about a month ago, I am the primary English teacher for the year 6 students. Now saying that they are a 'Year 6' doesn't mean that they are in fact 6 years old, for as I am in Korea and they consider a newborn to be a year old the minute they "fly" out of the warm amniotic nest they are only about 5 in Canada. There are about 12 to each class and they get highly offended if you don't remember their names or if you don't praise them for drawing animals multiple colors. And boy do they get annoyed if you mistake them to be a "sweet little girl" when in fact they are a "boy".

I've only managed to do this once to a little chubby-cheeked, bowlcut-haired boy (who looks like a girl) whose name is Roy. I could never understand why he kept scowling and saying what I assumed to be "I love you!" in Korean whilst crossing his arms angrily. Until one morning a few weeks ago he came in and after brushing off one of my standard, "and hows my little princess today!?" lines I turned to Liz in a huff and haugtily declared that Roy was "one angry little girl". Liz laughed and surprised me with the fact that Roy was a Boy.

Boy was I surprised!

Anyways, though the work week is long and the pressure is on from 9-5 I am having fun and making more cash than I did last year. Knowing instantly that I love nothing more than adoring fans (even ones who poop themselves once or twice a week) I have become the main person who does the "morning announcements" everyday (nobody else wanted the job anyhow). I begin each "meeting" with a long "Goooooooooood morning IPS!!" a la Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and talk slowly and clearly about everything from the weather to what movie I watched the night before and what I felt about it (teacher loved True Lies and was so surprised to see Jamie Lee Curtis was so beautiful with no clothes on!). Sometimes when another teacher is filling in, I am called in for special segments. Tomorrow for example, I must teach the kids our new Halloween song which is a modified version of Jingle Bells. Considering I often, albeit accidentally start off these modified songs about 3 octaves too high (from a rich base to a ball-crunching soprano) it usually makes for an interesting couple of minutes. Also, since we have to play some of the songs over and over again (easier if they are on a CD) I find myself singing the songs obsessively throughout the week. I've had many a teacher tell me to "shut up" because I wouldn't stop singing a famous Korean folk song called Arirang. If I ever have a movie of my life and there is a musical montage of my time in Korea, this would be the song I'd like played over it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCRR_4Gexm4 - this is a 48 second short version with words but no video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdzzzhdwcFU - this is a Korean dude playing the flute but with no words - I think it better captures the beauty of the song (yes, I am applying lipstick and ladies stockings as I say this)

By the way, Craig or Dan or Dad or Mom, can anyone guess what awesome 80's movie features this song (it is played throughout, though it changes a bit and is even hummed by one of the main characters whom I compared myself to very early on in my first couple of blogs back before I left for Korea for the first time?). Hint: who is the most awesome Korean movie character we know?

Since discipline is very important in our school I've managed to draw a good line between being a teacher and being a friend. The kids know (yet constantly 'forget') not to talk when the teacher is talking (or doodling), not to fight (action speaks louder than words I yell to encourage physical violence!), and to "sit nicely". This sit nicely thing has always cracked me up, for when the kids start crawling around (which would inevitably lead to one of them walking into a wall and crying bloody murder) all you have to do is bark, "sit nicely!" and the children will sit ramrod straight with their legs crossed and arms folded nicely on their little laps. One little boy though, a daydreaming boy named Jay who we were told to watch closely as he tends to rip his socks to bits if not monitored closely, refused to "sit nicely" one day and instead insisted on bowing like he was about to be knighted (head bowed, on one knee). I of course thought this was the funniest thing I've seen since I crapped myself a year prior, and rewarded his loyalty with a heavily-valued (and more stable currency than Canada) IPS dollar - which they collect with a rabid fervor to spend at the end of the month on a market day where I can guilt them into buying me candy.

Anyways, the class saw how I reacted to this little sock-destroying boy bowing like a brave knight and, knowing how impressionable I am, suddenly all began doing it with a gravitas usually only given to real Kings. Delighted that they would do this, I spent a huge chunk of class going through the militaristic drills of "sit nicely!", interchanged with "sit nobly!". Now, in front of any teacher, whether sitting in a line outside the auditorium or misbehaving in their classroom I can bark "sit nobly" and seconds later I have a band of tiny gallant knights. Some teachers laugh with delight, others frown in confusion (and jealousy).

Though it is highly amusing now, it will no doubt become a heartwrenching tableau when I must leave them in 11 months, when a new teacher replaces me.

I don't think I will teach the kids: The King is dead, long live the King!

"Sit Nobly!" will die with me.

Day 1 - Day 3

2008-09-21T19:25:00.001-04:00

Hi there!

My goal was to update this blog daily - keeping it short and sweet with as little commentary as possible for the full 365 days I am contracted to be here...but alas, that just didn't happen and probably won't so here is just the first few days in a nutshell.

First of all...why go back? Wasn't a year more than enough you say? Well, having saved a fair bit of cash last year Lizard and I went traveling around southeast Asia for 6 weeks. We spent a day in Korea before making the long journey back to North America, land of the kimchi-free back in late March. A few weeks after settling at home we then high-tailed it to Europe for another 6 weeks and promptly blew what little money we had left. Liz bought tons of gelato, whereas I bought tons of beer and gelato. Returning home peniless, Lizless (she went back to the States), and lacking a CEO-worthy resume I floundered. Oh, how I floundered.

I drank martinis with my dad, whiskey with my older brother, beer with my twin, and all of the above with my mom (including lots of boggle). I traveled back and forth between Toronto and Michigan on the Greyhound to see Liz and her family and quickly depleted what little money I had left. And so began the handouts; mom paying for all food and life necessities, and my papa paying for dinners and other must-haves (a boy needs manicures). Always ready to accept charity my brothers also took me out for dinners and paid for them (giving me the doggy bags on my insistence).

You could say I looked like Martin Sheen at the beginning of Apocalypse now, but at least he eventually put clothes on and took a shower.

The only reverse culture shock I really experienced was how everything in Canada had stayed exactly the same...sure, I'd changed in my worldview but thats about it. The souvenir I'd brought home with me was one I hadn't expected, this being the absolute refusal to accept a minimum-wage paying job. If I was going to whore myself, I now felt I deserved more for it, as my Asian customers had spoiled me so.

Months later after accepting that procrastination was costing me (and my family) more than just my dignity I made the decision to give it one more year in Korea with the goal of saving cash.

After weeks of delays due to my own laziness and the ineptitude of the Korean embassy in Toronto I got my E2 visa on Thursday Sep. 4 and had a plane ticket booked for the morning of Friday the 5th.

Toronto to Chicago to Seoul to Busan. If all went according to plan (ie- the plane not crashing) it was to take about 23 hours from door to door.

Day 1 - Goodbye, oh Hello.

Having just booked my ticket the day before, I hadn't given my bowels the proper time to go through the 7 stages of "whats going on!!?" diarrhea so it was no surprise that I woke up that morning with cramps similar to having eaten an Indian dinner of Drano Tikka Masala the night prior. With my bags meticulously weighed and packed (thanks Mom!) and Liz holding me upright (I was freaking out) we made it to Pearson airport in time for my bowels to say a fond farewell to regular toilets for the next year (my thighs shuddered at the thought of the infamous squatter potties). Many things freak out a person moments before they are 'shipped out'. Sure I wasn't facing gunfire in Iraq or malarial bugs in Africa but I was willingly putting myself (well, my butthole) in the line of fire of dozens of ddongchimming schoolchildren - and thats scary enough. Bullet wounds eventually heal, but the mental anguish of being ddongchimmed lasts a lifetime. Even buckets soju can't squelch that violating fire.

Anyways, after a US border guard chastised me for writing "Busan" rather than "Pusan" on my destination card, and ignoring my voluntary hangul lesson (as it extended past his 6th grade education) Liz and I sat in the Chicago terminal waiting for the dreaded 13 hour flight on a Korean air jet. If you'll remember last time I took this trip back in Dec.06 I was seated about a foot away from the window (the plane angled right where I was supposed to be able to lean) on what could only be described as an airline folding chair. I vowed never to take economy class again but knew it was as boldfaced a lie as when I weekly announce to 'never touch the drink again'.

Imagine our surprise when we boarded the Koreanair flight only to discover we each had soft plush chairs with individual TVs loaded with 30+ recent movies, games, and TV shows. I clapped my hands excitedly like a special-needs child knocking apple juice on himself and others while settling in for the long flight (undoing my pants and removing my socks). I watched movies, drank the free wine they offered, wore the soft blue airline socks we were given, and got violentally angry at the onboard blackjack game (I tried swiping my VISA on the TV screen to no avail). The friendly airline attendant even offered to teach me how to eat my bibimbap dinner but I smiled smugly and told her there would be no need as I'd already lived and worked in Korea for a year. Before I could put on my corduroy jacket with the teacher armpatches she'd walked off leaving Liz to give me her "you're pathetic" raised-eyebrow look.

We ESL teachers never get the respect we feel we deserve, which is why the majority of us drink, blog, and feign an air of importance.

Long flight short - we made it to Seoul and balked at the familiarity of it all. All around us were the pushy ajummas with wide-brimmed hats and poorly matched clothes, the baby-faced machine-gun toting Korean soldiers who chatted merrily to one another, and the Konglish signs greeting the international travelers ("This is YOU to be happy in Sparkling Korea!").

Arriving late Saturday night in Busan (not Pusan like the fat racist US home security guard belched) we were greeted by Simpson, our friendly maniacally-driving Korean recruiter who welcomed us back with open arms and cigarettes. Moments into the hour-long drive into Ulsan Liz noticed that my eyes had filled with tears yet again. Not knowing whether it was due to the realization of being back for another full year, or if it was the crooning from the latest 'hit' Korean song that would no doubt be played for months on end Liz mouthed "its okay" over and over again. Sensing my fear Simpson regaled us with his continual fight with the Korean consulate in Toronto over the delay of my E2 visa (apparently he went so far as to tell them that he paid their salaries). So thats why they seemed to hate me so much.

Before the multitudes of neon signs could kickstart my epilepsy we had arrived in Ulsan. We pulled up behind a large white SUV, a similarly expensive car the singer R. Kelly would use time and time again for his portable pee parties and briefly met our new directors - a husband and wife team.

We followed them (too close in my opinion) through side streets and up hills, careening over drunk men and narrowly missing cabbage-toting ajummas. Bright hopeful lights from the 30-story high apartment buildings gradually dimmed as we drove deeper and deeper into the ghetto of Ulsan. Figuring that we were only on a short side trip to teach us the dangers of drugs I was not delighted to stop moments later at a 4 story high building that sat across from a small park with a metal dump next to it...our new home.

We lugged our luggage up the stairs and the stinging sensation from my tears got replaced with a burning in my calves. The smell of my new apartment was strong enough for me to make a quick and likely accurate visualization of the tenant prior to me. He was a lonely old, chain-smoking Korean man who died sadly on his toilet weeping with every inhale and moaning with every exhale. I was his replacement. Sigh.

The directors were nice enough (or non-informed enough) to have purchased some supplies for me which they began to rapidly put away. Simpson walked around the tiny apartment preaching its beauty and splendor with open-arms. He excitedly turned the apartments light switches off and on, marveling aloud at the miraculous invention of the incandescent bulb before he took me by hand to teach me the delicate and fascinating nature of the 'bidet' in the washroom. After what seemed like forever they departed with Simpson still announcing his plans to move into the unit across from mine, and I was alone. I wasted no time in curling into a fetal position and dreaming of a faraway Canada.

DAY 2

Liz and I lazed around all morning and ate the eggs the directors had purchased for us for breakfast. I used the bidet about 9 times too many before we elected to venture out of our maze-like neighborhood with only a vague understanding of where we lived. We almost wept with joy at discovering the local Starbucks and would weep further when browsing through a nearby grocery store, instantly missing the wide selection we had had back in North America. We got into a taxi and mumbled the always trusty "Emartuh ka jew say oh!" hoping that we would find all we would need at this venerable South Korean institution. After buying a few groceries and some hangers we hopped in another cab and tried another department store, hoping that it would get us in the vicinity of our area. 4 cab rides later, drenched with sweat and with several swear words exchanged we made it back home. We made a curry and felt instantly better and gassier.

Day 3

Simpson had explained to us the night we arrived that our director would pick us up for our first day of school on Monday morning, sometime between 8:15 and 9:00 - a nice 45-minute window. Having now gotten re-aquainted with the Korean accent I think he meant 8:50 and 9:00 - oh well. Anywhoo - he drove for a fair bit of time as I frantically tried to remember landmarks for when we tried to make it back solo. Knowing that there was a kimbap place near a cellphone store was useful in theory but anyone who travels here knows that kimbap places and cellphones stores are more plentiful than Tim Hortons in the suburbs of Toronto.

The school itself was created for the wealthy of Ulsan to send their tiny children for the day. Its not actually a hagwon but more an all-day prechool. Walking in the front door my eyes fell to the nearby closet packed several shelves high with hundreds of tiny shoes. A moment later I heard the pitter patter of the hundred or so slippered feet above me punctuated with several shrieks. So many shrieks. Before I could register what was going on a tiny Korean boy magically appeared in front of me. I waved hello to him and he shyly waved back. Turning away from him I had barely begun to walk to the teachers room when 13 or so kids circled around me. Saying "hi there!" and waving pathetically I feebly greeted the tiny children with as much courage as I could muster before high-tailing it to the safety of the teachers room. There, I met the resident teacher and all-around savior Josh who I would later learn was the sole foreign teacher of IPS having been abandoned months before by the two other foreigners. Looking tired but cheerful he tried to explain how the school works and handy survival tips but stopped short after seeing his every word fly clear over my head.

The head teacher Anne explained patiently that each class lasted about 1/2 an hour and that we had about 7 to do a day. We were to eat lunch in the staff room, which is provided to us by the friendly ladies who cook daily for every man, woman, and child in the building. Prep. is a 100% necessity in the school, as I would later learn, so every moment we weren't actually in class was to be spent getting ready for the next week.

Without boring you further I'll just say that although I sweat a fair bit that day and met dozens and dozens of 5-year olds with untapped energy I did survive, and the majority of the kids were far cuter and more pleasant and eager than any of the children I'd taught before. Poor Liz was given the youngest kids (about aged 3-4) so I felt worse for her. I was given the responsibilty and title of "Language Arts" teacher and "Math" teacher, so we'll see if the kids ever learn to count past 10. The children's English is actually better than my prior students at GnB, who would just dribble ramen out of their mouthes and babble incoherently when I greeted them. I was exhausted by the end of the day and felt very guilty with the amount of paper we use daily to keep them entertained but I don't mind sacrificing a tree or 7 if it saves the kids from physically attacking me.

Josh took us out for galbi that night and the taste of cold soju actually felt good. The jetlag was present but not as crippling as it had been last year.

Bedtime was, and remains early as the morning seems to come pretty damn fast.

More later, bedtime now.

Go on, sniff it. Smell familiar? Like perhaps...kimchi?

2008-07-23T21:47:00.021-04:00

Liz mentioned to me the other day that aside from an obvious finger-sniffing addiction (if there is an orifice not yet discovered...oh watch out orifice...WATCH OUT!), that I may also have punctuation problems. I tearfully explained that since few read this anymore or ever have, that there was no harm done and would she please go make me a sandwich. As a former editor (not of Tiger Beat magazine, I asked already) she painstakingly took my last blog apart and edited my literarily sinful words, correcting when necessary and adding proper punctuation throughout. So you know what I did instead of appreciating her attempt at helping me improve myself?

Thats right! I watched Beverly Hills Cop! Good guess!
It's hard to believe Eddie Murphy was only 23 when he filmed this awesome, life-changing movie (I decided to wear hoodies and jeans for the rest of my life). Yet here I am at 28 and enjoy poorly pasting my face (here, covered with poo) onto old movie posters. Sigh! I wish more movies today used theme songs like films from the 80's did.

You see, when I don't do anything I get really bored and feel quite useless. Blogging, regardless of how few may read it must make a person feel a wee bit, validated? Almost like just the thought that someone cares about what you are doing, or what you say is enough to not feel 100% useless....maybe just 99% . With a blog you can visualize an audience and use the possibility of them for fuel (or food for thought?), where you can't do that with a diary. I suppose at its most basic, its wanting reassurance versus not wanting it. I don't know. I have 4 diaries but all are mostly empty (not mostly full), so what the hell does that say about me!? You know what, its not so much that I feel like I want someone to say "you're not useless Ken!" so much as I'd like a voice to justify my uselessness, "Ken! Look at yourself! Can you blame yourself for doing so little!? Gimme a hug!".

I'll be the first to admit I don't have anything of real 'importance' to say, at least not here. Forget subjectivity...ask me about the Sudan and I'll ask if its a sequel to something (some would call that comment 'wrong' others 'insightful') and don't bother looking for anything remotely philosophical, or at least 'good' philosophical stuff (for an example of 'bad' reread the last paragraph) as you're more likely to find a guy with no limbs applying cream to...I don't know where this is going. Geez, that analogy died faster than Princess- no - no, stop right there!

Anyways, wrapping my philosophy bit up: If Plato is mentioned anywhere here, its probably in regards to the fact that I ate some earlier this afternoon to test its no-toxicity theory (and as a child-safe suicidal cry for attention). Get it? Plato and play-doh? Oh, go to hell. It was funny in my head.

And thats all that matters! Hurrah!

Hey! If you'll recall, the last time I pasted my disembodied head anywhere on this blog was well over a year ago. Remember? Way back when? As in when I was nervously preparing to leave for Korea the first time, back in October, '06?

Coincidence? Yeah, and my fingers don't smell funny.

Yes, good ol' Liz and I are preparing a return to the ROK for one more round. I tried to do the minimum-wage thing here, okay well, I didn't exactly 'try' at all. But you see, after all the traveling was said and done, my bank account contained more moths than my fathers bedside condom-box; was emptier and less-used than his 'love-swing'. So what's a man/boy to do?
We're using the same recruiter we did last time but are considering working in a different city for more money and more perks (I get to touch the children legally!). Obviously I'm kidding...sure, the children can touch me all they want but I will be there strictly for: teaching the names of bizarre zoo animals (spotted pygmy llamaphant), offering tasty pizza toppings they may have never considered (cotton), and utilizing my ivory complexion when I err ("Look, I'm white so do I really need to know what an adverb is or can we just go sing in a noraebahng and live a little?").

It's also a much easier and more profitable way for Liz and I to be together for a full year so we can work side by side on a plan while there, which was something the both of us refused to concern ourselves with until the instant we touched down on North American soil this past March and quickly experienced the very visceral, all-too-real, punch-in-the-kimchi-filled-gut realization that working overseas doing ESL was much, much, easier than trying to make careers here and now. I bow to all the former ESL teachers who went and came back again but refused the allure to become 'lifers' or 'several yearers' and are continuing to 'truck it' regardless elsewhere. Now now, obviously many people have good legitimate reasons to do it year by year (any more than 5 though, c'mon) - they may have married over there, are paying off massive debt, are trying to perfect functional alcoholism, or just want to see the world and experience first-hand (a very brave thing to do) a very different culture.

Or maybe they were just like me, who after flipping their resumes over and over again, hands trembling, frantically searching for something substantial, anything - finally cried aloud weeks later, 'there must be more in here, there must be! I can't go back to minimum-wage! I'm worth more! I've seen it! More!!!'.

Thats when I decided that going overseas yet again, once more, was indeed okay - so long as there was a goal to be worked towards for the year.

And the time will rapidly arrive (in precisely one year) where I will need to hunker down and actually work hard...where I'll have no choice but to give way to the anxiety, and the fear, and the diarrhea from the food that I'm sure is poisoned by my mom so I'll leave her couch once and for all, and of course, the not-knowing but doing it anyways.

I'll be mailing everything off to my recruiter tomorrow and will most likely be overseas - again - within a month.

Thats enough for now, that reality show with the guy from Poison is on...I wonder if I could do that (win his love, not be in a rock band)

The Philippines.

2008-07-21T12:54:00.012-04:00

This morning, whilst laying languidly (or languidly laying) on my mothers couch, dripping with sweat due to my ineptitude with the air conditioner hampered by my theatre-acting degree sans doctorate in air conditioners - and my own laziness which I attribute to being breast-fed well into my teens (one is offically a teenager at 18 in Canada correct?) I recalled procrastinatorally that I never wrote about my trip last December to the Philippines with Lizzle. Coincidentally, I have nothing to do with my time yet again (notice the building frequency of the blogs and the recent picture below) so I thought, 'heck, why enjoy a summers day happy and healthy OUTSIDE when I can sit and be gloomy and sweaty INSIDE?

My mom and I on a recent Saturday field trip to the laundromat. During my impromptu photo shoot to demonstrate my new $3 tripod I caught my mom anxiously reading the latest how-to from Tides Detergent Non-Fiction Publishing: "How to clean child fudge stains when no fudge has been eaten." Hint: Tide won't do it.

So, the Philippines.

Lizzy and I had been dating for a few months now, and after deciding to go on vacation together when we both had the time off we settled on an early December flight to Manila, Philippines. I knew nothing about the Philippines before we bought the tickets - only that Muhammad Ali once fought there and that it was near the equator. As I preferred lying in my own vomit to that of other travellers we opted to find a spot off the beaten track; a destination as of yet devoid of mass tourism, high prices, and 'sexy' massages...that place turned out to be El Nido- an increasingly popular tourist destination situated in the northern tip of the province of Palawan.

Having done my research by refusing to socialize with others on Friday evenings I contacted the one travel agent/coffee supplier/tourist outfit/breakfast place located in El Nido and arranged 2 seats on the 15-seater propeller plane that would get us from Manila to El Nido. The flights alone had now cost us over $1200 each (return from Busan to Manila, and return from Manila to El Nido). Expensive, but hey, I'm poor now!

A little fact- El Nido is the name of the small fishing town which is the primary jumping off point for the Bacuit Archipelago (unless you are one of the wealthy who can shell over big bucks to stay in one of the two exclusive resorts allowed to set up shop on one of the archipelagos islands). The archipelago has a ton of islands consisting of tall, jagged limestone cliffs poking up everywhere like the acne on my back and lagoons with water so clear and blue you'd think you were looking into my eyes. Many people compare it to Ha Long Bay in Vietnam and Phi Phi in Thailand, having never been to either I'll just have to take their words for it- even though they are most definitely wrong. The 50 or so islands have NO inhabitants other than howling monkeys that guard coconuts (more on that later), no electricity, white sands, etc. It is Lord of the Flies out there. El Nido town, only has electricity for a few hours in the evening - and forget flush toilets - its manual out there.

Directions: Keep pouring little blue cup filled with water from poo bucket over poo until poo goes away. Wait for a few minutes to ensure poo doesn't float back up as it is apt to do. Note: nearby plunger is for decoration and will only succeed in getting poo water on your bare feet.

As you know, I hate doing research on places I've been too as the facts rarely include information about me. For example, did you know that if I sleep on my back I often have nightmares?

So with our identical bags packed, my head shaved due to a recent Britney Spears-like breakdown, and tickets in hand we bid adieu to Busan for 10 days and boarded our flight to Manila. Naturally, we were on a chartered flight filled entirely with recently married Koreans so aside from matching honeymoon clothes (the theme was 'cherry' red by the looks of it), the odor of red-pepper paste (supplied by the thinking-ahead people at Philippine Air), and the silence broken only by the occasional Korean female screams whenever the plane hit tiny bumps of turbulence (followed by a quick 'if you make me lose face just ONCE more new wife...' from their sympathetic life partners) - we were on our way.

My nerves had increased alongside the temperature (freezing in Busan, Korea - hot and sticky as Satans breath in Manila) when we sauntered several hours later into the Manila International airport - it wasn't the Philippines landing card that I noticed had "Death to all Drug Traffickers" for all to see that freaked me out so much as I just didn't know what to expect or how to conduct myself in the first tropical place I'd ever been to (was I now permitted to order Liz to carry my stuff?).

Since our flight to El Nido was in the morning we opted to stay for one night in the 'luxurious' (definitely their words, not mine) Manila airport hotel. The flights to El Nido are very few and far between so we had to construct our vacation around their very tight schedule. The hotel tourist 'specialist' Danny was waiting for us that evening when we emerged into the sticky night air. Grasping my amazingly sweaty palm and slapping me on my clenched buttocks Danny grinned and asked us to wait in the airports scary, dingy taxi pickup spot as he went and got the minivan parked far enough away that he wouldn't be able to hear me scream (coincidence? or just poor timing?). Trying not to show my nervousness (clenched buttocks, wide eyes, and hives) and with increasing worry that we were both moments away from being kidnapped (or kennapped if you will), I quickly reverted to my acting training and began rehearsing quietly -just out of Liz' earshot- the only Filipino I had bothered to learn, "I don't know the white girl but please accept her as my gift".

Needless to say, we arrived 'safely' at the hotel which was as sketchy inside as it was out. With Danny still protecting us (me) we walked briskly through the hotels darkened parking lot (with me now suspecting that Danny had set us up somehow with nearby locals to rob us). The parking lot had no cars but was filled with homeless children mouthing to us with their hands that they were hungry (the KFC attached to the hotel was a cruel reminder of capitalism at its finest) and guys drinking warm beer (warm?!). We (well, I) ran into the store where a money exchange place acted like a light to moths for robberies in my little dangerous world. We exchanged our money into an obscenely large wad of pesos (I had now become the bright light, everyone else moths- including Liz) with this tired-looking woman sitting behind wooden bars in the corner of the store - a gun within easy reach. Money clutched tightly in my hand (my money belt safely tucked where the sun has yet to shine) we made it back to our hotel alive, thanks to Dannys courageousness and Liz' bravery. I cursed myself for being dumb enough for not having bothered learning the exchange rate - something I still do with an irritating consistency.

So having survived the money exchange and thinking very much like James Bond (a thing I tend to do when feeling inadequate and confused which also proved to be my bane in Thailand) I began generously rewarding my recently-acquired pesos to anyone in the hotel who had aided us in any way since our arival 20 minutes prior- from our tour guy/body guard Danny to the woman who plugged in the tiny empty hotel fridge to the bored guy who carried my bag. After I slapped a bill (again, not knowing the exchange rate) into his surprised palm (if a hand could be surprised) Liz said he walked away with a gigantic grin on his face. Without knowing, I probably had just given him a weeks salary. I made a mental note to add 'philanthropist' to my resume..I figured my ignorance had bought me that right.

Wouldn't you know? My bed had blood spots on it! (had one bed bug recently murdered another bed bug in cold blood?)...so I slept fully clothed in a self-contained burka I had designed out of t-shirts and dirty underwear (when in Rome).

The next morning the blood was still there, as my frightened tears aren't so much stain removers as they are pity-inducing. The hotel shuttle we had ordered never arrived so Lizzle and I jumped in a cab and managed to get to Manila Domestic Airport where we beat back the waiting sweaty crowds of locals, went through the manual metal detectors (bored airport employees patting you down like police) and after eating at the worlds most random 'Cinnabon' boarded our tiny plane that was unpressurized (the pilots had their windows open, arms dangling out) and smelled like the backseat of my families old Volkswagen Beetle (where I assume I was conceived along with my twin brother Dan).

At the back of the plane. Terrified to fly but excited to be on vacation. Yes Trish, I am wearing my red travel t-shirt that you've seen many times before.

The flight attendants weren't nervous as there wasn't room for them on the plane. One came aboard and gave us a quick evacuation procedure ("die quickly as drowning sucks") before wishing us well and handing out small chocolates (Liz ate hers before they locked the doors).

Man, am I long winded. I haven't even gotten to El Nido yet and already this particular blog entry is too long! Shoot. Well, onwards and upwards - the flight was scary but afforded some great pictures...

High atop Manila

The 2 hour ride revealed gorgeous islands that I will never be able to own, much less visit unless someone pays me lots of money to do what I do best- whine!
I would settle for any island around here - small or large - beggars can't be choosers.
So after landing briefly in Coron (another popular spot) to drop off some passengers not bound for the most beautiful place on earth - we shot off their little gravel runway, only to land on our dirt runway in El Nido about 1/2 hour later. The departures terminal consisted of a few hammocks and a lunch table. I was beyond excited.
Landing in El Nido.

Next stop: El Nido town!

Long time no blog eh?

2008-07-17T15:54:00.012-04:00

As my friend Court so dutifully pointed out whilst camped out far below ground in his parents basement, my last posting on this dusty public notepad many months ago can only be compared to my facial hair - sparse and pathetic. Wasn't Star Trek an awesome show?
Where does one begin after such a long, eventful (and uneventful) year?

Okay, well to begin with - I'm home back in Canada...for now.

This was a picture taken the night before I left for Korea back in 2006 - funnily enough, my frightened face remains exactly the same whilst my mothers grip has gotten remarkably stronger.

So, even though I plan to write an individual blog for each country I visited and what I did in each (defeating Mt. Fuji for example LIZ) - as I no longer really write for anyone but me and my memories thank you very much (for my 'visitors' now remain strictly family, Court and occasionally perverts worldwide who Google "Korean" and "Virgins" in the same search and unexpectantly, to the detriment of their wieners, wind up staring me in the face.)

Not so much like David and Goliath but you get my point.

So as an intro. the countries I've been to since first leaving Dec.21/06 are as follows:

South Korea, North Korea (for a few seconds), Japan, China, the Philippines, Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, the Netherlands, France, Italy, Austria, the Czech Republic, Poland, and Germany.

I'd only been in South Korea for a week or so and Kevin had me trying to hit on Korean Soju bottles. I didn't get her number, but I did get a taste of her! You see, in South Korea - they give out free booze right there on the streets!

A few months down the road I made my way up to the DMZ with my trusty sidekick Kevin - fun times were had by all, except for the South Korean DMZ soldiers who have to stand there all day staring into the unblinking North Korea!

Unification shumification I say!

After deciding not to go on vacation with me to Japan but insisting I still go with her friends, my co-worker Blake inadvertently (to my knowledge) set me up with this tasty little dish standing next to me at the Golden Temple in Kyoto. Smile Liz!

In early October with my other sidekick Courtenay 'Maurice' visiting me, I went on a massive tour group trip to Beijing. It was a fun time, but no more tour groups. Waste of money I says!

The Philippines. Favorite trip so far. Cheap food, away from anything and everyone (except a ladyboy who parades as a server in the little town of El Nido and a whole lot of monkeys). The Bacuit Archipelago is a mecca for people who want islands all to themselves, with NO power and NO people whatsoever.

We saw these beauties parading down the street in Koh Samui, Thailand. Party on ladies, but for everyone else go to the Philippines - Thailand kinda disappointed me.

I met this friendly baby elephant when Liz and I took a trip with Tiger Tours (a very ecofriendly, and thusly expensive) tour group out of Luang Prabang, Laos. The baby elephant hated our tour guide Lee who was in love with Liz, who I am in love with. So who loves the baby elephant? Everyone! (except Lee)

Cambodia. A hauntingly beautiful country with a horrific past that is all around you all the time- the genocide ended about a year before I was born. We spent a couple days in its capital Phnom Penh and the remainder of our Asia trip in Siem Reap - a tourist mecca.

Click on the picture, I am waving in a doorway at the very top. This particular temple was far steeper than the picture can show. Thats right, I'm heroic.

Amsterdam! We flew in, sleepwalked for a day - and came back for a day at the end of our European trip. I'd go back again if I had more time and way more money.

Paris. Thanks to a canceled Ryanair flight (read more in the coming Paris blog) we spent about 6 days in the 'most romantic city on earth'. Expensive as hell, but great nonetheless.

Italy! We spent about 2 weeks here and visited Cinque Terre, Florence, Rome, Venice, and Modena. Cinque Terre might be the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Here I am eating Schnitzel in Vienna. I had a heart attack soon after this picture was taken. I didn't come close to finishing the schnitzel, but the beer went down oh so smooth. Like a Viennese' babies ass, but fizzier.

Czech Republic. Here I am in this gorgeous Eastern European country moments away from drinking the most vile alcohol (aside from soju) known to man: absinthe. The server dispensed with the whole absinthe with sugar ritual and just gave it to me straight up. Attempted murder I says! We visited Prague and a sweet little town called Cesky Krumlov.

The Polish concentration camp Birkenau (also known as Auschwitz 2). I also went to Auschwitz itself. We spent about a week in Krakow visiting Liz' friend Adam who teaches ESL there. Great place (Krakow, not the concentration camps)

Berlin! Here we are on one of our last days standing in front of a 1.3 km stretch of the Berlin Wall. Berlin was gorgeous...even if my facial hair was not.

Not a bad year for a guy scared to challenge his own shadow to a fight.

If you'll recall my last blog, it saw me surrendering my newly discovered manhood to a manish Korean monster whom I dubbed Samnu. I worked at a well known Korean hagwon for some extra cash at the end of my original contract, and would not have made it more than a month- for Samnu was evil and I pity all who have worked, and still work for this patronizing, dull, ugly demon-like Korean lady.

But once the money got into my hot little hands I ran as fast as my skinny legs would take me, fueled by the indescribable glee one feels when having had their cake and eaten it too (long story). I was finished with Samnu (but one testicle less), my furniture had been sold, and I was a week away from leaving the land of Korea for good in search of warmer, and more inviting climates, namely: Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia.

It was a stressful last week for Liz as well, as she had to work right up until the day we left for our 6-week adventure. Being a lazy couple that would prefer to drink coffee while rehashing old arguments rather than plan an itinerary, we only knew that we'd be flying into Bangkok and needed to end up there 6 weeks later. When the occasional (and rightful) doubt of 'wait-a-sec, should we plan at least a little bit?' entered my alcohol-laden, bankrupting dreamland factory employed with angry sullen workers of a brain- Liz would just smile, roll her big ol' blue eyes up to the sky and say 'whatevs!'. Assuming she was simply being bohemian and not a lazy poopstick as I would later realize I too opted to be adventurous, declaring aloud for no one in particular that I too would take it day by day - a way of life I sought to live by upon leaving Canada...but never fully realized for my year and a bit in Korea.

A minor snag occurred when the ever-busy-Lizzy confessed to me one morning as I busily cleaned her bathroom (knowing that I was busy working on my Liz doll she graciously allowed me to collect any clumps of hair I found) that her passport didn't have enough spare pages for her to get into Thailand with. Hiking up my dress, and gently applying some aloe to my whipped back I offered to take an overnight train into Seoul...because thats what heroes do. I was greatly saddened upon learning that cold evening that every seat was booked and I'd have to stand between train cars with other freezing Koreans (it was February) for 7 hours as the train slowly crept through the cabbage-producing farmlands of Korea. I arrived in Seoul before the subway opened at 5am and witnessed, through the protective glass of a McDonalds, a bumfight!

You see, in Seoul train station dozens of the cities homeless are allowed to sleep on the benches inside, provided they don't cause trouble (ie- peeing on each other or in nearby garbage cans). Well apparently one crazy homeless guy didn't see the 'Bumb Rules' on the wall as he began tweeting this little plastic whistle I can only assume was his 'rape' whistle (he probably suddenly realized that cold morning that the whistle would never be used for its original intent). So to everyones annoyance, and his delight, he blew it as loud as he could while marching around like a 3rd Reich solider for several amusing and non-violent minutes...until another irate homeless guy began pushing him to shut him up (or rape him). Before myself and the many other sleepy Koreans sandwiched up against the McDonalds window could clap along, the crazy whistle-bum suddenly grabbed the irate bum by the neck and flipped him to the ground, quickly straddling his neck with his calloused bum-knees, effectively locking him in place. He blew the whistle a few more times (it was still in his mouth you see) before he violently grabbed the now-not-so-irate bums neck and began to choke him while slamming his head hard against the ground, like it was a dirty pinata filled with more whistles (and perhaps a few tiny airline bottles of soju).

I was about 50 feet away, munching away on my sausage and egg mcmuffin, and I could hear his skull cracking against the stations floor. Thankfully, a few other nearby homeless came to the now unconscious mans rescue by pulling the whistling murderous bum off of him before his brain fully turned to mush. As the bum with the whistle walked off tweeting triumphantly, and the irate man lay unconscious (he sat up about 5 minutes later) the show was over. I paid for another coffee and made my way to a nearby squatter potty for a post-fight diarrhea caused by nerves, excitement, no sleep, and too much caffeine (I imagine its how Batman finishes his day as well).

Bums were washing themselves in the sinks, shaving, and combing what hair they had left so I knew that another day in Seoul had begun. Strangely enough it was the same night the famous Namdaemun gate in Seoul was burnt to the ground by an old-man arsonist angry with the government. Anywhoo, back to my squatter story- with quads as weak as a New Orleans dyke I spent no longer than necessary on the squatter potty and made my way to the US embassy, which was an arduous process that involved me standing outside in the freezing cold for an hour, falling asleep in the waiting room, and getting back to Busan in the evening clutching Liz' passport (now heavier with 10 newly stitched-in papers). I assumed it would be my last visit to Seoul.

That may not be true anymore.

Next stop: uh....Thailand? Or maybe Japan - I dunno - whichever country I haven't written about yet.

snow place like home

2008-03-29T10:47:00.001-04:00

Home now. One more blog to follow.

And maybe another down the road.

Whats the important thing?

2008-01-29T20:23:00.000-05:00

That's the important thing.

After a somewhat grueling month-long job I had accepted since I couldn't get a winter camp (twas' 'grueling' because I had to take the subway to work as opposed to stumbling lazily across the street like I had for the past year) I am officially unemployed. My teaching career is now, for the time being and to the relief of many, hung to dry indefinitely (a la Saddam Hussein). I didn't become the professor I envisioned myself to be, an inspiring motivator the students craved (I was more like Alec Baldwin delivering the ABC speech in Glengarry Glen Ross - but with more swearing). I never once bothered to reveal my thoughts about English teaching to the young eager minds a la Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now:

"You hear that? Do you hear that? English, kids. Nothing else in the world sounds like that. I love the sound of English in the morning. You know, one time I had a class of 13 elementary children, for one hour speaking only Korean. When it was all over I looked up. I didn't hear one of 'em, not one kimchi lovin' body speaking English. The sound, you know that tired exhale after failing to please a woman in bed, the whole classroom. Sounded like... failure. Someday this class is gonna end..."

So now I've got 2 weeks to write the great American novel, correspond with my grandparents, and mentally prepare myself for coming back to Canada. 'They' call it reverse culture-shock. Suddenly everyone speaks English, no one stares at you wide-eyed anymore, there are products galore to satisfy any craving, everyones a little older - and life is pretty much exactly how you left it, albeit with a thin layer of dust waiting to be blown off by the familiar "Oh man, what do I do now?" anxious sigh. But, I am still much farther ahead now than I was so many months ago.

And that's the important thing.

The woman who had hired me back in late-December for this month-long job was unfortunately one of those people who would have to undergo serious sensitivity-training were they in any position of power in Canada. I could tell before I actually started the job that we would not mix well as she was obviously someone who loved the dominating power of her job (whereas I live my life like the noble monkey who immediately 'presents' itself ass-up when feeling remotely threatened). I'd even heard from others that the school was on several 'Blacklists' for this sole reason. A girl I know in my neighborhood who was once employed there warned me, "Laugh at everything she says- especially when its mean-spirited- never talk back, and act like shes the greatest thing since scrambled eggs". I was worried and frightened but like the crack-addicted prostitute who wearily pulls on her well-worn, knee-high pink stiletto boots, who is well-versed with the 'dance for me monkey!'-like humiliations that come with the territory...I too needed the money.

And that's the important thing.

Since I was a 'teacher' hired only for the winter intensives, my classes were small and filled with a huge amount of material to be thrown at the kids, oblivious to their plaintive cries of "teacheruh...no understanduh!", and "teacheruh...one game puhleazeuh? I forget the sound of my own laughteruh!" (accent on the 'uh'). I was to be on a different schedule than the other 7 foreign teachers but as the majority of Hagwons basically operate the same way, I knew where I ranked the second my foot stepped in the door.

The order of importance in an average ESL hagwon falls like this:

1- The owner (usually the director as well)
2- The manager (the villain of this tale)
3- The head Korean teacher
4- The Korean teachers
5- The ajumma (older, tough Korean woman) who often prepares lunch for the students and appears in their nightmares.
6- The bus drivers
7- The head foreign teacher
8- The students (also operating under their own strict hierarchy)
9- The photocopier
10-The guy who fixes the photocopier daily
11-The foreign teachers (the men above the women)
12- The communal slippers
13- The temporary (being paid under-the-table) foreign teacher.

So on January 2nd, I showed up an hour early and donned the communal slippers tossed carelessly in the corner (next to the garbage). Excited at the idea of wearing slippers at work I made a mental note to pack my Ms.Kitty pajamas for the following day.

I also wore my new glasses as if to say, "don't you DARE make me take these off".

After brief introductions to the awe-struck Koreans milling about (I had coiffed my faux-hawk to a staggering height that very morning) I got the gist of what I was expected to do, confirmed how much money I was to make (while instructed under penalty of death not to reveal this amount to the harder-working foreign teachers) and received my schedule. It was a surprisingly easy one; only 4 hours each day, with 45 minutes alloted for each class and a 5-minute break in between for me to run back to the small closet where 13 teachers are crammed like...well, clowns!

So I 'taught' and took my 'breaks' according to the schedule and tried to draw as little attention to myself as possible. Knowing that I was not under any contract and constantly worried that my fare would jump out of the cab before paying me, I didn't slack off. I usually spent the 5 minutes between classes trying to understand the new course for 'higher-levels' that the hagwon had recently purchased (but not fully paid for). It was designed by a young American guy from a company up in Seoul and my hagwon decided to test it with me and some younger guinea pigs. The intensive course was designed for middle-school children and was broke up into segments for debating, presentation skills, essay-writing skills, analytical thinking, and critical reading (I thought this meant that the kids were to read with furrowed brows).

Naturally my class was unable to complete full sentences, much less write an essay causing me to fall instantly behind the absurdly structured schedule. After about a week of panicking and acting like everything was going wonderfully ("little Lily wrote the most wonderful thesis woven from the Harry Potter novels titled "Hagrid- Pedophile or Platonic?") I was forced to present my problems, a la timid monkey, to the evil manager who I will refer to as Samnu (not her real name - but in fact the name used for Satan in Central-Asia). To make a long blog short, she accused me of being inept and stupider than I appeared. She indicated this by merely looking at her co-workers, hands in a 'why me?' gesture while raising her painted-on eyebrows rapidly (like she was trying to quickly dry them). It was looking to be a long month. But at $30 an hour - I was willing to put up with it.

And that's the important thing.

So as you may have gleaned from this, I felt a little stressed at times and needed that 5-minute break like a toilet requires flushing. Although since I was the 'outsider' I watched when and for how long I took these breaks, as Samnu would often burst into the teachers room unannounced (having nothing to do) before condescendingly crying "teachers, you have classes to teach!". I was always careful, but one day either due to my fault or Samnus own faulty internal clock (I fear for whoever she is dating when her biological one starts beeping) disaster struck. Apparently I had left one class 3 minutes early and was summoned to Samnus lair (follow the bones) where I was chastised and berated in front of the constantly-present, awe-struck Korean teachers (like a scared dogs tail my faux-hawk was rapidly drooping to their amusement). Samnu ranted and raved about how she doesn't appreciate 'her' teachers abusing break privileges, not following 'her' schedule, 'abusing' the students time (as opposed to just 'abusing' them) blah blah blah. It actually became pretty comical for all as every time I tried to walk out after muttering "so sorry" she would pause a moment and mentally gather, chew, swallow and re-vomit the same diarrhea she had just spewed at my reddening face moments before. When she had finally finished, she licked her lips greedily and ordered me to "go" as I was now "late for my class.........again".

Wait...late....again?! I thought I had left early and that was the problem!

But I needed the cash more than I needed my dignity - as self-respect cannot be exchanged for hard cash as easily as US dollars when traveling. 'I am doing this to travel' I reminded myself.

And that's the important thing.

So all was quiet on the Eastern front for a week or so until one day I squeezed my way into the cramped, clown car/teacher room only to see the teachers cowering in the backseat as Samnu was stretched out lazily in the front. Upon seeing me, she stood up and we had this conversation - ver batim.

Samnu- I'm sorry Ken, did you forget the talk we had last week already about lateness?

Ken- (holding my books tightly and my bowels even tighter) Of course not Samnu, I am just starting my break now.

Samnu- (raising her eyebrows and nodding her head vigorously) Oh, you are? Okay...yeah...I guess you just make your own schedule right?

*nervous chuckles began around the room much to Samnus delight.

Ken- (stammering) no...I'm just going by the clock on the wall just behind you

Samnu - (turning her head 180 degrees without moving the rest of her body Exorcist-style) Uh-huh...oh, I'm sorry I guess I can't tell time can I? Yes, my watch must be broken - yours looks pretty expensive can I take a look please?

*Some teachers chuckled at this point because having never uttered the word 'please' Samnu coughed and a missing teachers shin-bone fell out of her mouth, falling free to the floor.

Ken- I am sorry, I thought I got 5 minutes...

Samnu- Well yes you do....I know you do in fact, as I did make the schedule. But you missed your break - don't know why - I love having breaks personally, I need them since I work all day and you only work 4 hours - you were scheduled to be back in class 3 minutes ago.

Ken- (playing the baffled teenager who doesn't know whether he is actually guilty of looking at pornography on the school computer or not) I don't know what to say! My schedule says I have a break n-n-now.

Samnu- (making the running gesture) well, why don't you go r-r-run and g-g-g-get the schedule if you remember what it looks like. Go on, I'll wait.

So I ran to my classroom, grabbed up the paper and to my great relief I was correct and Samnu the Terrible was wrong. I ran back into the teachers 'room' and noticed all the teachers had slowly gathered their books and materials, themselves risking her wrath for lateism, wanting to see if David could beat Goliath once more. I handed her the schedule and after reading it briefly she looked up and shaking her head smiling said...

Samnu - Ohhhhh.... I was thinking of the SUMMER schedule, and its WINTER now isn't it everyone?

Everyone- "Oh yes"...."You are SO right!"...."I love Christmas!"...."Ha Ha Ha Ha...Bravo Samnu! Hip-Hip-Hooray!"

Samnu- (looking me up and down and laughing heartily) So why are you still standing here? have a seat, enjoy your break...(looking at the wall clock) you've only got about a minute left though.

And she left the room. I was still alive. Ready to teach another day. One step closer to getting my fat wad of bills.

And thats the important thing.

And so on my last day I collected the students work, wrote comments on their report cards that Samnu disapproved of and made me re-write some again. On one students named Matthew I had scrawled, "Through no effort of my own Matthews Korean-speaking has improved drastically, if not his English. If he spent as much time on his school work as he did looking out the window and falling off his chair, he'd be teaching English and not learning it!"). Samnu did not laugh, even though the student had upon reading it himself (well, translated).

Later on in the day, after marking speaking tests that I had never given (no time to do it), and taping together ripped pieces of homework (thanks Matthew!) I handed in several of the students gigantic, mostly unfinished or done-at-the-last-minute workbooks. Samnu cursed me to high hell for not having the 'brain' to mark them and correct them. As an example she showed me her head teachers recently submitted workbooks (much thinner than mine), with her careful corrections.

Samnu- Isn't she smart? You see why shes our head teacher?

Ken- Yes Samnu, she is very smart.

Samnu- I have to mark these now since you have classes to teach. Thank you for this.

Ken- You're welcome Samnu.

Samnu- You're late for class again.

Ken- And again, I am sorry Samnu.

Samnu- See me at the end of the day.

Ken- Like I see you in my nightmares nightly?

Samnu- Excuse me?

Ken- Excuse me?

So at 6pm, I wished the other teachers well - hid all of my garbage that I didn't know what to do with in a drawer and went to Samnu, who gave me a fat envelope with a sarcastic:

Samnu- You should be paying me for assisting you today.

Ken- (grinning stupidly) Can I count this somewhere with you watching?

Samnu- (looking at the roof, exhaling) Fine.

Needless to say, I lost count far too many times and ended up literally, taking the money and running to the closest subway where I surreptitiously counted the 10,000won ($10) bills carefully. After about 20 minutes I was delighted to discover that Samnu the Terrible had paid me in full.

And that's the important thing. Isn't it?

this is the end...my 1 or 2 friends the end...

2008-01-19T23:09:00.000-05:00

Its been over a year...did you know that? Here is a picture of me the morning I left Canada...Dec.21, 2006. Today is January 20th, 2008. Wow.

Does anyone still read this little homing beacon from the depths of my mind?

Well, if you do you'll be pleased to know that my time in Korea is rapidly drawing to a close. Like a long operetta filled with excitement, tragedy, laughter, longing, several long boring parts where nothing happens, one door closing while another opens, and lots of weeping - the performance is almost complete and the curtain will soon drop on the epic play that was my time in Korea. I'm long gone from GnB and am currently floating around trying to catch the money that floats on the many sighs from other lost ESL teachers. I've managed to save a fair bit I guess - enough to take me around Asia for a bit and get me back home - only to be burned up a couple months later after I spend some time in Europe getting to know the ancestors that I don't have there.

I stumbled upon some old photos I took when I first arrived here Dec.21 2006. My cheeks still red from the last 'so long' kisses from Sophia and my mom, my shirt still wet from the hours of crying on the 14-hour flight, I was a wreck but still alive.

Look at me in the corner. This picture may have captured exactly how out of place and lonely I felt. I didn't even get to wear a pink shirt!

Having landed in Seoul weeping like a teenage girl after being humiliated at a school dance by the high school hunk I waited for 5 hours for my flight down South to Busan...my new city.

The first thing I'd learned was that my imagination was the General in charge and my common sense a mere foot solider. I had expected to see children with missing limbs running around after stray chickens, elephants decomposing on the road with vultures (capable of transmitting AIDS and the Avian Flu) feasting on its flesh, and human sacrifices........everywhere.

Instead, my recruiter found me, shoved a cigarette into my gaping mouth, asked me if I was hungry and then responded to my enthusiastic 'yes!!' by dropping me off at my new work without getting me any food. At GnB I smiled shyly at the dozen or so Korean teachers I'd soon be working with, who had gathered nearby to see the new recruit. I felt like a terrified monkey in a zoo. I knew I had to get used to being stared at though, and I did. I never fathomed growing as close to the teachers over the year as I eventually did. Getting to my temporary home (my old directors apartment) I found myself alone once again and had little trouble finding the tears of terror to keep me company.

I even took a couple pictures of myself! Look at the baby cry!

It took a while for me to realize that laughing was far more fun than crying and provided the same release (but both are also necessary on their own too like farting and burping). Anywhoo - after ignoring the dried fish in the fridge and almost dying of thirst I eventually ventured out - taking several pictures of the area I was in so as not to get lost and end up like the poor, dead elephant in my imagination. I got a beer, some water, and some ramen. I felt elated for the first time since I had left Toronto (the happiness was quickly squashed though upon realizing that the stove was gas operated and I couldn't figure it out, so the ramen would have to wait).

Long story short, I spent the first couple of months dreadfully lonely and longing to be back home again - where I was just wasting away but could buy comfort food much easier (if I had the money). I put in little to no effort to make friends, had panic attacks before and after every class that I would teach (screaming at the kids provided the crutch I so desperately needed), continued to go on long walks by myself, and generally just sat on my butt doing nothing.

It took no time for my bad habits to travel the 10,000km from Canada to join me.

Oh yeah, and I got horrible food poisoning on Dec.24, 2006 (that lasted until late in the evening on boxing day) thanks to the first meal I'd bought by myself. It cost me about 50 cents and pounds of diarrhea and heartache. I also got a story out of the experience that I've retold dozens of times now about the dangers of sleeping in your bosses apartment with uncontrollable diarrhea. Maybe you'll hear it one day too!
My First day at GnB saw me terrified and near tears (as always) but putting on a strong face...moments before being told to dress up like Santa Claus.

Oct.29 2007 -the day Sophia broke up with me I arrived at work in a state of Deja-Vu - tears still streaming from me eyes but putting on yet another brave face....moments before being ordered to don the costume of GnB's beloved mascot Bobby.
The first 3 months saw me becoming more and more depressed as I found myself EXACTLY where I was back in Canada, albeit this time with no one to complain to. Sitting around, letting your mind do all the thinking spells disaster regardless of where you find yourself. Except if your a monk.

But slowly and surely things got easier and I became less afraid of my surroundings and more afraid of a night spent all alone in my new home with only my thoughts to keep me company . Like the venerable Chiun in the classic tale Remo Williams I soon adopted the mantra of having nothing to fear, but 'fear itself'. I began pointing to things on menus when I was hungry, pointing at maps to Koreans when I was lost, gesturing frantically inward towards my bumhole with a closed fist for a brief moment before quickly 'charading' an explosion outwards to indicate that I had explosive diarrhea and required some kind of buttplug in the form of Korean medicine. Like the cavemen who survived with no language but grunts, body language and charades - I was surviving in a world I had no knowledge of.

Yet I still wasted time blogging everyday to keep my mind busy, watched movies to escape (rather than live in the foreign-language movie I was currently starring in), and made disgusting meals utilizing kimchi everytime if I didn't want to experiment with my new-found pointing skills.

Slowly but surely I began to venture out even more. I became good friends with Blake and her friends and went on my first trip (organized by my great recruiters).

I was still lonely, but it was a step in the right direction (away from my bed and towards the outside world). Hey, without knowing it I was heeding the advice of Asia's most popular person - Buddha.

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”

I'm always surprised to find pictures on my computer where I see myself with drunk Korean men and have no recollection of ever meeting them. I am not alone in this.

I finally got to go on a vacation 6 months later, travelling to Japan with 3 girls I met through Blake - Liz, Leah, and Jenn. We landed in Osaka, spent a few days biking (and melting - NO pun intended) around Hiroshima, a few days in gorgeous Kyoto,
and had an incredible adventure climbing Mt. Fuji in a wicked storm (something I will eventually write about after some therapy).
Aside from some great pictures, and even better memories - Liz had come into my life. Asa! (the thing excited Korean children yell constantly).

After tanning at the beach for the remainder of the summer I played host to Courts mini-adventures in Korea.

Waking up with many a hangover we still had an awesome time.

From scouting Busans red light district and the scantily clothed prostitutes ("lets just walk by, say 'hello', and leave" - Court Jarrell-2007) to drinking tons of beer...

to singing in a Noraebahng....
.... to climbing the Great Wall of China (while drinking a beer)

fun times were had...we even managed a quick jump to Japan!

After China with the end drawing near I went to the Philippines with Liz and swam with an endangered turtle, got burnt as hell, saw a bunch of fish and just lazed around.

So with short times in China

, North Korea (for a few seconds)...

Japan,
South Korea,

and the Philippines
- next on the "rough" itinerary is Bangkok on Feb.15 into Ho Chi Minh (Saigon) to the Mekong Delta into Cambodia (Phenom Penh and Siem Riep) into Laos for a couple weeks an then down into Thailand before getting back to Korea on March.25 and back to Canada on March.26.

Asa! See you soon!

yes, I am still alive.

2008-01-07T20:18:00.001-05:00

Yes...I know I haven't updated this blog in about a month...yes, I know very few of you still read this...and yes, I am still in South Korea.

I don't update this blog very much anymore because I actually have stuff to do and theres really not much to say! I no longer get excited when I successfully order something in Korean...I don't get upset when I think of home and the time I've spent here, as I've finished my contract at GnB and have booked a flight home for March 26th...so I guess thats something new. On the one hand, I am excited to be coming home, but on the other I am pretty sure Canada is exactly how I left it. I plan to come home for a bit - visit those who want to see me (I do look a year older) and then off to Europe for a couple months (maybe).

What else?

If you go to Facebook I've put up some photos of me in the Philippines - from the rustic conditions of El Nido, to my painfully blistered back, to some real beautiful spots on pristine untouched beaches. All in all, it was a very good trip. The food sucked though. I swam with an endangered turtle, came face to face with a jellyfish, and was served a salty margarita from a shy lady-boy (no, the 'salty margarita' is not some sexual term like a 'Cleveland Steamer' or anything perverts).

Currently, I am passing the time by writing poetry about life and taking pictures of ordinary things very close up. No - in actuality I am slowly planning the final trip of my time in Asia to Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, and Thailand. I've been procrastinating though, so I haven't changed in that regard.

I'll put up some pictures of the Philippines on Flickr or something when I have the time.

Until then, play a game of scrabble with me on Facebook if you want some kind of contact with me.

Off to El Nido!

2007-12-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't written in a while, but nobody really reads this anymore (except occasionally myself just for the hell of it).

Whats new?

Well aside from Blake leaving, and the weather turning extremely cold - not too much. We don't and probably won't, have any snow so thats a good thing. Seoul apparently gets some snow and is ass-freezing but Busan is just chilly at its worst.

In other news, I finish my contract at GnB at the end of the month and have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I am pretty pumped since the kids have been getting to me as of late - but on the other fist, its freaky to see how fast a whole YEAR actually shoots by. If we only get 80 or so of them in our lives (if we're lucky) I really should start spending the days like they're going out of style.

As you know, I was planning on doing a winter camp for the month of January to get an extra $3000 before shooting off to Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam and coming home but thanks to that greedy pedophile who got arrested in Bangkok a month ago (he fled there after a long stint teaching ESL in Korea) suddenly the country has decided to toughen their lax laws on teachers. They have 2 rules here to be a teacher: 1) You must be white and 2) You must have a degree.

Convicted pedophile? C'mon over! Your love of children is a skilled trade!

Anyways, because of his sticky fingers Korea has decided that as of December 15th a prospective ESL teacher must have an interview with the Korean consulate in his/her respective country, obtain a criminal background check (and it must come back flawless), must have their actual degree in hand, etc. Other things I've read is that teachers will possibly have to submit to a medical test and those who are found to have drugs, AIDS, and other nasties in their systems will be rejected like a chunky, nervous American Idol wannabe. Also, teachers who are already here and want to renew/extend their contract or switch schools must now go back to their HOME country to do so. Its an expensive pain in the ass - albeit a necessary one - but it is screwing a ton of people here. So the lonely pedophile has not only messed up a kids life, but has managed to thoughtlessly (and unwantedly) touch my life too.

So I couldn't get a C4 Visa in time (a temporary VISA) to do a winter camp here. I don't know what I am going to do - but tis a bitch!

On a bright note, I will be going to the Philippines (El Nido, Palawan) this Saturday evening and will return on December 16th tanned and smelling of relaxation. They have no access to phones.internet where we will be (save for one or two mobiles) so don't expect to hear from me or see any Facebook changes. Scrabulous moves will have to wait.

Enjoy the cold..........................suckers!

I feel shitty, oh so shitty!

2007-11-17T08:40:00.000-05:00

When we last spoke I was having a rough day. I'd been dumped by Sophia, been duped by GnB into wearing a horrid Halloween costume, and been Ddong-Chimed by Korean kids all day long.

Needless to say, it was not a happy week.

So that was about 2 weeks ago - and now I am 2 weeks closer to my 9-day trip into the Bacuit Archipelago in the Philippines. The airfare alone is going to cost about $1000 which while unfortunate, is unavoidable (but it still makes me whine when I think about it). I am most excited about the flight from Manila to El Nido where after sitting in the little 19-seater plane, an hour later it will (hopefully!) touch down at El Nido airport on their little dirt runway. Have I mentioned that their passenger waiting terminal consists of a hammock tied to a tree?
So yeah, I'm looking very forward to that little excursion. I'll get my bikini line waxed before I go to ensure fish don't think that the little hairs are- ah forget it, I'll just go natural.

After I get back to Korea I'll only have a couple more weeks on the GnB contract before I am technically finished my time in Korea. I'll most likely be doing a month long winter camp for some extra cash before I then take off to Thailand for a couple weeks, and the rest of Asia a bit later.

Then I come home - visit everyone - and maybe hit Europe for a little bit- but rumor has it she's an expensive lady to explore.

The weather has gotten colder as of late, along with my disposition towards the children. These days when they yell "game!!!" excitedly as I saunter into the classroom I lackadaisically cover their eyes with the dirty tissues I've collected throughout the day (snot is a great inexpensive adhesive) place scissors in their anxious little hands and mutter "there. play". Sometimes I turn off the lights so I can sleep for a spell (they can't see if its light or dark anyhow). Their screaming and crying reminds me of the prostitutes bantering and bartering outside my window in Toronto.

I haven't exercised for months because I am a lazy bastard.

I went out with Blake and Katie (my new co-worker) last night before we went to this bar called 'Moes' in PNU to see a friends band play. Before we went out we ate a Korean dish called Chabu Chabu which is basically a gigantic soup that you put thin slices of beef in.

I didn't take this photo so this was not the exact meal I ate and later threw up.

Oh yes I threw up lots!. Last night though, unlike the first time I had Chabu Chabu so long ago (with Eunhee) I didn't have tons of SoJu and recently deceased octopus in my stomach - just some beer and beef! Anyways, at about 2'ish I left the bar (ignoring the pleas of so many for me to stay) and got in a cab.

The thing about Korean taxis is that they ignore all speed limits, drive through red lights, and generally like to tempt God. They also drive with one foot on the break so its a constant stop and go. But everytime you arrive at your destination alive, usually minutes after first stepping inside the kimchi-scented car, you know its the way to travel in Korea.

So I got into the taxi and the instant it lurched forward the chabu chabu mixed with the beer (and the one shot of free tequila I forgot to mention). For anyone whose seen Die Hard 3 - the bomb that the bad guys use have two separate mixed - one red, one white - they mix and seconds later, sometimes minutes later BOOM! It took all of my mental powers not to throw up everywhere - it was horrible. Dripping with sweat and staring at the ground I've never wanted to feel the sweet porcelain kiss of a toilet more.

The bomb from Die Hard 3 in case you were interested (Grandma?)

So aside from that - I have to sell my stuff pretty soon, organize plane tickets, and do all the Visa/immigration stuff.

This Monday evening GnB is having their final speech contest where about 40 students from our school compete against students from 10 other GnB schools in the area. Having tall hair and looking the whitest of the white the director basically told me that I'd be doing the MC'ing all evening. Super. Its not that I'm nervous about talking in front of 350 people or so - they won't understand me anyways - its that I have to stay on stage and watch the kids do these damn speeches and smile and laugh and nod and generally look amused (whereas Blake and Katie will most likely grab a nap). 3 hours - but tis better than working.

Okay, I have to go to sleep now. Bye bye

The weather be stormy...

2007-11-01T07:20:00.000-04:00

Hi all,

Well its been a long week. I came down with a pretty nasty chest cold that turned (mutated if I may be so bold) into a bad infection. The other day I went out (as it was the first day I was feeling better) and woke up with an equally nasty hangover. You think something like draft beer would make you feel refreshed!

An hour before I went to work, my girlfriend and I had a long tearful talk which ended in a sad breakup. I had to cut our conversation short since I had to be at work in mere minutes and was saddened further upon realizing that I was out of toothpaste. So, hungover, phlegmy, devastated, and with horrible breath I plodded across the street to work. I was taking solace in the fact that I had a scary Halloween mask (that I'd picked out a week ago)of the Korean monster Gu Mi Ho (who I didn't realize was female). You see, Tuesday was the annual GnB Halloween day, so for 4 hours I could scare the kids with groans whilst hiding my blubbering.

Naturally, like my first day at GnB where they announced within minutes of my arrival that I'd be Santa Claus, I was told moments after arriving at work that I would no longer be Gu Mi Ho but instead would be the lovable GnB mascot 'Bobby'. Bobby and his female counterpart Ginny are the GnB mascots who encourage you to speak English (even though they don't have mouthes themselves- they are hypocrites). The head was huge and very heavy with only styrofoam as my padding/insulation. No peripheral vision and barely any sight save for the 2 crudely cut holes several inches from my eyes. I also had to wear a big puffy layered suit (that was yellow and blue) that had me instantly sweating. It covered every inch of my body (hands and feet too) and zipped up from the back - making a diarrhea anecdote inevitable.

So as I continued to weep hidden from the world the school children came running in and upon seeing me - their little faces lit up! "Ah, life is okay" I smiled as the kids shrieked and came running towards me. Not a moment later a kids fist, connected perfectly with my testicles, as dozens of claws slapped and tore at my head. Kids who came as the devil used their pitchforks to jab at my face whilst twirling them after to use the butt end to hit me. The quicker kids who avoided my flailing hands ready to choke and gauge whoever they caught, ran safely behind me and after making their hands in tiny guns then proceeded to violently shove their hands as far up 'Bobbys' butthole as God has so far allowed their arms to grow. This violent (and hilarious if you witness it happening to others) maneuvere is actually referred to in Korea as a ddong-chim. Dong is 'poo' (shit if you will) and chim is needle. Put the 2 together, add on an extra 'd' in dong and you're ready to go.

I found a link to this game for demonstration sake.

http://www.mikewang.org/dongchim.htm

If you hold down the mouse key for a while your ddong-chimms become much stronger.

So yeah, 4 hours of that. I actually only had to teach one class that day and it was with my 2 favorite students John and Andy. The chapter was all about the weather and used words like deteriorate and evaporate. After they inquired about my dour mood and I explained to them what happened - they know all about my Canadian life - I couldn't help but use the new vocabulary words to describe the recent events in my life - whilst teaching them that the weather- like love - can sometimes be beautiful and other times stormy.

So it was a tough day to say the very least.

I'll be fine though - so unpack your bags mom, no need to fly all the way here.

Video

2007-10-27T03:55:00.001-04:00

Hey - I'll actually write something soon (and by soon I mean within a week at least). But for now, heres a video I put together - no music though as I couldn't figure out how to do it. Its about 8 minutes long, and have your finger near the pause button as some pictures only last about a second (like me loving a lady! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!)

Hello! -C hina day 1 and 2

2007-10-09T10:02:00.000-04:00

This is a Korean bar called "Long Life" and their beer is quite delicious. We used a package of cigarettes to try to give you an idea of how tall my beer was (there was still one more, the 'ace' which was higher and more delicious)

I am still alive - unlike this blog which suffered a slow death whose subsequent funeral was heard of by few and memorialized by none. I still have to write all about my time in Kyoto and my trek up and down Mt.Fuji and the remainder of my Japan trip, but that will have to wait.

So when we last spoke my friend Court was on his way to Korea to visit me for 2 and a half weeks. I had predicted he'd die of something along the way (or upon his arrival) but he survived to have a pretty good trip I'd like to think.

Mind you, I barely survived but thats another blog all together (lets just say drinking all night, getting no sleep, working all day, and doing it all over again the next afternoon does not a healthy lifestyle make). You know what I mean eh papa?

Anywhoo, I was excited for Courts arrival and spent a good part of the afternoon at work that Monday fashioning a welcome sign for him so he'd recognize me on his way out. Naturally I was the only foreigner there, but I think the sign was appreciated nonetheless.

Our first night we spent walking around the Haeundae beach area playing in the water, drinking beer, and perusing the red-light district. It was a late night and the morning came fast and hard (like a drunken customers punch to a greedy hookers stomach). For the remainder of the week we went out for a few different Korean dinners, saw a couple of movies at some DVD Bahngs and generally just caught up on gossip. Getting no sleep though, the first 5 days of Courts arrival are pretty much a hazy, nauseating, sleepless blur.

That following Saturday afternoon we headed off to China. After enduring a hellish cab ride to the airport and I mean HELLISH - the jackass driver considered us dumb foreigners and thus took us at breakneck speeds through a scenic tour of Busan - tacking on an additional 20 minutes of driving time and about $12 more. We were pissed at him and refused to pay the full fare. Asshole!

Court seemed slightly terrified at the guards holding machine guns but after we snapped this quick picture he resigned himself to a quick death and we boarded the plane to Tianjin airport, about 2 hours away from Beijing.

The flight was pretty terrifying due to steep banks from the plane coupled with Courts labored breathing, but we made it around 10-ish at night. It took about 2 hours to get to our 5-star hotel located more than an hour outside of Beijing, but it was worth it...what a nice place, beautiful furnishings, amazing beds, and the hallways always smelled of Thai food!

Our view was of the hotel air conditioner, but we didn't mind as our room was strictly for sleeping and parading around in the babys ass soft housecoats that the hotel provided.

I took over 300 photos in China alone, but have yet to figure out how to use flickr.com so I am only posting a few photos now with little description.

Out first stop was the Summer Palace - an UNESCO World Heritage site and former summer home of Empress Dowager Cixi - who knew how to party and divert money to make homes like this (30 million taels of silver according to Wikipedia!)

The entrance to the Summer Palace - note the throngs of people.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Corridor - nuff said.

A view of the palace grounds while on a boat 'cruise' across the lake. The Chinese, known for their poor driving should also be known for their weak boating skills as a family of 5 in a pedal boat managed to crash into our gigantic boat. We all had a good laugh at their expense.

My favorite sign, seen at the Summer Palace. Note the bottom symbol for "No Terrorism!"

I was surprised that Beijing was so dirty - the divide between rich and poor was intense - you were either very rich or very poor. Tons of cars, pollutions, tuk-tuks (little motorcycles that double as cabs), beggars like you wouldn't believe, etc.

After visiting a pearl factory and getting ripped off no-doubt, we headed off to the Tienanmen Square and the Forbidden City. Aside from being an extremely hot day, the area was packed with tourist and tour groups, Maos mausoleum was closed for repairs or something like that, and the beggars/sellers were out in full steam. Sometime when I find the time and edit together all of the video I took I will show you the tactics these peddlers use so you will buy their crap (basically it comes down to never leaving you alone and pushing stuff in your face - at one point I had 7 or 8 surrounding me - as did Court and Kevin).

An old woman who though appearing pleasant couldn't take no for an answer. At this point she was exclaiming to Court through her limited hand gestures that for $1 he could buy something shitty from her. Court was obviously aroused (hence why Kevin is lurking nearby for possible sloppy seconds).

Tianamen Square was pretty impressive, considering its history and learning about it in high school history class (when I wasn't fast asleep). The space itself is actually quite massive, with Maos Mausoleum, the Monument to the Peoples Heroes, Zhengyangmen Gate, The National Museum of China, The Great Hall of People, Tianamen itself, and the entrance to Forbidden City (the gate of Heavenly Peace).

I took a picture of this sign right outside of Tiananmen Square so I would later understand what I possibly saw.

Zhengyangmen Gate - I think

Court and I standing in front of the Monument to the Peoples Heroes, with the Great Hall of People right behind it...I think.

Guard standing...uh...guard (from a distance) from the Tiananmen Gate to the Forbidden City - the Gate of Heavenly Peace.

Me standing in front of the gate right beside the road where that unknown student stood in front of 4 tanks during the Tiananmen Square Massacres. God, I'm brave.

After about 20 minutes in Tiananmen Square we were herded like diseased cattle under the street through an underground walkway littered with beggars coming from all directions and vendors hawking Mao watches, books, cards, little fans, Olympic t-shirts, hats, etc. We were told several times to watch our money - and judging by the way several people were clutching their bags you could tell we'd heeded the warnings.

After emerging from the street we were bombarded with thousands of more tourists from all over the world all listening to their own tour guide spouting their own tongue. We hustled through and made our way inside of the Forbidden City.

Alright, I am tired - enough for now.

Brew some extra SoJu Hon-Lee! Court's a coming!

2007-09-15T05:36:00.001-04:00

Well for those of you who still check-in on this severely undernourished and near- dead blog (Mom, Dad, and Court) I thought I'd drop in for a quick hello.

The weather has been pretty crappy here for the past month in a bit - not that it matters though as I haven't been going out very much anyways. Beach season is over though. 1 month was just a tease. Since my trip to Japan I've been busy at work during the day and playing Nintendo by night - Blake went to Thailand a week and a bit ago and she lent me her Nintendo PSP (a much cooler and far awesomer version of the black and white Gameboy from time forgotten) so I have been busy playing that all the time - better than playing with myself though right papa!?

On a much more important note a day I've been waiting for (and dreading) for months is fast approaching. My BFF (best friend forever) Court will be arriving this Monday evening at 8:40pm and will be sleeping safely in my arms minutes later. This is of course assuming he doesn't fall victim to any number of these possible scenarios:

1- Terrorists. We know they're out there and are just itching to launch a personal attack on a guy who can eat more Swiss Chalet in one sitting than professional porn star Ron Jeremy can at an all-you-can-eat taco stand.

2- Deep vein thrombosis. A potentially deadly (and I do mean deadly) complication that can arise from mixing a dangerous cocktail of high pressure altitudes for a long period of time, lots of sitting with a spritz of bad luck. If Court doesn't do several dozen exercises over the dozen or so hours he will be 30,000 feet in the air (like me on Mt.Fuji) forget being safely in my arms Monday night, he will be tucked securely into an American Airlines body bag (size extra sweet!)

3- His mother. Theres a good chance his mom will drug him at the last possible minute and put him back into her basement in Thornhill where he rightfully belongs. "Korea my motherly ass" will be her parting words to the drugged and home-bound Courtenay-Maurice.

4- My love. Seeing him at the airport will be like being reunited with a long lost family member, most likely resulting in me crying hysterically and hugging him to death.

Anyways I still remember the mixture of excitement and panic when he suddenly informed me that his parents had actually gotten him a ticket to my part of the world. It hurt that at the time I was incredibly lonely and had to wait over 4 motnhs for his arrival, but now with less than 2 days until his arrival I'm experiencing a variety of emotions. Will he still think I'm his hero? Will we still be able to disucss the same movie anecdotes we always disucss for hours on end, fascinating onnly ourselves? Will we end up getting so drunk one night that I run the risk of waking up in his parents basement in Canada, my mom standing sternly over me with pepto bismol in her clenched fist?

There's the excitement that we'll be able to do a million things here that we never dreamed of 4 years ago (explore the Great Wall of China, find the infamous schoolgirl pantie machine in Japan) and panic of spending 2 weeks joined at the hip. Sleeping together (well, in the same room), traveling together (China, Korea, Japan), eating together (McDonalds anyone?), drinking together ('nuff said), going to the washroom together (squat toilets are a 2-man effort even for the strongest thighed).

Courts asked me to make a sign for him with his name on it which I have yet to do. Since this country seems to be void of glitter and construction paper I'll have to make due with magic markers and creativity.

Our first night will most likely be spent (should he not die mid-flight) walking around my neighborhood catching up, showing him the famous Haeundae beach and forcing him to go to sleep early to not become ill like I did, thereby avoiding showering my place with anxious Canadian-brewed fecal matter. Our 2nd day, should he wake up okay and not have died in his sleep (deep vein thrombosis, where a life-threatening clot can form and suddenly dislodge days later clogging a main artery - choking away precious life) will most likely see Court watching Korean TV all day while drinking copious amounts of Coca-Cola, anxiously awaiting my return home from work. That 2nd night we'll probably go out for samgetang (remember that chicken in a bowl from so many months ago?) as it'll be good for recovery.

After that, new dinner everyday - busy mornings, busy evenings - China from Saturday Sep.22 until Wednesday the 26th - Japan a couple of days later (with a possible side trip to Nagasaki) and then he gets his ass (should it not be decomposing in some random Korean morgue) back to Canada!

Have a safe trip Courtenay, we gotta get you back home safely for Xmas!!

Whoops!

2007-08-28T07:27:00.000-04:00

Wow, so I realised I haven't updated this in a while - to be honest, I have just been really really lazy, and actually doing stuff (rather than sitting in my apartment as I did for the first 6 months).

Basically, as the weather has been pretty sweet I have been at the beach whenever I have some time and a bit of sun. Now I am no longer pale and deathly looking, but pretty tanned (like Whoopi Goldberg!). I'm pretty excited to have my buddy Court come into South Korea on September 17th, and am really looking forward to the China trip. Just paid the full amount for both Court and I today, so thats all set. We're also going to try to hit Japan for a couple of days right after the China trip (Fukokwa).

Other than that things are pretty much the same - we've been on a 10-6 school schedule which is changing back in a few days to 2-8, uh, several people I know are finishing their contracts and leaving which is sad, uh - uh - did I mention that I am pretty tanned already? (yeah mom, I am wearing sunscreen so cancel the reminder email).

I'll write more about Japan when I can get the chance - hope everyone is well

9 days in Japan, a story of Love.- Day 1 and 2

2007-08-11T23:28:00.000-04:00

These blogs are going to take a while, so I'll just post one every so often that contains a couple of days.

DAY #1 and #2

So I left work on Friday July 27th happy as a clam since I was officially on vacation and sweating like a Russian due to the humidity slowing digesting Busan. For some reason I believed that aside from Japans history and beauty, it would also have much milder weather. I was wrong - but thats ok, because its Japan!

I was a little apprehensive about going on this big 9-day trip for a couple of reasons. One, I heard through a bunch of people that Japan was prohibitively expensive (I don't really know what 'prohibitively' means but I'm experimenting) so I had prepared myself for the worst by exchanging 1.2 million won into roughly 154,000 Japanese yen (100 yen would equal about $1). Another thing I was a little worried about was that I would be traveling with 3 girls I'd only met once or twice (one girl Liz I would only run into at the bar where I'd already be reeling and slurring - would she like the 'real' Ken!?). Finally, I was angry at myself for not doing a lot of research on Japan - phrases that may come in handy, places to eat in particular cities, must-see tourist sites, the location of the infamous 'dirty school-girl panties' machine...and if there is one thing that this 27-year old with acne treasures it's a pair of not-so-fresh vending machine panties!

Preparation
One thing I did prepare for in Japan was booking the hostels we'd be staying at weeks in advance. As I've said before, Japan may be a beautiful country but theres no way in hell I was prepared to pay $100+ a night for a room - regardless if a geisha tucked me in nightly after playing an exotic instrument (if I could be called exotic!). The real problem was that everyone in Korea basically had this time off and many Japanese as well (the Obon week is their real vacation time and that would be a week after I'd returned to Korea). Long story short - all of the hostels had basically been booked. We didn't really have any detailed itinerary of what cities we were going to hit and when - the only real plan was Hiroshima, Kyoto, and for a couple of us - Mt. Fuji! (more on that later). I also had to book around the 2 other friends who'd be arriving later in the week and already booked themselves at a popular hostel in Kyoto (and booked Liz in with them for the remainder of the week). Anywhoo - hostel booking does not an exciting blog make - but I managed to find us 'reasonably-priced' accommodation for the week except for Wednesday when I declared that would be when we summited Mt. Fuji (in the night-time) and Saturday evening (since we had a flight out early Sunday morning from Osaka.

The only supplies I really needed was a hat (didn't get), sunscreen (didn't bother), sunglasses (looked too stupid in everything I tried), hiking shoes (went with old running shoes instead), a thermos (nope), a head-lamp for Mt. Fuji (yes) and a new bag ($110 from $220).

I finished packing late that night and was shocked by how much my bag weighed and the 'extras' I brought - did I really need to bring a whole roll of toilet paper to a 1st world country? Did I unpack anything? Nope!

____________________________________________________________________________________

DAY #1 - Flying in, train, and Hiroshima

Our flight was scheduled to leave Gimhae international airport in Busan at around 11'ish and would arrive an hour later in Osaka. I met the girls in front of our building in the stifling heat and was relieved to see that I wasn't the only one who had packed a significant chunk of their lives into huge knapsacks (except for Liz who only packed a t-shirt and one shoe). We hopped in a cab after complaining for a bit about the heat and took a nauseating 20 minute cab ride to the airport. During check-in Leah was asked to come into a special area as security had found something suspicious in her luggage - since she had to climb over the baggage area it was quite a scene so I made fun of her aloud until she disappeared. Then I suddenly got pulled back to and promptly shat myself. What the hell had I packed that could possibly endanger the lives of hundreds of passengers? A lighter. They took it away, I was baffled. But an hour later we were on the plane and eating delicious food! Sure, I would have appreciated burning my little sandwiches a bit with my lighter - but whatever - beggars can't be choosers.

I played Tetris for the entire flight, had a little panic attack during take-off and was shocked that upon emerging from our flight (and getting through immigration) that Japan was more humid than its jealous and pushy playmate to the west. After getting our Japan Rail Passes - we took a short train ride to the main Shin-Osaka station and hopped on a Shinkasen bullet train to Hiroshima (we got put in one where you could smoke since they had no room - it was like the 80's all over again!). 2 hours shot by and we were in Hiroshima, late afternoon.

Naively I had expected Hiroshima to be full of rice fields and severely deformed children turning tricks but was delighted to discover a bustling little city (filled with tourists). We eventually hopped on a tram (an older looking streetcar and relatively cheap - compared to a certain city I know) and made our way towards our hostel about 25 minutes away. An old Japanese woman beckoned us to follow her (fearing that she was possibly a sexual deviant I warily refused) until I decided to listen to her and walked several meters behind her - right to our hostel! We were in the 8-bunk dorm and as luck would have it, I was the only male. Giggity Giggity!

We grabbed a beer from one of the hundreds of beer vending machines and decided to look for some food - sweating the whole time. Hours later we were still walking around as had taken the tram in the wrong direction once or twice (whoops!) and refused to just walk into any restaurant that didn't have at least some picture where we could identify what we would eat and how much it cost. And whoever is sitting there reading and thinking, "I would have tried anything! Just pointed and said 'give me whatever this is" its not that simple. I won't even bother trying to explain why - you just come and try to do it (Ken says defensively). We finally stumbled into a little Japanese sushi place (few seats = pricey but they had little plastic models of their meals outside!) where we then accidentally ordered $30 sushi plates for the each of us (rather than 1 for the 4 of us which they would have laughed at before cutting us up and serving us fresh to the next customers). Expensive, and not really tasty - but authentic Japanese on our first night nonetheless. Poor Liz left most of her sushi and I don't blame her (the hundreds of fish eggs on one piece literally exploded into your mouth with fish amniotic fluid) and as hungry as I was I didn't eat any of hers.

We walked around for a bit afterwards before making our way home, as we were all pretty tired. The air conditioning wasn't great so I had a hard time sleeping. According to Liz the next morning I snored (until she hit me in the head), moaned little happy grunts and sang for a bit ("la la la" was apparently my selection). At least I didn't let rip-roaring farts go - my usual night-time accompaniment.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Day #2- Biking around Hiroshima, smelling like crap.

The next day we had all slept in (Jenn made it quite clear that she wouldn't be up before 10am - and she kept to that everyday, like me wearing no shirt constantly). We rented 4 bikes from our hostel (all with cool little bells that constantly annoyed the Japanese we rode by). Hiroshima -like Kyoto and I assume the majority of Japan - loves bicycles and gives them great priority (unlike Korea where bikers are seen as abusive mens wives on wheels). Our hostel was pretty close to the Peace Dome but that would have to wait - as our first stop was McDonalds breakfast before the international 11am stop-time. A la Michael Douglas in the movie Falling Down when he arrives just a few minutes too late we were informed by the 'establishment' that in Japan - breakfast stops being served at 10:30. I was ready to scarf down a couple of Big Macs but the group wanted real breakfast. Since when is McDonalds 'real' food?! I cried pitifully.

So we ate some expensive breakfasty stuff and headed off to the Peace Dome. This was the building I'd seen in many photos through school but really had no idea what it was all about.

It is an UNESCO World Heritage Site and the first stop for every tourist. A brief description: "The Hiroshima Peace Memorial (Genbaku Dome) was the only structure left standing in the area where the first atomic bomb exploded on 6 August 1945. Through the efforts of many people, including those of the city of Hiroshima, it has been preserved in the same state as immediately after the bombing. Not only is it a stark and powerful symbol of the most destructive force ever created by humankind; it also expresses the hope for world peace and the ultimate elimination of all nuclear weapons."

The bomb basically exploded a couple hundred meters right above it and wiped out everything else. The area by the river and the T-bridge (the intended target) is now the huge Peace Park.

The view from the reconstructed T-Bridge facing out to Peace Park.

This photo doesn't do the sheer size of this area justice - in front of these huge 'peace' murals are thousands of colored paper bags that children have made throughout the year that are then lit up by candle and sent down the nearby river every year in commemoration of the victims of the bombing. We just missed this huge event by a few days.

These photos were taken from the exact same spot between 2 different 'Before' and 'After' models in the Hiroshima Peace Museum.

As the late Steve Irwin would have said, "Crikey! That was a BIG one!"

Tasteless. I know that.

It was an excruciatingly hot day in Hiroshima that afternoon (I could make a comment about the heat but I won't) so everyone was dripping with sweat. I was wearing a t-shirt that always seems to emit a foul poo-smelling odor whenever it gets wet so I wasn't the best person to hang around. Splitting up for a bit I promptly lost everyone and spent the next 2 hours frantically looking for everyone. A search party was sent out, and I was safely returned to their unworried clutches. With a huge wet spot on my butt (from sweat) we spent the next few hours in the very informative Hiroshima Peace Museum. Aside from relics they had horrible accounts from the families of 'survivors' and some graphic stuff (a guys fingernails). They also had a few very familiar things (like the cement step where a shadow was burned into it from a woman who'd been sitting there when the bomb exploded). People around me audibly gasped as they had their noses plunged into these scented hankerchiefs (Leah commented that she could smell me from a couple feet away so I assume I added to the general disgust in the air).

We looked for some restaurants afterwards but ended up at a crappy Subway before we made our way to this old style castle. Liz and I refused to pay the entry fee (I'd heard it wasn't worth it before coming). The other girls went and agreed that it sucked (and no air conditioning!, what kind of a castle doesn't have that!?).

The moat went all around the castles grounds. Don't ask how we managed to get over.

Still dripping with sweat we made our way back to the hostel and after showering (I accidentally put my poo shirt deep into Liz's bag which she would discover soon after) had a couple of beers on the roof chatting with an older man and his young family. Later in the evening we found a great (somewhat pricey) place where we could get a big fat hamburger and a beer - we walked home pretty satisfied. Well, I could have eaten more.

We got back to the hostel and pretty much crashed. Knowing how much we love to sleep in I made sure I was ready to go in the morning before check-out. I got a bed near the air conditioner as well so I was content - but still concerned about possible farts though - which surprisingly would plague us for the remainder of the trip, and no, they didn't come from me.

Flickr Link

2007-08-07T08:34:00.001-04:00

Here is a link to the website Flickr that I've tried to put some of the Japan pictures on - I had a hard time getting it to work - so I suggest you click on one of the 3 sets off to the right and don't use the slideshow option, so you can see the comments I've written about each picture.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/11029110@N06/

Back in Korea

2007-08-05T08:05:00.001-04:00

Hi all,

So I got back from Japan (sadly) today and go back to work tomorrow. I've got a bunch of pictures so I figure I'll just try to put them on flikr.com or some photo sharing website within the next few days and a big fat synopsis on my trip to the land of the rising sun - from biking around swelteringly hot Hiroshima (no double meaning intended) to my 2 friends, a Japanese guy, and myself being the ONLY climbers on Mt. Fuji because of horrible weather conditions to seeing Geisha in the Gion area of Kyoto to eating ovary of pollack and octopus guts.

but now, ken need sleep.

These 2 Geishas, though extremely pleased to see me, regularly have to put up with hordes and hordes of people trying to get their photos taken with them. These 2 couldn't go 3 feet without having people begging for a quick photo - the Japanese go bananas when they see them - I saw many Geisha paparazzi with huge cameras just waiting for a glance.

Kyoto!

2007-07-30T04:08:00.000-04:00

Hi,

I can only write a quick message as we just got to Kyoto and need to get something to eat soon. Japan is very clean and smells nice - so thus far it is a nice break from Korea. Unlike what I expected I have yet to see any Samurai sterotypically walking around with their swords in battle position - nor have I seen any Geisha walking around fanning themselves. I've taken lots of pictures though so maybe they are in the background somewhere.

Our first stop was Hiroshima and we took the Shinkasen Bullet train to get there - and it was pretty fast. We had to sit in a smoking car which was kind of strange until we decided to all share a cigarette to fit in (it worked).

Hiroshima was not the bombed out, radiation-filled city I expected but instead was bustling little city with lots of buildings and people. Our hostel was pretty easy to find and I found it funny that in the dorm of 8 bunkbeds I was the only guy. With no orgy in sight for the evening and a crappy air conditioner I fell asleep and instantly began snoring, moaning, and singing (I was told this the next morning by everyone in the room). We saw the peace dome and went to the peace museum which was very well done and biked around the city with our little rented bikes. We had a difficult time getting food as every restaurant was completely in Japanese and had no indication of what food they served - we ended up paying for a few pieces of super-expensive sushi and saki and took the tram home. Our second day saw me get separated from the group for over an hour until a search party was sent out to find me - I was found dripping with sweat near a castle and stinking to high heaven.

Today (Monday) it took about 3 hours to get to our hostel in Kyoto which is right in the Gion district - we just got here so I have nothing much to say other than that its a beautiful city and smells nice.

Id write more but I am on a Japanese keyboard and losing patience.

Oh yeah, its weird as hell to say Domo Arigato (without adding in Mr. Roboto) and saying Sayonara without giggling wildly.

Sayonara! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

Off to Japan!

2007-07-26T19:37:00.000-04:00

A HOSTEL WE ARE STAYING AT FOR ONE NIGHT IN KYOTO - DELICIOUS! YOU CAN SEE OUR BUNK BEDS THROUGH THE TOP WINDOW - CAN SOMEONE SAY BED-BUGS!

So I fly out of Busan airport Saturday morning and arrive at Osaka airport about an hour later. To answer your questions - I'm not really very excited - don't know why. Its not that I don't want to go, or have no interest in Japan - I'm just kind of 'meh!' but I assume that will all change when I am ankle deep in Geisha!

For those of you who don't know - my school/work will be shutting down for Aug.1,2,3 - so I craftily took the Monday and Tuesday off as vacation days (giving me the July.28 until Aug.5 stretch of nothingness). Myself and 3 other foreigners, over the past 2 months, have been lazily trying to figure out what exactly we are going to do with our time in the land of the rising sun. One thing that was always a big consideration was how expensive out Imperialistic friends are - I converted 1.2 million won into Japanese Yen yesterday and I got about 156,000 yen out of it. We are staying in the worlds cheapest hostels which cost about 2,500 yen per night (and that is roughing it). We've paid for our 7-day rail pass already - so the other costs will be food, local transportation, and other spur-of-the-moment things (like feeding nuts to the hungry and popular Geishas!).

TEMPLE IN KOREA KEVIN AND I WENT TO A FEW WEEKS AGO - CAN YOU SPOT ME? (hint - you can only see my bald head)

Rough plan is to fly into Osaka (I think we arrive around 12:30pm) - rush through customs/immigration - exchange our train ticket 'vouchers' for actual tickets - and hop on a bullet train down to Hiroshima. The train ride shouldn't take more than 2 hours and I got us a popular hostel called J-Hoppers where we'll stay for Saturday and Sunday night.

J-Hoppers in Hiroshima!
Leaving early Monday morning I assume we will then head straight back up to Kyoto (unless we stop on a quick side trip somewhere). In Kyoto there are millions of things to do - hence its immense popularity (like if I was an actual village). We are staying in some could-be-shit hostel called BakPak for 2 nights that just happens to be right next door to the famous Gion district (Geishas!) and tons of other things.

HIKE FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO - I PROMISE I AM NOT TRYING TO GIVE ONE OF THOSE DUMB-ASS 'LOOK AT ME LOOKING SERIOUS' SHOTS - I WAS PERCHED PRECARIOUSLY ON A ROCK AND WAS MID-WAY THROUGH PISSING MYSELF - THAT SHOT IS A MIXTURE OF FEAR AND HUMILIATION

By the way - this particular time of the year is very busy all over Asia as not only do Koreans all have holidays but the Obon festival in Japan is also the following week so tons of tourists are pouring in all the time. There aren't that many hostels and I had a hard time just juggling around online trying to keep us all together (hence why we will be staying at 5 different hostels in total).

FUJI-SAN!

Wednesday one of our girls will be staying in Kyoto while myself and 2 others hop on the train and hopefully get to the town where Mt. Fuji sits placidly (it is a volcano you know). Aside from being the tallest mountain in Japan (12,388 feet) it is also a popular tourist spot with over 200,000 people climbing it every year. Officially only July and August are the climbing season, and all other times the mountain is pretty much closed to climbers because of bad weather, snow monsters, etc. People sitll climb it in the off season though to spite God and the Japanese weather bureau.
Mt. Fuji only has a 50% success rate (basically of the 1% of the population that decides to climb -half of them think 'screw this, I should be drinking saki and singing karaoke' before sliding back down). I've read a fair bit about the Fuji climb from other people and they all quote the same famous line regarding tackling Mt. Fuji.

"If you never climb Mt Fuji you are a fool, and if you climb it more than once you are a fool". - old Japanese saying.

I personally like this one:

“Aspire to be like Mt. Fuji, with such a broad and solid foundation that the strongest earthquake cannot move you, and so tall that the greatest enterprises of common men seem insignificant from your lofty perspective. With your mind as high as Mt Fuji you can see all things clearly. And you can see all the forces that shape events; not just the things happening near to you.” -Miyamoto Musashi (Japanese Martial Arts master, one of the world's greatest swordsmen, 1584-1645)

Anywhoo - after starting to climb at around 7pm we will hopefully make it to the summit (thats right - just like Mt. Everest!) at around 2am -where we will huddle very very close together for body warmth (its freezing up there I'm told) to await the whole reason why we climbed 5 hours in the dark - the sunrise! Of course a million things could go wrong - bad weather, fog, the volcano erupts (its erupted about 16 times since 781 A.D.!) - so keep your fingers crossed.

KOREAN MOUNTAINS NEAR MY PLACE!

After that we make the 2 hours slide/trek down the volcanic ash side of the mountain (this is why you bring a large garbage bag - to store all your garbage and red ash covered clothes) and hop on the train back down to Kyoto - depending on the timing we may stop into Tokyo - but I doubt it. We'll be staying in Kyoto until Saturday morning so maybe I'll get to do some day trips to other places (like Nara).

Saturday we are heading to Osaka and staying at a more expensive hostel as every single spot is full - and Sunday we fly back to Korea.

Talk to you then!

KEVIN AND I GUARDING A TEMPLE IN KOREA WHOSE NAME I'VE FORGOTTEN

Don't look at me!.....I'm a monster!

2007-07-19T07:47:00.000-04:00

Whats new you ask?!

Not a whole helluva lot! Last Sunday Kevin and I enjoyed one of the first sunny days we've had in a long time by going to the beach. We avoided the extremely popular Haeundae beach (and thus so crowded you have to buy space for $25 from a guy since the Korean mafia basically runs the beach racket - not joking). By doing this we also missed all of the girls and had to do with the chunky families and old women.

As soon as we took off our shirts I heard screams of "He's so white!", and "So pale! So pale! He must be dying!" - after telling Kevin to shut up I refused his sunblock as the yellow devil in the sky appeared to not be too strong.

Boy was I wrong. Even after eventually applying suntan lotion and being sure to roll over onto my stomach several times I got burnt reeeeeeeal bad. I kept lifting up my shirt later in the day after we'd left the beach (we only stayed for about 2 hours) because my skin (from bellybutton to neck) kept turning pink to pinker to red!

Talk about pain. A few months ago I had bought some moisturizing cream, for uh...personal reasons....so I began to apply that liberally to the burns. Its a bad sign when the skin burns as the moisturizer is applied. I couldn't wear a t-shirt either as the heat from my skin got so intense that it felt like there was a fire burning inside me (or maybe thats just love). Anyways, I tried to sleep but I couldn't allow any side to touch the bed because the pain was so bad AND the frigging lotion made me stick to the bed so I literally would have to peal myself off of it (and I got covered in dirty sheet crap - bits of sock, some cookie crumbs, Kevin's pubic hair).

The next day, per my moms suggestion I boiled a big pot of tea and threw about 6 teabags into it - after letting it really stew for about 1/2 hour I tossed some ice cubes in it and let a white tea towel soak as much of it up as it could. I should've let it cool longer as it burned my skin and dripped all over my floor. I did this while watching a horrible Bruce Willis movie called hostage (with his unfortunately featured daughter Rumer as his co-star). The tea thing kind-of worked but not enough to stop the tears.

Oh I almost forgot. When I first decided to leave for Korea I had the uncontrollable urge to tell everyone I met that I was leaving for Korea in a few months. The conversations, I kid you not, went like this.

Cashier at Shoppers Drug Mart: Do you have a platinum card?

Ken: No....

Cashier: Would you like to sign up for one?

Ken: No thanks...

Cashier: Okay, then that'll be -

Ken: (interrupting) You see, I can't apply for one, because...(deep intake of breath) well, I'll be in Korea for the next year.

Cashier: Uh-huh.

Ken: Yup.

Cashier: So why all the condoms?

Ken: Kids like them.

The End.

So basically thats how my everyday conversations went in Canada - having nothing to talk about (aside from a nagging finger-smelling habit) I was elated and excited to speak about my upcoming trip. I was special again.

NOW, having this horrible burn a co-worker pointed out to me recently that I have pulled up my shirt to anyone and everyone that passes by me- from the old woman caretaker who cleans the GnB bathrooms to the old women bus-drivers (who I think are best friends as well) to random GnB kids who walk by me and say 'hi'. Everyone has seen the burns - everyone. I do in class - in the supermarket - anywhere. At the gym I work out at a group of about 6 Korean guys were looking at me through the mirrors in the change room as my burn looked so grotesque. I indicated that it was a sunburn and they nodded and walked away discussing the monster they saw.

Now you get to!

FIRST DAY - THE CAMERA DOES NOT DO THE COLOR RED JUSTICE, NOR MY CRY OF PAIN

VERY PALE SKIN VERSUS RED SKIN

TRYING THE OLD YOGURT-ON-THE-BURN REMEDY - DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS!

DAY 3 OF THE BURNS - GETTING BETTER, NOW PINK AND NOT RED

LOOK CLOSELY AND YOU CAN SEE THE HUNDREDS OF WHITE BLISTERS JUST BEGINNING TO APPEAR - HOURS AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN THEY NOW NUMBER IN THE THOUSANDS. I'M A MONSTER!

Pray for me.

quick one

2007-07-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

Still here, still alive.

Nothing much happening on the work front - I am going to some big thing called Mudfest this weekend, which is a 5 hour long busride up near Seoul to a 2km stretch of beach. I assume there will be a bit of mud, but it will most likely end up just being one gigantic beach party (not the Frankie Avalon kind either).

I was going to throw in a bunch of pictures that I took while hiking with a few people last week- but alas, I don't have the time nor the strength. Japan is stressing me out as we don't have a place to stay in Kyoto yet - one of the only hostels left looks to be kind of a dump - but we don't have much choice. Apparently it is right nearby the infamous Geisha district though - maybe I'll get lucky!

Talk to you Sunday night.

Uh-oh!

2007-07-06T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well. I was going to write a long blog about how I've been procastinating in many ways - not researching Japan, writing, reading, getting my haircut. But I thought, well instead of talking how about doing?! So I got my haircut - like Britney Spears I have been going through my own kind of crisis and thought something drastic would work.

Oops, I was wrong!

What Have I DONE!?

Friday night!

2007-06-29T07:40:00.000-04:00

Just a quick one today to keep you (all 7 of you) updated.

I haven't bought my plane ticket for Japan yet, but it is reserved so as soon as I can part with the 468,000won that will be all done and my pocket will definitely feel lighter. I am getting together with the 2 girls I am going with soon so we can figure out how and where and what we are going to do in this expensive, non tourist-friendly island for 8 days.

Other than that we are switching over to a new schedule very soon for the summer intensives (kids don't have regular school so their bastard parents send them to us for some extra learnin'). I have to come in at 10am, but there are a couple of hour-long breaks in between which is sweet, and we leave at 6pm - which should be nice considering the sun stays about until about 9pm here.

I ate fajitas every day for the past 4 days here and have almost died in the middle of the night due to the horrific dutch ovens (farting under your blankets). Thankfully I finished the last of them this afternoon, so I should get better sleep until I decide to make them again.

Not much planned for this weekend...need to get my hair cut...need to get some new shirts to compliment the ones I've been wearing for the past 2 years +....need to do some food shopping. There is a big party at one of the big foreigner bars for Canada Day so I may also check that out tomorrow night.

miss you.

Not one damn bit!

2007-06-25T10:13:00.001-04:00

Nothing much to report from this side of the world as of late.

My school/work has started to make the Korean teachers observe our classes 5 times a month (meaning we will get 'judged' 5 times in total). The Korean teachers sit at the back of the class and mark our skill, attitude and the students response to us. I have made it quite obvious (by whining, moaning, bitching and the odd panic attack) that I do not like this new policy. It is very difficult as is to stand in front of these kids, teaching method or not. I don't use any kind of teaching method. I stand there, try to get the brief 'lesson' across by any means possible (charades, hand gestures, blind rage) - the kids are either good or crazy as usual. Of course, when the teacher is there the kids act completely different - suddenly the drooling psychotic 'special needs' kid will begin to recite poetry and throw me totally off balance (this isn't good as I am usually still a wee bit drunk by the time I come into work anyways!). Also they don't misbehave (which is nice, but then the teacher no longer belives your war stories) and the good kids who attempt English no longer even try once as they are worried to screw up in front of the Korean teacher.

Long story short - I don't like this new 'watch-ken-waste-everyones-time-and-money' policy. Not one damn bit!

Aside from that uhhhhh....I am still trying to plan this Japan trip. It looks like I will now be flying into Osaka (as its cheaper) with a few people, but only if I can take 2 of my holiday days at the end of July - as the girl I am going with has booked an earlier flight. This would give me about 8 days in the wildly expensive country of Japan. Sake it to me! as Austin Powers would say.

The weather will be very humid and rainy here for the next month or so due to the monsoons in China. I am not impressed with this as I already sweat too much as is. My extensive wardrobe of 7 shirts must be cleaned on a bi-weekly basis. Yes mom, I will buy clothes when I have the chance (e.g.- when I am not hammered off my ass!)

My buddy Court booked his plane ticket and will be flying in mid-September and leaving the 1st or 2nd of October. It will be very nice to see him, and something to look forward to (like a hooker taking off her white knee-high boots at the end of a shift!).

What else? Uhhh....I have been here for officially 6 months as of the 21st so uh, yeah I am halfway through.

Bye-bye!

A week in review.

2007-06-19T21:08:00.000-04:00

Heeeeeeeeere's Buddha!

Last week was my birthday, so while the days were spent at work 'teaching' many of the nights were spent 'celebrating' (both left me slurring my speech and needing to pee). For some reason I had at least one kid every single day have some kind of minor breakdown, from a little girl named Kelly weeping sadly because she lost a spelling game to some crazy kid named 'Tiger' coming at me with scissors before proceeding to sit down and shred his pencil to bits cursing my name (I couldn't pry the scissors out of his strong, masculine hands - and I'm not joking about him cursing my name while killing his pencil).

Anyways, on my birthday I came in and no one wished me a 'Happy Birthday Ken!'. I was very sad assuming they'd all forgotten, but of course, as they've done before with others they waited until all the kids were safely locked away in the classrooms before turning off the lights and doing the whole cake and song thing (I'll put a picture of that up later as its on someone elses camera). After work I just wanted to go home (as I had been out late the Tuesday night with Kyle) but after agreeing to go out for some chicken and beer, we ended up at the local foreigner bar U2 drinking lots. After Kyle and Blake and others showed up, I stayed there until about 4am.

An old Ajumma trying to launch a surprise attack at the temple in Kyungju. Her tactic was "If I can't see you than you can't see me". She couldn't see the stairs either!

I felt okay the next morning, but after stupidly having 3 coffees and nothing to eat before I went to work - the coffee mixed in with all the booze made me feel incredibly nauseous (the shakes, clammy hands, spins) and I was just beginning the monster class with crazy, rude kids. As soon as that class ended (longest 50 minutes OF MY LIFE) I explained to our understanding boss (who was hungover when he first interviewed Kyle for his job) who let me go home for a couple of hours - but he asked me to come back if I felt better. After getting sick, I reluctantly returned to work for the remainder of the day.

Now, after feeling this crappy I would usually say "I'm never drinking again", but I knew the following day that my entire work (except the other 2 foreign teachers Nicole and Blake) were going away for the weekend, and I'd already seen our Director walk in with a huge box filled with bottles and bottles of SoJu. All I could do was cry and pray my liver held out.

Just arrived at the temple.

So Saturday morning we met at GnB and drove in a few different cars the 2-hour ride to Kyungju. The 3 Korean teachers I was with played Korean songs and were generally very excited (its not very often some of them get away from their parents for a full day...while I have a full year!). Kyunhju is a very popular spot for all Koreans as it is a gigantic heritage sight, so there are basically just hotels, restaurants, old temples and lots of mountains. After we got there we walked around a very old Buddhist temple built in 750 a.d.

Kyle in front of a bit of the massive temple.

I was awed by the history behind the place but I was more impressed with the staggering number of photos the Korean teachers took of each other. They literally took hundreds of photos each. Some were posed near a pond, others posed in a parking lot. They were just taking pictures for the sheer joy of it.

This little stone pagoda is very famous as it is the exact one on the back of the 10won coin here.

After that we headed to our 'condo' to drop off our stuff (we would stay here for the night). It was really nice compared to the time I went up to Jiri-San and had to sleep in a corner. This place had 2 TVs, 2 huge rooms, and it was new and clean. Instead of biking around like people usually do in Kyungju we decided (after discovering we could get a discount) to go to a local amusement park called Kungju World.

Some of our Korean teachers waiting for fun to be had.

In no way could you compare it to Canada's Wonderland but it wasn't bad. There was a great brand new ride called Phaeton which was really good (like the Top Gun ride at Wonderland). Oddly, lots of times we would just sit in the rides all buckled up waiting for more riders to join, as the place was so quiet and they didn't want to start the ride until it was fuller.

Very typical Korean couple. Many dress exactly the same, it is both sad and funny (like getting caught touching yourself)

The only busy ride was the bumper cars which my work insisted on going several times. One ride made me sick, another was abandoned and near falling apart (its paint was all chipped, metal was protruding out - it was dying). Fun times though.

What kind of park is this!?!

So we finally returned back to our condo and broke out the meat, SoJu, and beer. Other groups away for the weekend were sitting at their tables nearby, but no one talked to each other (they really don't mingle like that here). It was about 7pm when we started eating, and as per the usual eating/drinking marathons that Koreans do everyone was hammered by 8pm. Bottles and bottles of SoJu littered the ground and nauseous looking Koreans were everywhere. Suddenly our director yelled "Noraebahng!" and next thing you know we are all piled into a tiny van careening down a street singing and yelling. At 9pm we get to the place and instantly 5 of our Korean teachers went to the bathroom, threw up, and passed out in the various empty Noraebanhg rooms (there are several inside one place). Drunk but still very much alive Kyle and I started off the night by singing 'Livin' la Vida Loca', and 20 minutes later Mony Mony. By 11:30 only our very drunk (and quite affectionate) director, Kyle, myself and the 2 sober Korean teachers remained standing. One drunk Korean teacher was half-standing and singing - she was a real trooper.

So after we piled everyone into the van and came back Kyle and I ended up drinking and speaking very very broken English with some other drunk Koreans until about 3am as everyone from our staff had fallen asleep.

One of the many times I've looked at a photo and thought, "who the hell was this person?" - one of the late night random people we met.

7:30am the next day, 9 of the Korean teachers who had passed out early were up and talking, cooking very loudly right next to mine and Kyle's heads. You know how in Canada if you wake up early you just quietly sneak outside or continue to lie there until a decent appropriate time? Not here. It was not cool. Also, in the middle of the night I woke up dripping with sweat (I had accidentally laid upon the hottest area of the ondol floor) - ondol is a heated floor - every place has one. So I went outside to get some fresh air and ended up falling asleep for about an hour. I woke up and there was a puppy sleeping right beside me - really weird.

The puppy who fell asleep at my feet - he was delicious mixed with Ramen noodles.

I know what your thinking, your saying, "well you didn't have to stay up so late and drink so much" - yes, we did actually. You see, the whole points of these get-a-ways is for the boss to get hammered with his employees and have a good time so he can brag to other directors about his staff, but every teacher passed out early on - so Kyle and I (who were pacing ourselves) had to stay up with him to ensure a fun, drunken time. Were we successful? What do you think?

I poked and pushed and elbowed but he wouldn't stop snoring.

Anywhoo, I ate some Ramen noodles and rice in the morning - and slept most of the way home.

Blake has dropped out of our August trip to Japan, so it looks like I'll be doing it solo. It is an incredibly expensive country so I am thinking about spending a couple days in Tokyo (one of the most expensive cities in the world- like London) and than taking the train down to Mount Fuji - where you can climb it in about 15 hours. You have to do it in stages because of altitude sickness (you can also spend the night in one of the many 'huts' that cater to the over 200,000 tourists who climb every year).

We'll see.

Thats the price you pay for rolling up your sleeves trying to look strong.

Just some pictures...

2007-06-15T10:30:00.001-04:00

Hey, its late Friday night here - and since I am officially 27 and a little hungover, I am going to bed. Saturday I am going away with my work until Sunday, and since my stupid cameras batteries are dead - I won't be taking any pictures.

Here are some photos I got from my work though...

Our whole staff at the time - thats me on my first day (after I took the Santa Claus suit off looking very sad, sweaty and out of place off to the side. I had only arrived days before and had valiantly fought that troublesome can't-stop-the-crapping problem throughout X-mas. ho ho ho.

This was from that recent trip up North where we all got drunk and had to dance.

This is Sky and myself, she was the hot Korean who instructed me to put on the Santa Claus uniform 5 minutes after walking into work for the first time. Beautiful but cruel.

Thats Kelly in the black hat (my favorite girl here), Yulie just behind me, and Monica giving the double peace symbol. A regular Ken sandwich it was!

This was taken on the day of the annual speech contests where the foreign teachers (Waygooks) sit there and judge kids based purely on whether I liked them or not (many children failed). At first it was cute, 6 hours later you wanted to cry.

2 hours into it and a whole different batch of kids - if you look closely you can see that each teacher is trying miserably to hide their boredom (I am also leaning forward due to a surprise attack from the nefarious Diarrhea Fairy)

Thats Wendy with Santa Claus. She doesn't speak a word of English and since I don't speak Korean we usually just poke each other (always ending with me trying desperately to cop a feel)

The first time some of the girls posed with me. Since I was trying to be the "laid back new guy" I just kept yelling Ho! Ho! Ho! to look like I was playful. Instead I frightened them. They are used to me now though, so my regular hello of "Ho! Ho! Ho!" is tolerated better. Notice the Korean version of Tiny Tim off to the left. Like many children here she had recently been hit by a car driving down the sidewalk. Really sweet smart girl.

This is a girl named Michelle who wouldn't leave me alone. She doesn't go to our school anymore and isn't missed. The one Korean teacher standing behind me near the door looks and acts a lot like Satan - she is also gone now

These are 2 little girls I've taught for the past couple of months. The one standing insists on being called 'Beronica' (not Veronica) and the little one kneeling is named Emily. The 1st time I taught her she didn't really care for me much, but the 2nd time I walked into the classroom she was heaving sobbing because one of the boys had made fun of her - after she was taken into the hallway by a Korean teacher to be comforted I suppose she must have heard me screeching at the class like a hooker with a bee sting for she is now the only student to consistently search me out every day to say hello, sit on my lap and do her homework (or just to pass the time we look at pictures on the computer - her favorite one is of me drinking SoJu alone). She can get a little attention-hogging in class though, as she knows full well that she is one of my favorites. Actually, she really reminds me of Sophia as well - sensitive, cute, not an evil bone in her body, but difficult sometimes - the only difference here is that I can't hit Emily when she annoys me! Ha! Ha! Ha! Abuse!

Uhhhh....not much to say about this one.

Group photo up north at the GnB picnic.

My hand is moments away from pushing the kids hand violently away from my beard as he was in the process of putting some chewed up blue gum into it. I was too late, so had blue gum in the beard for a couple of hours longer.

Lucas is the fat one behind Eric's hand. Its too bad you can't see his face as it is in a perpetual scowl and looks hilarious. Brian is the one off to the right. He does a great impression of an old man asking for money.

The day before Monday

2007-06-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

A great example of why so many companies refuse to sell their products in Korea.

The weekends over. Thats pretty sad.

As you know drinking makes me pretty depressed - and after a night of drinking I feel so crappy about everything that the only thing that seems to make things okay is another drink. Tis a vicious cycle! I am the king around here of saying, "I am never drinking again. No, I mean it. Never" as I struggle to open a bottle of cheap wine.

Usually after saying this I find myself with SoJu dripping off my chin trying to explain the hardships of turning 27 to anyone who will listen (usually the men at naked fun spa time swim away). Since SoJu is so cheap, yelling "the next round of SoJu is on me" isn't followed by cheers (its usually jeers or 'stupid old cheap bastard')

So Friday night I just wanted to stay in and relax (as Tuesday night was lots of drinking), but after dinner Kevin and I and a couple of friends from my area went to a nearby bar, next thing you know we're at a popular foreigner bar - Kevin leaves - and the next thing you know we're at some place called Club Neo with 4 of my Korean co-workers and I am shooting pool against some silent Korean gangster while his English-speaking assistant translated his grunts. I remember he insisted on playing me alone. I assume this was because he saw me making insane shots while obviously drunk (using the pool cue to see "how low I can go" and promptly falling over). They wanted to play for $100 a ball, but apparently "Are you fuc*ing crazy?! Look at how I dress?! Look at me!" works in every language. He beat me with only one of my balls left on the table - but I left with the 2 I came in with - so fun was had by all! The next thing you know I am slurring my way to ordering a Big Mac combo (they call it 'set' here) with a few of the guys from my area at 5am. Next thing you know I wake up with a stinky dry mouth, my man-purse in bed with me and the plastic McDonalds cup I had used safely wrapped in a spare t-shirt.

Though I wanted nothing more than to just rest all day I had told Kevin a week prior that I would go out to dinner with him and a couple of Korean guys he'd met at his gym. Since bailing out on Kevin is like Michael Douglas being told breakfast wasn't being served anymore in the movie Falling Down (to a violent, yet sociologically correct outcome) I lay in bed watching Discovery Channel all day and ordered my liver (and bowels) to stop crying. "Once more unto the breach old friends!" I cried moments after meeting up with Kevin, fully expecting another hard night of boozing. Instead it turned out to be just Kevin, myself, and a fellow named Mr. Kim (the 27-year old manager of Kevins gym - a very friendly guy who is married with one baby). We went out for fatty bacon, nursed a couple small glasses of beer and talked about anything we could really think of. Kevin used his Korean (which is improving daily), I used my English (which is regressing hourly) and Mr. Kim spoke a fair bit of English (far more than I thought he would be able to).

Next thing you know I wake up and its Sunday. Dammit.

June 14th I turn 27. Joy.

Lee. Fann Lee.

2007-06-04T08:48:00.000-04:00

This is not Fann Lee. This is a happy drunk Korean man I saw passed out on a bench at 1am a couple of weeks ago. This is actually a fairly common sight. He is the 2nd person I've seen smiling while passed out.

So the past weekend was very uneventful (as usual).

During an emergency on Sunday I was forced to use a squat toilet for the first time - the nerve, the balance, and the leg power it requires not to just give up and fall over is unreal. I imagine it gets easier with practice, but it was still quite the accomplishment - feeling like a young boy who has just used the big toilet for the first time I wanted to run out and find the nearest adult to let him know how proud I was of myself. But alas, my legs were far too weak from the exertion it took to stay in this military style position so instead I just sat exhausted on a bench and had some ice cream (inciting a 2nd trip to the squat toilets).

I was also forced to pay for toilet paper. Imagine freaking out when you need a quarter for the phone and times that by a million - hands shaking, fumbling around searching for the proper coins - very scary.

So my usual poo fiasco's aside, I paid the down payment for my trip to China at the end of September, so thats one thing out of the way. Now I just have to give them all of my passport information (and Kevins, and my buddy Court who is coming in September to visit!)

Today was memorial day in Korea so I had the day off - which was good considering all the beer I drank last night.

I also got my hair cut at that same place where as soon as you walk through the sliding doors you can literally hear the scissors drop as customers and stylists stare at you in amazement. One of the stylists assistants expression kind of read, "he's - he's not Korean, so what is he? His skin is so sickly and pale, his eyes a dull blue...I think I love him, but how? it is wrong but feels so right".

Anyways I just said 'short', pointing all around my head and moments later the faux-hawk disappeared back to the ground from whence it came. After I was finished they all gathered by the desk as I shuffled through my man purse to find the money to pay, there was 8 of them just staring at me about 2 feet away, it was incredibly awkward. Also, he cut my hair quite short so I think I look a little lesbianish.

The big news is that I finally got a phone...but I went through hell and back to get it. This where Fann Lee comes in.

There are basically 2 ways you get a phone here. One way as far as I know, is to put down a $200 deposit and pay a monthly fee - the other is to buy a used phone off of a foreigner who is leaving and do a pay-as-you-go thing whereby you put money on the phone and get phone stores to top it up when you need to. Air time is very expensive so I just planned to text.

For the past 2 months I have been looking through the classifieds for a phone on a website that is only about my city Busan. I saw that a girl was selling her phone for $50, and after haggling her down to $40, we decided to meet up a few days later at Starbucks. When I got there though she told me that the phone was a monthly plan, but her Half-Chinese friend (its important to tell you that shes Asian, I'm not just describing her) offered to sell me her used phone for $20, and it was a pay as you go - but I had to wait until Saturday. Sure, thats great!

So Saturday rolled around and she sent me a last minute email explaining how she won't be able to give me the phone until Sunday. Fine. Sunday night comes and I get an email telling me that she missed her train and doesn't have her other phone yet so we would have to meet Monday morning. Monday morning comes and with no email I go downstairs to meet her at 10am (she lives in my building) - 10:50 and shes still not there so I run upstairs hoping that shes sent me some kind of email - she had, now switching it to Tuesday at 10am. Fine. 10am Tuesday it is. I get downstairs at 10:04 and no ones there. So after waiting for 20 minutes I got annoyed and was on my way upstairs when she came out of another elevator.

Un-named girl- Were you waiting long?

Ken- Since 10

Un-named girl- (thinking shes caught me in a trap) Ha! I was here at 10!

Ken- (not impressed and showing it) Fine, 10:04.

I didn't bother to say, "You couldn't wait for 5 minutes you inconsiderate cow? And why make me wait for 20 more minutes?!". I just wanted her phone, not an apology.

So after making small talk we headed off to this phone place nearby as we had to switch the registration on the phone from her name to my name, an easy process (I was told) - I would get a new number, as she wanted to keep her old one. Fine. I don't care. So once we get to the store she suddenly pulls out a black cellphone and asks excitedly if I want to buy the used black cellphone instead. Confused I asked her why she was buying one used cellphone for another (had she dropped the one I wanted to buy in the toilet after a night of Indian food?) - pausing far too long to make anything excuse remotely believable she explained that her friend was very ill and needed money so she, being gracious, bought the phone off of him for $90 - and was now willing to sell it to me for $90. She was shocked that her practiced sales-pitch didn't snag me as she quickly asked me confused and annoyed, "well, why not? Are you trying to save money or something?".

We were then informed that we had to go to a different store (a short cab ride away) to get the registrations changed - so off we went to a huge beautiful place that sold high-end cell phones (many Koreans will happily spend over $500 on a new phone every few months - it is a huge status symbol here). The sales people, unimpressed with our crappy used phones and taken aback at the girls rude aggressiveness tried to be as helpful as possible. It was at this point that she informed me that the text messaging on my phone wouldn't work unless I always left one message in the inbox, some other things problems I didn't catch - and most importantly that the phone had been registered under a Chinese girls name for a very long time and that she never had never got it switched to her name ("it was the phone companies fault" she whined pathetically several times), but would use the girls Chinese name when she would put money on the phone (you have to give your name when doing so). "I've never had a problem though". "Yes, because you are a Chinese girl" I told her angrily. "Are you okay?" she inquired after seeing me put my hands on my face and groan. "Bet your glad I'm here to help you with all this registration stuff eh newbie?" (she arrived in August).

So after handing over our Alien Registration Cards it came as no surprise when we were informed that the phone could not be put in my name, as neither of us were the actual person "Fann Lee". "Don't worry" the girl assured me while they put her name on the black phone, "just say her name confidently and they probably won't even question you". "riiiiiiight..." I replied a la Dr.Evil. So while the exasperated employees were working on the phones and hating foreigners more and more she offered me the black phone one more time ('you can send multiple texts!') and then told me that since she had just put money on my phone I owed her an additional $20.

With a patronizing stare and rolling eyes, I refused to give her any money as there was no way to see how much money was actually on the phone - and she had been texting and calling on it since I met her that morning. So after a few more annoyances she got her name registered on the 'new' phone and I officially became "Fann Lee" covert Chinese cell phone user. Needing to go and work out so I wouldn't kill her she explained how since she had gone through so much trouble over the past few days to get me the phone quickly that she hadn't the time to copy all of the addresses and numbers from the old phone (now mine) to the new one. So she agreed to drop off my phone in an hour after she had transferred over all of her unfortunate contacts in my mailbox (I told her I didn't know where the keys were, but managed to find them later and unlock it so she could just open it and drop my phone in and not have to fit it through the little slot). Of course it wasn't there by the time I left for work but I was told in a brief email 2 hours later that she was again too busy to change the numbers, but would get me the phone before she went to work at 4pm (her work had recently fired her for incompetence I was later told by co-workers)...oh and she also informed me that my mailbox WAS open! So she basically went to my floor (she was on 11, I'm on 19), phone in hand - opened my mailbox but decided for some unknown reason not to put it in.

Since I was now at work I couldn't scream when I opened my Gmail to be greeted with a 2nd email from her telling me to now 'confidently' "expect the phone at 10:45pm". So I sat there and thought about how much money she was wasting on my phone while I was at work (I had put an additional $40 on it before I became Fann Lee). 10:45pm rolled by and as I had been sitting outside of my apartment building drinking beer I kept running up to check to see if she had dropped it off in my mailbox whilst taking a quick wee.

No phone. Coming downstairs I ran into her and her friends leaving the convenience store below my apartment, and being drunk I bellowed, "where's my phone!?" to which she snottily replied "can you just wait for 20 minutes, I need to copy the numbers and addresses still - come up to mu apartment". "No, you come down here" I argued drunkenly.

20 minutes later I was banging on her apartment door and had to sit and talk to her unfortunate co-workers for an additional 20 minutes while she wrote her lucky friends numbers down by hand. As I walked out the door she actually offered me the black cell phone once more, and now for only $60! So aside from being an inconsiderate, annoying liar she was also a scammer (bought it for $90 my ass). What goes around comes around I reminded myself.

Triumphantly joining my beer friends back downstairs, phone held high I cheerfully answered the phone when Kyle (sitting across from me, beer in hand) called me to say "hello" - but before I could reply my phone suddenly said in a loud female voice (everyone could hear) - "charge the battery" and then it died moments later.

Today I have received multiple texts and calls from her contacts. If I didn't want to save money and didn't mind spending cash on the air-time I would tell them stories.

Me so happy.

Bi Bim Bap

2007-06-02T00:12:00.000-04:00

So here I am sitting in my fudgies (underwear) on a warm Saturday afternoon, slightly hungover from yet another Friday of SoJu drinking.

Not much happened this week. We got our new monthly schedule, one of the Korean teachers left for another job in Seoul (it was the teacher who made me dress like Santa Claus on my 2nd day here), and I am still considering shaving my head (not too close, but enough that it may help me to not drench every shirt with sweat this summer).

We get Wednesday off next week which will be really nice, as it is smack in the middle of the work-week. Perhaps I should sleep all day? That would be pleasant. Uhhhh....what else to talk about? I am trying to choose places to go on vacation and it is driving me crazy (crazier). It looks like the end of September during a 3-day vacation (technically 5 as it is Sat/Sun/Mon/Tue/Wed) that everyone gets (Chuseok) I will be going to China to see the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, etc. But I don't know what I'll do during the summer when my work 'shuts down' for 3 days. Anyways, I'll think about it and get back to you.

Oh screw this, I'll write a longer blog tomorrow - I'm hungry and feel like some Bi Bim Bap.

Womens pants and me.

2007-05-27T07:04:00.000-04:00

Uneventful weekend, nice weather.

After celebrating Buddhas birthday I ended up with a slight hangover Friday, so I was quite happy that all day we had scheduled "reading tests" - so basically I was to just sit there smiling at the kids I like and scowling at the ones I don't while they completed their tests. These 'tests' were supposed to take the whole hour so I was pissed when the kids would finish them in 15 minutes and I was instructed by the baffled Korean teachers to play an English game with them (no spin-the-bottle or pin-the-tail-on-the-giggling-teacher) for the remaining time.

I played Bingo with them instead.

Friday night I grabbed some food with a co-worker and ended up drinking SoJu and Beer in front of my building with several other foreigners - something that happens a fair bit I'm told when its warm (I've seen them out there when its freezing though, so I think the whole temperature excuse is crap).

Anyways, I managed to feel quite sick the next day (Soju!) but Keith and Gabrielle were coming into my area to visit Kangsan Travel so I ended up spending a fair bit of Saturday with them. Gabe bought shoes that I liked so I bought them today hoping she will be my twin (my real twin just wears Zellers hushpuppies all the time). The beach had a ton of white people on it, mostly soldiers I believe from the way their haircuts were and how they kept shooting at each other for fun. Later on I met up with Kevin and after dinner we went to a DVD Bahng to watch Casino Royale. Kevin will never be a Bond girl with his attitude.

And today (Sunday) I didn't wake up until noon - so after wondering whether or not I should just call it a day and go back to sleep I ended up walking around to try to do some shopping. I hated shopping in Toronto because I didn't know what to wear, didn't like to spend money and hated the employees of stores hovering over me - here its exactly the same except they speak in Korean (while the other store employees mostly snicker). But the worst part is that there is very little direction in how the stores are split up between men and women. I didn't know, nor did they tell me, that I had managed to select 3 pairs of womens jeans (it probably didn't help that I was also holding a skirt I was going to possibly buy for Sophia).

Sure the pants felt quite snug and I could've pulled them off had I a nice blouse and my voice just the slightest bit higher - but I put them away, quite dejected. And yes I did have to walk out of the change room into the main store to see myself in the mirror not trusting my instincts and no, I didn't take any pictures (sorry Alistair).

After that I headed down towards the beach and ran smack into a gigantic Christian festival with thousands and thousands of people - it was insane how busy it was.

So I accomplished nothing this weekend - only 7 more months to shape up before I ship out!

Buddhas Birthday!

2007-05-24T21:29:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update today.

The week has been pretty uneventful - Kevin's sweet-16 birthday was Wednesday evening so we went to the Outback Restaurant and had steak and beer, afterwards we hit a bar and then the beach. The next day, after only a few beers I felt quite hungover and useless but I had the day off as it was Buddhas birthday! (What is he, like 38 years old now?)

So I stayed in and did a whole lot of nothing until about 4pm when I ventured outside and stood aimlessly on a street corner trying to think of something to do. Just as I had turned around to go get an umbrella (and maybe grab another nap) I heard 2 of my co-workers across the street yelling my name, so I ended up grabbing some food with them and spending about 3 hours in one of Busans happiest places: SfunZ (sounds just like how you would attempt to pronounce it).

SfunZ is an 8-story building devoted to making Koreans and the occasional whitey happy. There is a movie theater on the top 3 floors (with 7 of 10 theaters showing Pirates 3) restaurants and clothing stores and bookstores on the remaining floors and the 4th floor is this place called UPara which is a big games place. Basically you buy a card for either an hour, 3-hours or the whole day and after having to high-five the clerk on the way in (everyone has to) you can go bowling, play ping-pong, shoot pool, play arcade games (stupid ones), or enjoy one of the dozens of super-massage chairs. We did all of this and enjoyed our 3 hours throughly. I was dripping sweat though as it was insanely hot inside, and ping pong was more difficult than I remembered, but the massage chairs turned this 'sore' loser into a relaxed one.

Afterwards I went home and thought about you.

So today is Friday and I have the whole weekend! I wish it could be Buddhas birthday every week.

GnB Fun-Day!

2007-05-20T20:26:00.001-04:00

The retarded looking guy in the center wearing the red is the official GnB cameraman, the retarded guy in the white t-shirt off to the far left is me.

I've tried to write this blog three times now, but I've either been too tired or too drunk (sorry ma, but its true - and yes Dad, its true!).

So heres how the weekend went down. Friday, after a full day at work I went home and got a few hours of sleep before waking up just before 3am to meet everyone from my work to take a few taxis to our big bus, parked somewhere far far away in this, the land of the morning calm.

Deciding that my baggy blue pants might not be as appreciated here as they are in Canada, and knowing that I had to wear khakis to look like I belonged to my team (people have yet to notice that I am not Korean) I over-packed for my one day trip substantially. I can still recall the mocking laughs when I pulled out 2 sweatshirts and a sports jacket. Since the bus went from hot to cold the girls did appreciate having sweatshirts (and sports jackets) to wear, even though I got stuck with using my balled up extra pair of jeans as a pillow (you never know when you may crap yourself!).

So the bus was quite wide and the seats substantially bigger than most other buses I've ridden on (usually the small yellow ones with other like-minded folk named Corky and Georgie) so I managed to curl into the fetal position and fall asleep for a few hours. We left Busan at around 3:30am and arrived somewhere far north by 10:15am or so. This yearly event is only for the company-owned schools, and not the dirty franchisees (about 25 schools are company and 1,800 are private).

Half-way there, this particualr rest stop had the most beautiful bathrooms I've ever peed in (there were large fish like you see in the Mandarin restaurants happily swimming inside right near the flower-scented urinals)

One of only 7 white people there I was immediately approached by a Korean guy handing out name tags and given the sticker "James" to proudly wear on my red jersey. I guess the Korean guy felt the name "Ken" was more Korean than James, and being the only white guy (so far) to arrive I was given this new name. Obviously I didn't understand what the nametag meant (I thought his name was James and this would identify him as my Captain or something). It took the heavy "Oh Ken, what have you done now?" sighs of my co-workers to realize my error. They kindly escorted me back to my area (as I had wandered off) like I was a lost 6-year old and got me the correct name tag.

This is Yulienna, 'nuff said.

We were separated into 4 teams (Green, Blue, Red, and light Blue) and started off by doing a warm up taught by some hired cheerleaders who looked hungover and not happy to be spending the day with us. Since they didn't think a translation for so few non-Koreans was necessary I just watched everyone else, not understanding a word. This non-translation thing was difficult during certain games - like when you listened to a question (from the MC who I am sure was funny) and had to run to either a 'yes' or a 'no' side. I miraculously stayed on for a long time by running with others until I felt the questions were becoming trick ones and would stay away from the majority. I eventually lost on a question that went something like, "If a woman has extensive plastic surgery to her face does she have to pay for a new drivers license?." I believe the correct answer was "No."

These mountains surrounded us

Another game we played was my team versus the blue team (than the winner from our match would play the other winner) where you started at opposite ends of the soccer field we were playing on and had to make a mad dash for the center where there were red or blue plates (plastic ones, not dinner plates). Though the instructions seemed simple in theory (we were red, so basically we had to make sure there were more red plates than blue facing up when the timer went). It took 2 Korean girls yelling "Anio!!!" at me to realize I was flipping over the wrong ones in my excitement at team-building. We lost. The other team kept cheating though, so my team was angry at them (quickly forgetting my little significant error).

There were other games like tug of war, soccer, and running events (I elected not to run, still scarred from my devastating and humiliating attempt at the 100 meter dash in grade 7). In one game where you had to spin around 3 times, piggy-back a randomly chosen partner to a balloon, blow up the balloon where she would then use a plastic hammer to pop it (while you sat on it), finally piggy-backing her to the end of the field where she had to eat some Korean slop without using her hands - my partner and I got stuck at the balloons where after she yelled angrily "Blow! Blow!" in my ear (just in case I tried to eat it instead) I couldn't tie the balloon due to my innocent, child-like fingers. So instead I just held onto it while she managed to miss the balloon several times with the hard plastic hammer hitting me in the back and now bloody child-like hands. We lost.

The prizes they were offering were pretty nuts. First prize for MVP (there was no prize for the LVP - Least Valuable Player) was a large plasma screen TV, 2nd prize was a trip to Singapore, 3rd prize was something electronic, etc. I didn't win anything. At one point after lunch (fatty bacon and rice wine) there was a big "find-a-piece-of-GnB-paper-and-win-a-prize" where I was sure to win something. So there I was for an hour scouring the surrounding garbage-littered field (opening up old soggy cigarette packs, lifting old pieces of mildewed wood and shrieking loudly after a frog jumped on my leg) feeling very much like Charlie looking for his golden ticket (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). Charlie though, unlike me, knew when there was only 1 ticket left - for due to my lack of Korean, I continued to search by myself long after the tickets were found and prizes distributed. I was up in a tree when someone finally noticed me all disheveled (holding my pet frog and eating old cigarette butts) and rescued me.

By the time the dance contest rolled around our team (Team Haeundae) was quite drunk and cheering everyone (especially the old lady/ajumma who kept bringing us more rice wine). We were the frat party of the day, which was nice. Our director Brian was hammered by the time we got up to do our dance - and since we were the 10th of the 15 teams to go up, people had grown tired of the dancing but were not yet drunk enough to cheer anyways - so we kind of got the bad lull in the middle. We still did good though.

After that we got right back on the bus where the suicidal driver got us back home fast, many times speeding past 150km/h (there is a safety 'beep beep' that alerts him to his excessive speed, but I guess only I could hear it). Since Kyle and I were the only ones awake at this point, we prayed together for our safe arrival. I guess the bus driver wanted to get home too, as he managed to turn a 7 hour bus ride into a 4 1/2 hour one.

I may be entirely wrong how far away we were from Seoul, but I know we were North of it.

So thats that. I get this Thursday off. Hurrah!

Greased Lightning!

2007-05-17T08:52:00.000-04:00

Today I had my second dance practice at work, my 4 years of jazz training didn't help me a bit. For one particular dance sequence though, I can honestly say that I miss the firm snug hold of my XXS dance-belt.

Oh, why are we dancing you ask? Because we're Korean! You know when companies have those big "play-days" when all of the separate branches get together and do various team-building activities? Well every year GnB (my company) gets about 150 schools together to spend an entire Saturday doing these games during the day before having a big dance-off and then getting drunk at night and returning home feeling nauseous but special. Since this is my first and only year being here I was slightly disappointed to hear that it is usually only the Korean teachers that attend it - but after some whining from another Canadian teacher we all get to come now.

The dance is something that each school does (and practices obsessively) as 1st prize is $500 to take the staff out for dinner, drinks, and noraebahng - but I think its just for bragging rights really. My school has decided to imitate this extremely popular dance video that was all the craze here a few years ago - like the Macarena was in Canada, but I assume much much cooler. I hope so at least. Since Blake isn't coming on the trip, and Nicole dropped out of the dance - Kyle and I remain the only "whiteys", so as to not completely mess up their great choreography I convinced them to let Kyle and I act as stupid funny people who basically stand at the side of the stage grinning like goons before we do a brief dance as the song changes (they have mixed 3 songs together). The Korean sense of humor is that the stupider you look the funnier it is, which is why we will all be wearing afros (for some reason I will be wearing the one afro which is 'half-bald' as well). ha ha?

We are leaving Saturday at 3am and taking a bus for 7 hours + all the way up to the North-East coast. Busan is on the South-East coast, so we are basically as far away as they can come. Once we arrive we will do the "play-day", the dance contest, eat and drink, and get right back on the bus again for the multiple-hour journey back down to Busan. So its sleep all day Sunday and back to work Monday.

I'll let you know how it goes on Sunday.

PS- Don't eat a Big Mac combo plus a McChicken sandwich right before you go to sleep like I have tonight. I feel fat and gross.

My New couch

2007-05-14T09:48:00.000-04:00

So my no-drinking rule lasted all of 5 days - which I am told is a new record in Korea. The past weekend was generally uneventful, so don't expect a surprise ending.

Friday night we (Kevin and I) grabbed some dinner at my favorite Galbi house. Galbi is basically this marinated beef that you cut up with a pair of scissors after letting it cook for a while on your grill. You then dunk it into this onion-mixture, grab a piece of lettuce that looks like a large leaf and whatever else you feel like tossing in (kimchi, garlic, etc.), wrap it like you're a McDonalds employee wrapping a delicious Big Mac and shove it in your mouth.

After that we grabbed a couple of pints and went off to a DVD Bahng - my first time in one of these places. Basically you walk in and ignore the puzzled look of the Korean DVD-Bahng owner whose usual clientel are horny Korean teenagers getting away from their parents strict eyes for 2 hours to do, well, whatever I didn't do much of in my teens (and adulthood). You pick a movie from the selection they have and are led to one of several private rooms where there is a couch and a giant TV that basically is wall to wall (depending I assume on how many people you have.) You can bring in whatever you want from chips to beer to donuts from the Dunkin Donuts one floor below. They also conveniently have a big box of tissue should 'jelly shoot out of the donut and miss the mouth' - teenagers can be so messy!. Kevin and I chose to watch the Chronicles of Narnia and only brought in beer so no tissues were needed.

Saturday we met up for Naked. Fun. Spa. Time. and went out for sushi and beer afterwards. Uneventful day, but a naked one at least.

Sunday I decided to go for a small walk which turned into a 4 1/2 hour long trek along the coast of Busan - where after walking along some well-used train tracks I stumbled upon the third of the 3 Busan beaches - SeongJong. I walked around this nice part of the city for a long time until I finally felt too sunburnt and hopped on a bus (something I had yet to do) to make my way back into Haeundae. I wanted to go and see the movie 28 Weeks Later - but I don't think its opened here yet.

Later in the evening I agreed to meet up with Kevin in the PNU area at 7pm in the "waiting area" of that subway stop. Not 2 minutes after sitting down on the bench an old guy who reeked of booze sidled up to me and after inquiring where I was from and learning Canada he took my hand and began stroking it affectionately against his own cheek, like he was adopted by a Canadian soldier as a young puppy in the Korean war and mistook me for his owner. In my usual un-tactful way I laughed nervously while quickly getting up, thanked him in Korean (only words that I know in Korean aside from "How much") and hid in the bathroom hoping that as Kevin had yet to arrive he would sit next to the affectionate old coot and receive the same treatment (alas, no happy ending to this story).

We soon ended up back on the Mountain we got lost coming down from only a few months ago and after I 'saved' Kevins life (he stumbled off a rock and was only saved by my heroic yet ultimately useless grasp of his arm - as we both fell down and I cut myself). We grabbed some dinner (saving lives makes one hungry) at a crappy kebab place and parted ways.

I had to wait inside my apartment all morning and afternoon today (Monday) so I wouldn't miss the people who were delivering my couch. Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to buy a couch after I lost 300 grand at the casino, but I lie to myself all the time - so I expect it from myself and don't feel disappointed.

My If-I-were-a-Korean-bride Glamor shot

Anio!

2007-05-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

I've been finding it very hard to write anything lately. At first when I arrived, I had so many stories to share - from having strange Asian diarrhea for 3 days to eating authentic Mr.Noodles to bathing with Kevin and 200 other Korean men of all ages, shapes, sizes, and uh...other sizes. I also photoshopped my head into a lot of pictures.

But after 4 1/2 months I've found that things pretty much run the way they do when you have a normal job - regardless of where you are. I get up when I can (it's still very difficult to get up at 7:30am when you don't have to work until 2pm). I eat some breakfast while checking my constantly-empty inbox and talking for a bit on the phone. After, I try to pump myself up to write something - whether it be one of the many TV shows that exist only in my head (and only the opening credits at that), commercials that I think would be creative (people dressed as condoms at a party), or a Pixar film that seems to be a total knock-off of Monsters Inc. and Toy Story mixed together.

Thinking about the future (me releasing an album) takes up about an hour, so by then I feel a little stir-crazy and head off to exercise, where within about 5 minutes I am approached by a trainer who never actually helps me with my workout but will just point out obvious observations so he can practice his English. Today it was, "You are wearing headphones while you exercise." (I was wearing my Ipod). Not wanting to be rude I then explained in great detail (with hand gestures) everything I've done in Korea up to that moment he started to bug me (including the lonely Xmas diarrhea fiasco). Since he never seems to get sick of the story, I'll continue to tell him.

After that I come right home, take a shower and choose one of my standard t-shirts and jeans (look at any photo of mine and you'll see the same shirts ALL the TIME just in different places). I need to buy new clothes I know, but I was reluctant to do it in Toronto (because I felt pressured to do the whole metrosexual thing even though I had neither the style nor the money nor the 'sexual') and am even more hesitant here as I don't understand the sizes and because I am a lazy lazy lazy person.

So I go to work - stifle panic attacks - come home while trying to avoid the many foreigners drinking beer outside of the local convenience store (I am currently on a no-booze stint- 3 days and holding!) watch something on TV and go to sleep. I am also reading a book right now (Anna Karenina) which I manage to read for about 30 seconds before falling asleep and dreaming of myself in a lavish Russian gown (hows that for Metrosexual?).

I need to start planning little trips out of the city which I was so reluctant to do back in Ontario (haven't you ever just woken up one morning and just thought to yourself, "You know what? I bet Thunder Bay looks so beautiful right now!"). It would probably help me battle my crazy homesickness.

I had 2 small kids classes today where the material I was to teach them involved them being very loud. The commands were stuff like, "Jump - Hop - Roll - Run" - which was absurd in our tiny classrooms but I managed to do anyways by letting the kids just cry it out after running and rolling into sharp desks. The main lesson was to teach them, and then play, "London Bridge is falling down". It was messy to say the least and the kids wouldn't let me join in.

Just on a whim I brought some stickers to my next class of 10 (same book, same lesson - London Bridge...) and was delighted to discover that I could control them by waving these little jewels in their faces and giving one sporadically to the quiet kid (the one whose English is so limited that they just stare motionless at their desks like they've crapped themselves mere moments before- kind of like how I looked when taking an adult computer class at George Brown to 'increase' my hireability). Anyways, they look incredibly sweet when you give them a sticker and downright mean and cruel when you won't give them a 2nd one. One kid even told me they hated me after refusing to give them a 3rd sticker. I was proud she used English, but 'hate'? Maybe Profoundly Dislike, but not hate.

After work I was walking to the grocery store and happened upon a foreigner who was arguing with 2 Korean men. I said "How are you?" to him and he explained how he had just been in an accident after the other guy (angry Korean man) ran a red light and hit him off his motorcycle with his car. The other younger Korean guy who like me was just walking by was trying to mediate the situation before the police arrived (they don;t really have a 911 system here, they most often just flag down a police officer when they drive by - once every 4 hours). The foreigner guy, who wasn't badly hurt (just some scrapes and likely a sore back) wanted to leave but the other guy wouldn't let him. This was most likely due to the fact that he had no health insurance and no motorcycle papers, no license, etc. Eager to help break the law while making a new friend I urged to leave (understanding the problems he could get into), but our plan was foiled by the angry Korean man who then attempted to grab his keys. This quickly escalated into a yelling match where I (urinating myself as usual in a conflict) kept saying, "Anio!" (which means 'No!') over and over again until everyone stopped arguing and looked at me as if to say, "Why do you keep saying no?". When the other angry Korean man walked away to cool down the guy asked me quietly if he should just drive off, and after I nodded he bolted and left me with the 2 guys asking for my information and why was I such a willing accomplice?

With "Anio" as my only defense they eventually realized my complete uselessness and let me on my merry way. This wasn't the first time my utter uselessness has gotten me out of (and into) some weird situations, and definitely won't be the last.

Which means that I'll need to buy some NEW pants to urinate into!

quick hello...

2007-05-06T09:13:00.000-04:00

So whats new?

Every month we get a new schedule where they throw in a few classes you haven't had and keep you with classes you hate (or hate you). Usually its the kids who hate me, so its like elementary school all over again. Aside from getting a whole bunch of young classes, I also got stuck with that young class I had a while ago where pencils were thrown at me (with the "No! No! No!" kid). There is this horrible boy named Robert in the class as well who either tries to stab other kids with pencils or fight them (punching them in the face, kicking them). The 2 other teachers who have had this class have asked repeatedly to have the kid removed, but he is money (with the personality of a young psychotic). I had to physically lift him out of class 9 times, so 50 minutes later when the class was over I was drenched with sweat.

So aside from my usual hatred of some classes - last Wednesday was great because the whole day I was a judge in the annual speech contest alongside the other foreign teachers. Sure it got a little tiresome after you heard the same zero-inflected speech concerning strawberries 100 times, but its better than my usual Wednesdays (crying in the kitchen in between classes while).

What else happened this week? uhhhh....

Well aside from getting over that vicious cold I had over the last weekend I went out to this packed foreigner bar this weekend and went to Spiderman 3 tonight (good, but not great).

Sorry for the boring update, but I'm pretty bored too. Mail me something!

Oh yeah - I finally found cheese. So thats nice.

DMZ Blog up

2007-05-01T11:12:00.000-04:00

There, I finally finished my little blog on the DMZ. It turned out way longer than I expected and is probably far more boring than I would like.

Oh well.

Click to the link off to your right "The Virgin Traveler's Travels"

Back from the DMZ

2007-04-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

So I am trying to write this damn blog about the DMZ but it is running very long, and this is without pictures - so it'll be up in a day or so (hopefully).

Since Sophia (my girlfriend) has an extremely slow computer I put up a different blog "the Virgin Traveller's Travels" so once I actually post it you can read it from there without having to reload the Virgin Traveller page every time. Your welcome Sophia.

I have a bad cold and am considering calling in sick tomorrow.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Leaving for the DMZ

2007-04-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today I have been dating my beautiful girlfriend Sophia for a ball-crunching 5 years. Since I am not in Canada to wine and dine her and generally devote the whole day to her happiness, I am going to do the next best thing by escorting girlfriend #2 Kevin (of Naked Fun Spa Time fame) all the way up past Seoul to check out whats really going on in the DMZ (the Demilitarized Zone - or Dangerous Machinegun Zone).

This particular tour is led by the USO (United States Organization)- so many foreigners here won't go on this tour because they believe that by doing so they are directly supporting the war effort. When confronted with this I usually stare blankly at the accuser until they realize that they have just spoken to the least-informed person in the world, and wasted valuable air telling me their radical feelings.

We are leaving by slow-train tonight (Friday) at 11pm and about 5 1/2 hours later will arrive at Seoul Station. After grabbing a coffee I will then for my own safety (and modesty) have to take refuge in the bathroom where I will undergo a radical transformation from the sleek, hip dynamo look (spiky-haired jogging-pants loving bum) to a conservative (and politically informed!) young man. Included with the directions and such from the USO was a list of forbidden 'things' such as: no denim of any type (it is like Kryptonite to the North Koreans), no t-shirts, no jogging pants (dammit!), no running shoes, etc. Also, in section 2 it states: "In addition, shaggy or unkempt hair, or faddish hairstyles and colors, excessive body piercing, etc. are not permitted."

Uh-oh!

Having tossed my khakis years ago along with my various turtlenecks I guess I'll have to wear some black dress pants and a dress shirt (but I will leave a few buttons opened as an act of sexy defiance a la "Make love, nor War") and some dress shoes which won't be of much help when we enter into the tunnels of aggression (more on that when I return!)

If I return of course.

Just because...

2007-04-23T08:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know exactly why, but I liked this video. Maybe its because these two hens come out of nowhere to break up this fight, or the fact that they stare the rabbits down like angry school teachers before walking calmly away.

How I lost a couch I never got to sit on.

2007-04-22T04:46:00.000-04:00

Have you seen my money?

As I sit writing this blog on my little blue chair I can't help but wonder what the couch I once thought of getting would've looked like, what it may have felt like...would I have used it only for sitting? Or maybe sleeping when I couldn't be bothered to walk 2 feet over to my bed? I guess I'll never know. More on that later.

Dreaming of the couch that I would lose later that night while these 2 dreamed of more beer.

Since todays Sunday that means tomorrow is Monday and month 4 in Korea is officially underway.

Friday night (Blakes birthday) was fun. We met at her place and drank until about 11:30pm (2 1/2 hours past my usual bedtime) and after cabbing it to a chicken place we went to this nearby bar to drink pints of beer that sit in individual chilled holders at your table (I can't be bothered to explain it, but every place in Canada should be required to have them).

Chicken place

After that we ended up at this popular foreigner bar and drank even more. At one point I recall dancing by myself near a tiny stage to an old 80's song - you've all seen him before - the drunk guy in the bar dancing by himself. And yes just like the drunk guy dancing with his eyes half-closed I also felt at that instant I must've looked very cool. Thats what alcohol does to you - aside from taking away your couch it takes away a few fine motor skills: walking, talking, and better judgment.

The next day I woke up and prepared my liver for yet another day of drinking as I was going to be meeting up with Kevin (he of the Naked Fun Spa Time fame) and this guy named Keith (who I met when I didn't climb Jirisan mountain a month or so back). I had been told that drinking in the stadium was cool, but I didn't know if I would be secretly drinking it while Koreans turned a blind eye at me - again, I was wrong. The stadium was pretty packed and every nearby convenience store was stocked to the roof with nearly frozen plastic pitchers of beer. They also gave you some handy little dixie cups with your beer should the children sitting nearby get thirsty after their SoJu popsicles. We met up with Blake and a bunch of her friends (all from the night before) and after paying $2 for our tickets on the 3rd base line we settled down and drank.

Our view from the first place we stayed

Our seats - Koreans put newspaper on them to keep your butt warm, and when the game gets exciting you can make a little pom-pom out of the warm newspaper.

I ate 2 of these things sold to me by some old Korean woman who worked for 7-11. At first she seemed annoyed that one of the girls we were with was drinking beer (no idea why) but her demeanor quickly changed as we emptied her supply of these disgusting delicacies (they were only $1 each), now she can finally go to college.

Eating pogos with a friendly guy named Ryan (he ate 4)

Eventually we changed areas and ended up high in the nosebleeds with tons of drunk Koreans all wanting to chug their drinks with us whiteys and hug us.

Some drunk Koreans with some drunk Canadians.

What was nice about the baseball game was aside from the Korean love of the wave (which went on for several minutes at a time, while the players graciously stopped the game until we were ready to watch them again) the Koreans would break out into various cheers from the simple chant to this complex patriotic song that turned the place into one big Noraebahng (Korean karaoke). It was fun.

Posing with beer makes everything alright!

After that Kevin, Keith and I decided to meet up later and head out to one of Koreas few casinos (no Koreans are allowed in, so its basically an international crowd) with Keiths girlfriend Gabrielle.

My last meal that is not bread and water.

Nervous about my gambling skills with Blackjack I watched Keith and Gabe play for a while until I tried my hand at it. People all around me were winning and I happily thought, "I want to win money too!". Long story short and several free scotches later I was drunk and down from a soft couch to a little wooden stool (I lost that after trying roulette once on my way out - '7' a lucky number my floor-loving ass). At about 4am I bid goodnight to everyone and stumbled away - the only consolation is how I can now say "I lost 300 thousand at the casino".

And he never gambled while drinking scotch again.

Hard bench meet my butt - you'll be together for a long time.

4 months tomorrow.

2007-04-19T22:36:00.000-04:00

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....its Friday! And it'll be the 4 month anniversary of my arrival in this country. 1/3 done! Which is kinda good and kinda bad.

Whats happened this week? Well I do know that at least once or twice a day I've found myself saying, "Oh I have to put this in my little blog" after somethings happened. But by the time I've found a suitable piece of scrap paper to write my observation/complaint on I either forgot what I was going to mention or just plain forgot that I was going to write something in the first place.

From what I can remember some classes drove me nuts while in others I drove them nuts. I know one poor class had to put up with me explaining comparatives and superlatives using the word 'good'. Naturally instead of 'teaching' them good - better- best I 'taught' them good - gooder - goodest. They were very patient with me after I realised my faux pas 25 minutes into the lesson (and after several drawings that I felt best represented the grammar - me with muscles, me with athletic trophies). Come to think of it, that entire day (Wednesday I think?) was filled with me feeling horribly brain-dead in front of the students. Again, it was like that episode of the Simpsons when Homer becomes a teacher and starts his class by standing there going, "ummm...uhhh....no talking!...ummmm.....okay, so uhhh...". I spilled coffee on myself and others, then feeling sticky and sad I snuck out of work to eat some Bi Bim Bap (comfort food) and promptly dropped some kimchi on my coffee stained-shirt.

Soon after one 'adorable' little boy told me I was gross after seeing my stains. I couldn't fault 'Tom' though, as his English had gotten 'gooder' since I last saw him.

Oh yeah, on Tuesday I thought a bank machine ate my money (the screen started flashing red and shot my card back out to me with a receipt that I assumed said it gave me my money). After checking the last receipt in my wallet and concluding that I couldn't possibly have taken out more money since then, I freaked out and had Blake call the bank to explain my dilemma. Moments later some little Korean man was standing next to me (I think he lives inside the bank machines for such emergencies) and after a quick phone call he explained to me in broken annoyed English that I had indeed withdrawn more money a few days prior (I had suddenly recalled this without his help) and went on to tell me the exact time, place, and amount. At first I was worried he thought I was trying to rip off the bank - but his eyes clearly said "I guess stupid comes in all colors". It sure as hell does!

Went out with my work last night and had that 'entire-chicken-in-a-bowl' soup and after bidding them all a good night spent the next 4 hours drinking beer in front of the convenience store at the bottom of my building with several other foreigners. One guy was from California another from Scotland, a couple from New Zealand and lots of Canadians. I guess this happens a fair bit in the summer. Everyday I'm told.

Tonight is a co-workers birthday (Blake) so I am going out with her and her friends to eat some chicken and drink lots of booze. The next day I am going with them to a baseball game where you are encouraged to bring lots of booze. Sunday I am attending a Korean wedding (always a bridesmaid, never the bride!) for my works secretary. I assume I should bring a classy liquor to sip on during the special vows.

Next week Kevin and I go to the DMZ! (Dangerous Machine-gun Zone)

8 more months left - but can my liver handle it?

Week 14?

2007-04-15T22:49:00.000-04:00

Its Monday afternoon here in rainy South Korea. Its been raining off and on for the past few days which leads me to believe that we are heading into the rainy season. Oh well, all the more reason for me to stay inside and sleep!

Friday night I went out after work with a Korean co-worker named Terry. He's a really nice guy who has lived in Australia for 10 years so his English is better than mine (or maybe hes just more confident using it).

Anyways we ended up meeting four of our other Korean coworkers at some eel restaurant. In the cab on the way over we were stuck in traffic on this impossible small '2-lane' road - which was actually smaller than a 1-lane road back home. Cars were bascially scraping against the cement walls surrounding us and on top of that we were going down a hill while others were going up. A full city bus was also making its way up! Crazy.

At the restaurant each 'table' was in an individual tent on the roof of the place so we had to look in a bunch of 'curtain's to see where they were. After we found the women Terry ordered some SoJu and we began to drink. The eel was freshly killed, and I mean just killed. It was really thick and when you poked it with your chopstick it started wiggling angrily and twisting all around - people said it was their nerves, but after one large piece 'looked' directly at me and twisted itself inside out - I think otherwise. Stupid scary possessed eel. I still ate it because I was hungry but wasn't impressed. You eat it after wrapping it in a peice of lettuce and dunking it in hot sauce. Terry said he would take me out for 'dog' sometime. Sounds grrrrrrreat! Ha ha ha?

After that we ended up at some restaurant/bar near my place and drank some rice wine. It came in a busted up looking kettle and was cheap - so we had lots. The place was relatively empty save for the 13 South Korean soldiers (in full uniform) who were drinking next to us. At about 1am as we were leaving Terry walked up to the soldiers and bought them a round. Next thing I know we are drinking with them and stumbling out on to the street an hour later. Naturally, I had forgotten my camera but the memory of these guys bear-hugging me and saying, "I like you" is enough.

Saturday morning I woke up throughly hung-over and was surprised to see myself in full Korean uniform! No, I was just hungover. Since the best remedy for a hangover is a hot shower I had naked fun spa time with Kevin and after some food at a grill house we went to some bar that a couple of his friends were at.

Sunday morning I woke up throughly hungover and was surprised to see myself wearing Kevin's friends clothes, no, Sunday I met up with Kevin and we went to the International Market to look around. I'll go back again this week since there is a fair bit of black market stuff, and hopefully get some jeans, shoes, etc. - well basically a new wardrobe.

So thats that. Now I'm back to work.

Go-Carting for a dollar!

2007-04-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

The go-carts I told you all about last week!

What I had for dinner tonight! I actually managed to use the phrase "This was a very good meal" in my garbled Korean. The woman replied, "I'm surprised you ate it all" in perfect English.

Blake on her Go-Cart!

Hi.

Tomorrows Friday! Its been a relatively normal week. Good weather here, pretty much sunny the entire time.

Nothing really new to talk about so I am just going to post some pictures.

Every English school has their own fleet of buses. Actually, every private school has their own buses as well (Tae Kwan Do, Math, etc.) If you don't have your own buses don't come to Korea okay? I said Okay?!

Today was my 'hell-day' so I came prepared for once in my life. For my one especially crazy class with 12 low-level high-energy students (coupled with a even lower-level teacher!) I brought pennies from Canada and explained in a very matter-of-fact voice that they were very valuable. It worked like I assumed - everytime any one of them acted up I simply stuck my hand in my pocket and shook the coins loudly (whilst playing a quick game of pocket pool!). Needless to say, they remained controlled, quiet, and attentive for most of the hour and it only cost me 12 cents. Hopefully it will work for 9 more months.

This is Grace. She is in another crazy class and is definitely the craziest one. She is a loud drama queen and the one who imitates me the best (she puts her hand in a fey gesture and says 'guys guys c'mon guys?' with my trademark high-pitched voice). She is also my favorite and I get very angry if any kid insults her (she usually just stares at them and glances over to me, as if to say, "what are you waiting for?". At this exact instant the 11 other kids were hiding and screaming under their desks as they didn't want their photos taken.

My morning class (Max, Selina, and Baby-Bird) was going fine until Baby-bird accidentally hit Max in the eye with a small book. Though it was obviously an accident (and I saw the whole thing) I tried to downplay it as Max is the one who was in the mental hospital only a couple of months ago. He didn't cry - but he didn't really react either; he just started to rub his eyes (even though only one got nicked) obsessively for about 7 minutes. It was scary.

Max is the cute one next to the crazy looking white guy. Baby-Bird is the worried looking one on the far left and Selina is the unimpressed-looking one.

I finally convinced Max to follow me into the hallway where I put a bit of cold water (on a tissue) so he could use that instead of his dirty fingers. Thankfully his mom was not hovering around outside like she does every week or she would have gone nuts (like mother, like son). Anyways, long story short Max started mumbling things in Korean and grinning wildly (he has 5 silver teeth!) for several minutes so I ended class early and gave Baby-Bird a head start out. I guess Max told his mom right after that Baby-Bird had attacked him and that I had basically cheered him on (when I first taught Max he told his mom that I made him memorise an entire book). Naturally his mother believed Max and has withdrawn him from our school. He will not be missed (he has also done this 4 times before I'm told).

These are warning posters in my school's elevators. They always amuse me. Maybe because the people look bad enough to have been drawn by me or maybe because Koreans love to use animals as their models. What would the captions be?

Bottom Left picture - "ha ha! He rushed to leave and now hes bloody, dead, and in hell!"

Bottom-Right picture: "Hurry everyone! Fire! Run up the stairs stupid! Up!"

So thats that. Its the weekend soon!

Very short video.

Dreaming of Jagalchi

2007-04-08T10:32:00.000-04:00

Did I ever mention how Korea doesn't believe in the fine art of Copyright?
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Lawsuit!

My weekend in a nutshell (no nut to taste, just the shell to give you an idea).

Friday night - ate pizza and drank beer with Kevin.

Saturday - relaxed all morning and went to Haeundae Aquarium in the evening with Kevin. My camera died while we were in there so I didn't get to take any pictures - I will another time. Kevin felt quite sick while we were there so he took off soon after (he said it was a fever, but I think he just wanted an excuse to go to McDonalds -which we did). He went home and I had naked fun spa time by myself. Except it wasn't much fun. But I was naked. It was a spa I hadn't been to yet, and I won't go back - it was kinda gross. Watched the movie Wallace and Gromit - check it out, very funny. Watched it naked (made it funnier).

Sunday - After exercising went off to Koreas largest fish market Jagalchi and walked around all day. Instead of putting all the pictures I took on the blog I quickly made this little video. The guys lying on the ground are homeless people who apparently can't use their legs (their like little mermaids!), hence why they are dragging themselves across the fish-gutted ground on little wheels (you'll see them in the video). The pictures aren't very good quality because I don't think the people were too crazy about me taking tourist shots of them. Most of the time I was pretending to adjust the camera and would run off after stealing the shot.

The other pictures are from the International Market which is in the same area as the fish market. This is the spot where you can get everything from Indian Saris to knock-off designer purses to American products extremely hard to find in Korea. By the time I got there they were closing down for the day, so I'll go back again another time.

CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO ENLARGE THEM!

Not crowded - this isn't even the packed maze-like area of the International market.

As I've mentioned, the whole area is like a maze - each person running their own little shop. Certain 'areas' only sell certain items. There may be 4 - 5 stores right next to one another all selling the exact same crap - uh I mean, stuff.

Shoes (this was one of many - picture doesn't do it justice)

Hats

Tools

In an area where you can BARELY move - again, if this picture had been taken a few hours earlier you wouldn't have seen the ground because of all the people - there is always those few (you'll nearly get hit by about 2 dozen in any given hour) that squeeze their motorbikes through a walkway maybe 5 feet across.

A main road - The Pusan International Film Festival is nearby.

Lots of stores look like this guys - they pack their products from floor to 'ceiling', leaving no room to maneuver. No room. Lots of the time there are bottles of booze leaning dangerously from the top of some pile of candy. The pictures say it all.

Its like Jenga!

Turn around you shy bastard!

Booze!

Peppers anyone?

Kimchi!

I - I - love you.

Its Thursday!

2007-04-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am still alive.
This is the picture I am using to show Korean stylists not to cut my throat or give me the 'dreamy Korean Popstar cut'. I photoshopped my zits away but couldn't figure out how to hide the oily skin and the James van der Beek forehead! I also didn't smile in this one because I wanted to be like everyone else who takes 'serious' shots for once okay?

So I don't update this blog much! I don't make sweet love very often either but I don't get harassed over that like I do with this blog!

I get insulted instead!

For those of you who check my blog regularly in the hopes that I've finally gotten a life (dad), or gotten laid (mom), or grown a gut (craig) - only to be disappointed and angered that aside from still being thrilled at finding American products (Nutella!), that my blog is still several days old I suggest you click on the little button thats called an WIZZ RSS feed - but don't ask me how to do it, I just know they exist. Basically it'll tell you whether or not I've updated without you having to check every couple days. Its an orange button...and thus the extent of my knowledge of the RSS feed.

Walked by this place...

An old Korean man said it was 'pig' but to me it looks like its 'dog'! All restaurants have a picture of the animal (usually looking happy and/or wearing a hat) that they serve, so wouldn't that mean?...

Uh...whats new since last post?...um...prepare. to. be. Bored!

Every month we are given a new schedule where our 25 or so different classes are rearranged amongst the teachers. Usually they try to give us generally the same kids but thanks to my whining I currently don't have to teach the "No! No!" pencil-throwing kid and the scissor fighting kid(s). So thats nice. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the classes aren't bad - some kids are great, really friendly and smart - a few are douchebags that won't amount to anything more than well, douches!

These kids can get tiresome but are not douchebags - this picture was taken before the other 10 arrived so I quickly stole a shot of these 2- camera died right after.

Thursdays are hell days. Again, I know there are literally over 1 billion people at any given second around the world who would consider it the lottery to be where I am, I know that - but that doesn't take away my right to bitch! So again I stress, this month Thursdays are like using school toilet paper - its rough but tolerable at the beginning - quite painful during - raw and numb at the end.

My morning class begins with 3 students - one is the little boy who was in a mental hospital for a bit (Max) who knows me well and is kinda controllable, another is a sweet little girl who smiles at me with big eyes that say "Shhh I understand white man", the last is a boy who demands to be called "Baby Bird" who perches on the desk. Tolerable.

I sometimes feel like I'm in One flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, I'm not Nurse Ratched like you would assume - I'm one of the patients...probably Cheswick.

Cheswick!

3 of the other classes had me walking in and groaning aloud "ohhhhhh no, not you guys again" (since I didn't know who it would be). Don't worry they couldn't hear me bemoaning my fate as they were too busy throwing stuff out the window or screeching whilst calling me "Candy". I tried to drag one kid out of the room today but was so tired from a morning workout that I was unable to. The class of 12 (this is the one with the unwilling-to-accept-that-I-don't-speak-Korean 'fish-eyes') were surprised that the 26-year old (28 in Korea) could not break the grip of the 7-year old boy Frank. I gave up and let him crawl back under the desk and kept his yellow highlighter for myself. 50 minutes later, bruised and bloodied on the ground (insert prostitute joke) the kids ran out triumphant whilst I lay on the floor with my eyes closed, ready to "go gentle into that good night" but then I heard a weird noise and some grunts and opened my eyes. It was young fish-eyes (her name is Sera) cleaning the board for me and she was grunting because she couldn't reach very high.

Alright God, I hear you.

That was my 2nd class - my 3rd and 4th classes - well, nobody offered to clean the board for me, but I remained in one piece, so I was successful.

My last class was 4 nice kids so I just enjoyed spending an hour with them - I didn't even really mind having to pay 6,000 won for the crappy piece of "beef" I had ordered to eat during my prep period right after...sure it tasted like it should cost less than a dollar, but at least its not sorghum.

I have submitted mine and Kevins passport numbers and other info. to the USO office in Seoul which handles tours of the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone). I wanted to go this weekend, but the earliest available date wasn't until the end of the month. I was sent a whole bunch of info. about what we aren't allowed to wear and stuff though, so thats pretty nuts. I'll talk about that more later in the month.

This is from a local place where the beer comes in this 'keg'

It's the weekend!

That girls got a mustache!

2007-04-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

Cherry Blossoms near my place. They smell nice.

Railroad Crossings look weird here.

Hi all,

Uneventful weekend, as usual. I get balder as my palms get hairier.

Friday night I stayed in as I was still recovering from Thursday. I almost broke my baby finger after participating in one of the many group-hugs - I kind of remember mashing it up against someone after singing Karma Chameleon. The next day I couldn't bend it and it was quite swollen (but I kept poking at it anyways).

Reminds me of puberty days!

My fingers looked even uglier! The swollen one is on the bottom.

Saturday I went out with my cousins old Korean friend and saw this weird movie called "Perfume" about a guy born with a super-sensitive sense of smell. Its worth checking out, but its long. Korean theaters have assigned seating which I thought was a great idea until you notice how many people mistake their seats and will start to argue with you (even after you show them your ticket), or you have the people who can't find their seats in the pitch black (my mom couldn't find me in the light at the theaters in Canada so she would be sunk here). Went out for a beer after. Oh, I also got my haircut and really felt like a fat little baby. One, I don't know if you feel the same, but whenever I stare at myself in the mirror while getting my haircut I really scrutinize everything about my face. It almost always boils down to me having fat pockmarked cheeks. Add to that my Korean friend explaining to the suave Korean stylist what I wanted (he could not hide his distaste) and me not understanding a word - I felt like a baby. But the cut was only $10 so I was a happy baby (I shat myself to prove it).

Typical Korean Menu - even if you can read Hangul you still don't know what you are ordering!

This is Bi Bim Bap - something easy to order and every place has. I already stirred it but usually it has an egg on top! You always get the side dishes (at the top) and some soupy broth.

There was also lots of that yellow dust (from China) around that is bad for the lungs, thus many Koreans don those face masks like everyone wore in the movie Outbreak (or the few wieners in Toronto who insisted on wearing one during the SARS 'scare'). Stefanie, I'm talking about you.

Though it looks like smog, its some yellow crap that smells like metal.

One funny thing happened at work today, in one of my later classes we were trying to create sentences out of the word "originally". One boy, whom recently had his cast removed after breaking his arm (like many kids he was hit by a car) noticed he had arm hair which he didn't have before. So Khan (his name) made the sentence:

"Khan has arm hair where originally there was none."

The girls were pretty disgusted at his having arm hair so I excitedly explained to them how many women have arm hair - and how some (I leaned in and widened my eyes for extra effect) even have lady mustaches! I then drew a picture of a lady with a mustache (with Korean eyes for familiarity) and after turning around to bask in my students love noticed that the sweet incredibly quiet girl, who I forgot also had a lady moustache was now bright red and very un-discreetly hiding her 'Walt Disney' stache'. Thankfully, I changed the subject fast enough so that none of the kids caught on. Teachers can be so cruel!

So I guess the moral of the story is, lady mustaches are funny regardless of where you find yourself in life.

Sunday I just walked around and generally did a whole lotta nothing.

These cool things entertain the kids while the parents are shopping, they totally beat our crappy little "space-ship" rides outside Zellers (where my mom bought my clothes throughout high school). They are actual go-carts that move pretty fast.

They each cost about 25 cents to ride for a minute or two - I will ride on one next time I go down to that area.

Woman who didn't want me to take her picture of her little store on a motorcycle. I discreetly took the photo and then ran away. I should've paid a dollar on one of those little bumper cars and just knocked her over.

Bueller? Bueller?

2007-03-29T22:05:00.000-04:00

Apparently every month our work goes out for dinner and gets drunk. Last night was that night. We were celebrating the head teachers birthday and she had chosen some raw fish place. Now when they say raw fish they don't mean sushi or sashimi - they mean that it was taken from the sea a few hours before - kept in a large tank with other unidentifiable fish (Korea isn't all about eating salmon and cod, these are freaky looking monster-fish). They are then pulled from this large tank (which you pass by when you enter) gutted and thrown prettily on a large plate seconds later. The 'appetizers' were several small plates of 'fish'. They all tasted disgusting (but were very colorful) and once in my mouth felt like, uh....whats a good description?...barf perhaps? No, its like when you eat some fat on a piece of steak - but imagine it was like a large chunk of fat, but sea-tasting, slippery and shiny. And some parts were really tough to chew while other spots (just centimeters away) were almost liquid. I did have real oysters though (compared to the canned version) so that was almost tasty. They ordered 1 or 2 fish to be grilled (for the weak like me) but when they brought them out they still had their heads so I just picked at it (and whispered to it how I was sorry).

Thankfully there was lots of peer pressure to drink the SoJu-shot-in-a-beer going around so the taste of the sea slowly died along with my liver.

As the night progressed a couple of the Korean teachers were stumbling around and near passing out (dessert!). No, no - I was the one stumbling around - or it was everyone else stumbling around and I was the one not swaying. Anyways, I had eaten a large meal right before we went out so the SoJu and beer didn't kill me right away. It just took away some inhibitions so when I was asked to sing some Britney Spears I gladly did so. This time around I flexed my 'muscles' occasionally while I serenaded the drunk Koreans so I could get a cheer and feel like a big man (who sits down when he pees).

Next thing I know we are stumbling off to a Norebahng to sing some Karaoke. They have a bunch of rooms which are pretty large and have wrap around sofas. In the middle there is a gigantic table - on which sat about 50 large bottles of Korean beer (Hite!). There is a super large TV screen at the front that shows the words as you are supposed to sing them - for some reason there was a video of a Korean man singing that never left. it just made the night all the more strange.

So we drank lots more and I kind of recall singing a Stevie Wonder song (I just called to say I love you) with a new male co-worker named Terry (who could actually sing) and some other song (again with Terry) that had almost everyone (about 18 people or so) surrounding us while we sang and danced. It was very much like that part in Ferris Buellers Day Off when he sang Twist and Shout on the large float. I kept trying to find that song after but couldn't as I was often pulled up to sing some Korean duet - since it was in Korean though I just hummed along and shook my ass to draw attention away from my voice.

It worked!

Suddenly its morning, my morning breath smells like my tongue died overnight and quickly rotted. My baby finger is swollen and feels almost broken (it isn't mom so unpack the bags and put the emergency 'milk' back in the fridge). All in all though I survived.

Heres a video. I think it speaks for itself. I would've filmed more but as I've mentioned I'm an idiot and assumed that batteries were charged.

And yes, you have to chew them really well or they'll stick to your tongue (like they did to the plate and the table if you dropped them like I did)

With a little help from Kevin

2007-03-28T20:45:00.000-04:00

Wow, just goes to show what a little effort can do! Kevin, unimpressed with my non-ability to make myself into a convincing Klingon, went and did it for me.

Kevin's version.

My shitty diseased skinned version.

uh....Wednesday! (over the hump!)

2007-03-28T07:32:00.000-04:00

What can I say other than its the middle of the week and Friday is fast approaching?

I've finally learned the Korean alphabet Hangul. "Created" by King Sejong (aka- Sejong the Great) in the Joseon Dynasty the alphabet is remarkably easy to learn as it is completely phonetic. In fact, King Sejong was so proud of the alphabets simplicity that he often boasted that a clever person could learn hangul in a morning, and even a foolish person could understand it after only 10 days of study!

It took me 3 months and 1 week! What do you say to that King? Oh wait...nothing! Because your dead!

In other news, the one Korean food I can order thanks to its easy name (Bi Bim Bap) is making me fat. It is cheap, readily available and from sitting down at your table to paying for your bill usually takes all of 5 minutes (for those of us who don't bother chewing). Basically it consists of some vegetables with a fried egg slapped on top and slathered with red pepper paste (Korea's equivalent to Mayonnaise) chucked on lots of rice. And rice is in EVERYTHING here. And it goes right to my love handles.

When I was in Toronto and doing a whole lotta nothing with my life (from graduation onwards) I started eating Sushi and Thai food so I would feel more like a Renaissance Man...but instead of feeling worldly, the rice and Tim Hortons (oh how I miss thee) just helped me transform faster into the fat caffeinated pig I was on the short road to becoming (go on Craig, you can sing 'Life is a Highway' now). And it wasn't fat in the the "My how you've CHANGED would you like another donut?!" kind of fat, I really just grew squishy handlebars for those select people to hold onto while riding me like a bicycle when I need to be reminded who my boss(es) were during my short stay on this spinning ball of melting ice.

I had a rough day today - sure I wasn't battling against the corruption of a murderous government headed by a tyrannical leader, and I had all the Bi Bim Bap I could eat- so hunger wasn't an issue, but a few kids screamed a lot- and that made me long for my tranquil days in the Sudan until a kid would slap me out of it and demand to go to the washroom for the 7th time.

But unlike the boy ("No! No! No!" kid) who ate some weird thing he found on the ground and felt ill soon after, I do have my health - and for that I am thankful.

Tomorrow after work we are going out for one of our monthly dinners where we must drink lots of SoJu or risk shame and exile (geek moment! Its very similar to a Star Trek: the Next Generation Episode where the Klingons all ritually turn their backs on a person). We have to eat lots of raw fish (not Sushi) which I'm not crazy about as I'm always worried about finding myself doing a number 3 endlessly on the can or the floor because of food poisoning (read the X-mas blog).

This weekend I may be going to a themed bar. The crafty Korean who thought of it knew he had to do something special to ensure the survival of his business (considering every establishment here also doubles as a bar) so instead of using more garish neon lights he found the next best attraction: Everything Hitler!

Apparently his whole operation is about the crazy adventures of old Adolf - with memorabilia, pictures, music. I heard its called simply, Hitler Bar.

Seig Hell Yeah!

Lost in Yeongdo-Gu

2007-03-25T06:18:00.000-04:00

The murderous Mayor of Yeongdo-Gu - Euh Yoon-Tae

Not a terribly exciting weekend but still don't want it to be Monday tomorrow.

On Friday I heard that a huge US aircraft carrier had docked in the Busan Station area and spat out its 5,000+ horny, testosterone-fueled US soldiers onto the virginal face of Busan for the next week. Apparently last year when the ship was docked every bar was crammed and there were fights left, right, and center. Not that I go to the bars much anyways but it ensured that me and Kevin's date night would remain even more low-key than normal (we grabbed a pizza, some beer and watched a movie). It still got violent though as pizza makes Kevin aggressive, like a shark to blood Kevin always wants more pepperoni (insert joke about repressed man-love)

Saturday came and went. Nothing new.

Today I took the hour-long subway journey into the Busan Docks area as I wanted to go and take a picture of the aircraft carrier being the nerd I am. Trying to stay close to the docks and having no real clue where I was walking I ended up crossing some bridge and walking in the complete opposite direction from the International Market where I had also wanted to stop and look around. I was still near the water though so I figured if I kept walking that eventually I'd have a better chance at seeing the carrier anchored a long ways off. Nope!

Walking into Yeongdo-Gu over the Busan Grand Bridge (orange thing on the right) and still not putting together that I was leaving the "mainland".

Close-up of the closest thing I got to a ship.

Knowing I was lost I kept walking anyways assuming that I would eventually walk by a subway. Sure, I was on an island at this point but for some reason I'd convinced myself that there would be a subway anyways.

Stores hire these singing/dancing girls all the time to advertise their store. I walked by them when I first got lost and they were still dancing when I stumbled back 6 hours later. They are stronger than me (and look better in skirts)

Cherry Blossoms - they don't taste like cherries.

Long story short - I didn't see any aircraft carrier. I kept walking though because I was lost and it was such a nice day (nearly 20 degrees)...but after about 3 hours my feet hurt and I was hungry. I didn't want to turn around and walk back my same route again but the area was getting even more residential and there were hills everywhere, so like a degenerate gambler I finally cut my losses and began the long journey back the same way I came in but sweatier, hungrier, and without the whole reason why I came in the first place .

Islands off in the distance that you've seen from other photos, but from the other side and much closer (I can't explain it well so just shut the hell up okay? Okay!)

More cherry blossoms! Apparently the Koreans don't like them as they are too 'Japanese'.

My view walking. These houses are all almost on top of one another and snake up the side of the mountain.

When I came home and looked online where I actually went it turns out the 'island' is a tourist attraction and a completely separate "Gu" from mine. I live in Haeundae-Gu, and this place was called Yeongdo-Gu. It had natural hot springs (didn't find it) a pebble beach (where?!) and some restaurants (and I ate from that garbage?!)

The Map of my area. I added my own stuff. I live off in the upper right hand corner.

So that was my Sunday.

The island I was on is barely visible off in the far distance (taken from Jangsan Mountain last week)

This link is from the islands website. I kind of followed its path.
http://english.yeongdo.go.kr/culture_tourism/07_02.asp

Borka - Video

2007-03-23T00:30:00.000-04:00

This is a video posted on YouTube all about the crazy older woman we know as 'Borka'. Only people from Oakville will really understand this - but the woman is 100% authentic and has been in almost every car in Oakville. With me I was often ordered to take her to "Ford" (meaning the Ford Auto Plant). Everybody in Oakville, young and old knows of the legend of Borka, it is why every person in Oakville usually locks their car doors.

Good job whoever made this.

Go to hell!

2007-03-22T07:26:00.000-04:00

Hi!

So as I've mentioned before, if nothing has happened during the week then I don't bother to update this blog. But since its been 4 days, I thought I'd say a quick hello and keep you updated on the situation here in sunny South Korea (todays temperature was sunny and warm).

Works how it always is. The days where I walk in determined not to let the screaming kids get to me always have the reverse effect, with the kids determined to get to me. But as long as one of us is succeeding then all is not lost. And the other days where I start in a panic end up going well, with me usually getting candy (or half eaten stuff like chips and energy drinks).

For the older students I really do need to do some actual research outside of work so that I have some fun activities for them to work on, rather than just rehash the chapter of the book that they've been forced to take apart for the whole week until the students are hand-me-down'd to me. I am the hyena of the ESL world.

Haven't done much at night either. Even though I live in a building crawling with Korean 'escorts' and I've broad-casted my apartment number more than once, I always end up all alone at the end of the night eating spaghetti or some peanut-butter and banana sandwiches I've whipped up alone.

I've figured out how to download movies, so thats all good for those lonely peanut butter and banana nights. Don't have any plans for the weekend yet, but I really would like to take the overnight train into Seoul to see the DMZ some Saturday soon. And of course, there is always the weekend jump into the crazy pantie-fascinated country of Japan.

Saving money here is a lot harder than people told me it would be. Food is pretty expensive with a grapefruit often going for more than $2 - eating out isn't always an option as the meals are usually just a mixture of red pepper paste and rice, with one or two other things thrown in for color and variety. I don't go out much and I am barely... BARELY saving half my paycheck.

See I told you this blog would be boring! Well you can just go to hell!

Climbing to the top of Mount Jirisan and living to tell about it.

2007-03-18T07:18:00.000-04:00

I wanted to do this blog with a whole Karate Kid tie-in, with me playing Daniel LaRusso (aka- the Karate Kid/Ralph Macchio) and the mountain being wise Mr. Miyagi. I even wasted an hour trying to paste my head onto the Karate Kids body - but to no avail. I even forgot why I was going to do it in the first place - most likely some kind of moral to run through the entire story - but seeing as my computer was being a dick with the cut and paste my head program I gave up on it. Hows that for a moral.

So I'll just highlight quickly (sleepy Ken!) what I actually did during my "climb Mount Jirisan" weekend.

Not Mount Jirisan.

For one, I didn't climb any mountains.

But first - We left pretty early Saturday morning - I had to get up at 6am and was not impressed at all. I met up with Blake (girl I work with at GnB) and some other of her friends who live nearby.

Blake and I. She's eating a smore.

Almost all of us had been recruited to South Korea by a really good, well recruiter named Amy Lee from kimnjoe.com (for anybody considering coming to South Korea...grandma?).

Amy Lee and I - giggidy!

Since there were 6 of us we split up and took 2 cabs to get to the place where everyone was meeting. My cabby had decided to give us my then-most terrifying taxi ride yet (very nauseating too) through small side streets at top speed - confident that he was taking us to the correct spot. Eventually it dawned on us (as we headed away from downtown) that he had not understood the English word 'subway' and was taking us to a 'train' station instead - at the last fork in the road where we would go horrible off course, our charades and sound effects mimicking a subway having failed miserably I suddenly recalled the Korean name for subway that I had just learned 2 days prior (the word is pronounced Gee-a-chul). I was eager to impress Blakes friends sitting in the backseat so I could call them my friends too.

You see, to everybody else it was St.Patrick's Day...the day to drink and be merry- but to me it St.Friendship day...the day to befriend and be loved.

Our bus. Uh...it was comfortable?

So we met up with everyone else - quick introductions - blah blah blah - bus-ride out of Busan blah blah blah - watched The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift and though it blew harder than my older brother Craig trying to score the donuts they throw out nightly at Tim Hortons - I was still very disappointed that I didn't get to see the ending when the DVD started to skip.

Our first stop - unbeknownst to us until we arrived - was some old style royal persons home (not palatial in size, but covering lots of ground) with a windmill and several different buildings. Very old Korean, and cool to see.

The scenery around was beautiful but as no one offered to take my picture (the 12 old Korean people preferred to watch me instead) use the old arm stretched out technique (or set the timer on my camera and run back alone to the desired spot).

I don't know why I took this photo. The little hut was unimpressive, but I am impressed with my blue eyes.

Later on I saw a costumed man in a beard and was going to shyly ask for a picture with him but the next thing I know hes ushered me inside some small room and begun preparations for some ancient tea ceremony. After turning off the electric kettle nearby he pulled some green tea out of an Emart box and placed some in a little teapot. He adjusted his glued on beard and waited for the tea to stew. Neither of us said a word. I told him his traditional Korean Hanbok was pretty. It somehow got even quieter after that

Very uncomfortable and eager to please I tried to engage him in some small talk - but he just kept saying "yes, yes" over and over again (which seems to be the universal response for 'I don't understand you and now we both feel awkward, nice job.') Eventually others from my tour group passed by and seeing as they were white he would suddenly break character (and develop English skills!) yelling loudly "get in here!" to them. So we had ourselves a little tea ceremony.

It looks like I'm saying in a very superior way, "No I did not just break wind, its the tea that smells funny actually."

Before I left I quietly asked him if the tea, aside from its hundreds of health benefits would also aid me in my quest for some friends. He affirmed this in his gruff Korean way by only saying, "yes, yes".

This was the first time I met the 2 Korean girls. In fact, I didn't even know they were on the trip with us until we got back on the bus and they followed.

After an hour or two longer on on the bus - with the occasional rest stop (where all you could buy to eat was small potatoes in a paper cup for some reason) I was informed that our next stop would be the International Wildflower Festival. Hurrah. I saw some violet weeds. A few guys and I (my new gang if I may be so bold) went around to look for a bathroom. We eventually found one, or someplace that was supposed to be one. Nothing like 4 guys peeing communally to solidify friendships.

Yeah - you try aiming perfectly as you can see its impossible.

It was when walking quickly back to the bus (we could hear Simpson banging his stick indicating that he wanted us to hurry) when one of my BFF's (Best Friends Forever) informed me that we wouldn't be climbing Jirisan mountain at all, as it would take 3 days just to make it worthwhile. Dammit. By the way, Simpson is Amy Lee's boss at the recruiting place - he was the one who picked me up at the airport when I first arrived.

A drunk guy nobody knew in our tour group almost threw poor Simpsons stick into a fire after Simpson went to sleep.

So off we went to some temple where the walk up to it took about 40 minutes and after staying all of 10 minutes Simpson declared that we had to hurry and go. I thought it was to get to another place before the sun went down, but someone (another BFF) explained that Simpson wanted to start drinking.

Lots of renovations.

So after unloading lots of beer I explored some of the cabins. The family who owns the property (they've had it for 300 years) rents it out for tourists and getaways and mass suicides and stuff.

The father/owner was ready to kill his poor wife because he felt that none of the pictures did him justice. This was the 7th shot, and since I saw her alive the next day I assume he was satisfied and only made her sleep with the chickens.

Stupid little girl, I should have hit her a few more times the way the father showed me.

Blakes large group of friends took over the largest cabin as everyone else was either on their own or in a couple. I like trying to sleep with couples in these situations because you can sandwich yourself in between them and refuse to feel like a 3rd wheel (think of it more as a kickstand). But since everyone was sleeping on the floor (heated of course, with blankets) and considering the one group of friends was so large, there ended up being no room for yours truly - so I made the never-wise decision to figure out where to sleep when I would cross that bridge much later for 'the less sober the less picky' I would be (as previous sleepovers have shown).

Some people outside- it was rainy.

Korean girls who were also with us on trip. Me rikey vely much!

After some drinking games, food, and a good time I found myself stumbling into one of the smaller cabins and lying directly onto the superheated floor in the corner by the door, for it was so dark and cramped with 4 other people that I had no hope in locating the one blanket and pillow I knew sat over the head of a rather large and loud snorer. I lay in the fetal position and waited for the sweet bliss of passing out to help me get some sleep.

Drinking game where you flip cups. I think it was fun.

Sleep did not come. The guy snored and groaned and farted, people moved around, dogs barked, and oh yes - I forgot to mention that somewhere on the property the family keeps a senile rooster that "cock-a-doodle-doo'd" every 30 minutes or so. Angry that I was shoved into the corner I partook in the only revenge I knew how. I farted a few times loudly - juvenile, but it made me feel better even if I was the only one who heard it. Well me and the Korean woman lying right next to me who aside from being directly near my butt and awake as well, also received 2 swift kicks to the head in the middle of the night (again by yours truly) the few times I did actually fall asleep. She informed me of my night noises the next day while I was insulting the large guy about his snoring (who in turn blamed me, then his wife, then the girl who I farted on)

Poo humor (I don't think its the poo jokes that get old, but rather the listener who forgets that to not find poo funny is to be old).

After downing 3 instant coffees the next day and embarrassed at my gassy nature I retreated to my cabins washroom to think. Always fascinated by buttons and impressed that this particular toilet seemed to be half robot judging by the automated armrest attached to it I got up and pressed some buttons to see what would happen. As luck would have it the buttons were completely in Korean so it was no surprise that after pressing one button I hit the one that translated to: "power clean anus with tepid jet water" - soaking the floor and my socks, but amusing me highly (yes I did sit on it after the initial test run).

We cleaned up the mess we made and gathered the 200 or so bottles and got on the bus around noon. We spent an hour at some weird festival where I used my camera to record a small bit with 2 transvestite Korean men singing songs and I saw a bullcow (I don't know what it was its the picture at the top). Lots of traffic later I got home. Well not until we took a taxi back who went 130km/h the entire way - the beeping from his cars automated "slow the #$%& down" rang the whole time.

More little stories happened but I'm tired and have to post a bunch of photos (20 of the 70 I took). I have to figure out how to actually post pictures on other websites (like Photobucket or Flickr). Anyways, more to come.

2nd weakest blog ever!

2007-03-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

I apologize for yet another weak blog, but its pretty late here and I have to get up crazy early tomorrow as I'm going on some kind of a retreat/binge drinking weekend starting on Saturday.

The problem with posting with the frequency I do is twofold. Either I have to have an opinion that I care to share while believing that people (my family) care to listen, or I must have an exciting story to share that will actually justify my year-long 'sabbatical' to South Korea.

So since nothing much happened, nothing was written.

White Day (the lesser practiced virginal version of Valentines day) came faster than me at a high school dance (i.e.- me at age 26 crashing a high school dance)...it seems like just yesterday was Valentines day! I purposely arrived at work early on White Day so that the candies I bought (bulk packages of Snickers) for the 14 women I work with would seem very impressive. I'm sure the occasion was made more memorable as I handed out the candy declaring that I wanted the women to think of me while they had the sweet taste in their mouth. Nothing was lost in translation, I am still the office pervert. I also have a few Snickers left over to blackmail any of the unlucky women born with with a sweet-tooth.

On the work front this week - the class with the loud tiny kids (who threw the pencils at me a few weeks ago) surprised me. After a near bloody brawl a couple days prior involving a psychotic 5 year old, a pair of rusty kids scissors and some adult Korean threats I still decided to bring scissors into the same classroom in order to 'shorten' time with an activity. Worried that the semi-retarded kid would plunge the scissors into my jugular whilst I gazed longingly out the window I constantly monitored the activity from the window outside the classroom - forgetting to actually explain the exercise. It was one of those cut and paste activities where there is a paper blueprint that you have to cut around, fold and eventually (should you be smart enough) construct a 3-dimensional cube. Figuring that the kids would be occupied for an hour I was pleasantly annoyed (no typo) that the 'special' kid was the only one to actually get his done, and in only 5 minutes. Mind you, that left 40 minutes for him to yell "no! no! no!" while threatening me with his scissors that he refused to relinquish.

Saw the movie 300 in my first Korean theater last night. Not only do you get assigned seating (in these plush seats), but the actual theater itself is so loud that your ears bleed, and the theater also seems to encourage one to buy anything they should fancy at the convenence store located next to the concession stand.

Don't bother seeing the movie, it blows harder more than my older brother at exam time.

The trip I am going on is out of Busan and takes about 2 hour + by bus. It was organized by my recruiter so about 28 other people are coming too.

I'll take some pictures and let you know how it was on Sunday.

Exciting News!

2007-03-13T11:54:00.000-04:00

Okay, 4 cool things to speak of:

1- I bought a toaster oven
2- I found the cereal Fruit Loops at a store nearby and have been eating them in the middle of the night whenever I wake up
3- I bought some cinnamon called "Saigon Cinnamon" (those goddamn Charlies never tasted so sweet)
4- I discovered that I've grown some new chest hair

the Ken who cried Mountain!

2007-03-10T22:01:00.000-05:00

Not a great deal has happened since Wednesday. At school I was loaded with classes all week because another teacher had gone on vacation to Thailand, so the week dragged by. Kids were rude to me so I tried to assign them homework as punishment but they 'didn't understand'...young kids cried, I cried - a few threw up, I threw up and finally Friday arrived...date night with Kevin! (more crying, puking, and rudeness).

We went to our regular grill-house, ate some meat that may have been the meat we ordered or more likely may not have but we paid for the more expensive one in the end like we did the week before (do you follow me?). Though I found the whole situation funny as hell, I think we'll go somewhere else next time.

This is the building I work at - GnB is the 4th floor, where all the magic happens. the building is directly across the street from my apartment. hurrah!

So Kevin went home right after and date night ended how it always does - with me at home alone stuffing my face with Pringles and chocolate trying to think of easier ways for Kevin to fully become the temporary substitute for Sophia that I need him to be.

As many of you know I am a 'talker' and not a 'walker' a really bad trait that has crossed into many areas of my life over the past few years. From 'talking' about never drinking again to 'talking' about directing film to 'talking' about becoming a 'walker' and not a 'talker' - I say it and never do it. Much like the fed-up townspeople in the classic fable 'The boy who cried Wolf' those around me just wanted me to shut up and get eaten by a rabid animal.

So something I have been 'talking' about doing over the past couple of months has been my boast that I will scale the highest mountain in Busan, the dreaded and feared Mount Jangsan.

Right outside my apartment looking towards the angry mountain

Usually the conversation about me climbing goes something like this:

Person- So what are you doing Saturday Ken?

Ken- (casually)...probably gonna pack me a lunch and feed it to Mount Jangsan.

Person- Huh?

Ken- Thats right, I'm going to climb Mount Jangsan tomorrow morning. Impressed yet?

Person- Good for you, make sure you bring lots of water.

Ken- For what?

Person- The mountain climb.

Ken- I don't follow - i just said I was going to climb the mountain.

Person- Yeah thats what I'm saying...tomorrow morning your going to climb -

Ken- (angry) Don't put words in my mouth! This conversation is over...asshole!

So long blog short I woke up earlier than I planned and ended up packing a banana, some water, and mixing together what remained in my fridge (a can of tuna and some old kimchi) before heading off. It was a colder day than usual (heavier sweatshirt as opposed to a lighter one) but I was just glad to be walking. Approaching the base of the mountain I took the wide path that was newly paved with a gentle incline assuming that it was the path to the peak. Large groups of people passed in the opposite direction as they headed away from the mountain, many with small kids in tow. I began to worry that if small children could climb this 'feared' mountain than maybe the climb wouldn't be worth it. I could just go home and look at mountains on the internet!

This is the view back on my neighborhood (facing away from the terrible mountain).

I managed to take this photo by levitating above the traffic below. It was impressive.

A Buddhist temple located near the bottom of the mountain.

I didn't get the chance to climb to the peak right away for I had taken 'the road most traveled' and ended up an hour and a half later right back to where I had started and the last place I wanted to be. Dammit I thought it looked familiar.

Metaphor anyone?

Confused, annoyed, and surprisingly tired I decided that since it would be dark soon (it was nearing 1pm) that I would call it a day and perhaps scale the mountain on Sunday.

Just as I walking dejectedly away I saw through the brush several meters away a couple of older people with their little ski poles heading up a steep slope.

This slope is actually quite steep I didn't think to level the camera, but instead just looked up. You had to lean into the path to climb it, hence why everyone save for me had little ski poles to help them.

Though Korea is usually regarded as the 'SoJu' country or the 'Kimchi' country - many forget that its also an 'old people are in good shape' country as well. Through long daily walks and weekly mountain climbs a large majority of 65+ Koreans are in great physical health. Knowing that the older people wouldn't bring along thier ski poles for no reason I deduced that they must be climbing for the peak as well. After seeing this sign, I knew where I was to go.

That Hangul at the top phonetically spells out Jang San

About 45 minutes into the climb I was dripping with sweat and winded like an asthmatic prostitute running from her pimp. The first spot I had chosen to sit at had a nice view of Busan so I sat there for a few minutes and wondered whether I should continue to climb or not. I mean, how much better could the view be?

What did I tell you? Winded like an asthmatic...

An older Korean gentlemen passing by me moments after I took this photo and using his ski pole gestured upwards saying "keep going white man, the view is better up there", or "race you to the top cracker". So I scrambled by him (pushing him down the hill in the process) and climbed for another 45 minutes or so eventually arriving at 'a' peak - enjoying the view and a job well done.

Looking down on Haeundae (Jwa Dong) the surrounding area and the coast (the East Sea)

yeah - so I wear this shirt in every photo wanna fight?

Or not done. After turning around to make my way back down I saw that I was indeed on a peak - just not the peak of Mount Jangsan. To give you an idea of where I was imagine placing a dime in front of a loonie (the loonie being the actual peak, the peak I was on as the dime).

This was taken from the actual peak looking down onto where I first thought the peak was, it is quite a distance away. I think this is the right photo.

Having gone this far I ate my kimchi/tuna mix to the delight and disgust of some nearby Koreans and kept climbing. Stopping several times to catch my breath I eventually made it to the top. Yay.

Being the highest point in the world (Busan at least), this tower means I reached the top. I am a big boy...a big boy with acne.

Look at that sweet ass...you can see the white bridge off in the distance

I need new jeans and shoes. Oh yeah, the view is nice.

Walking around the top of the peak facing in another direction (towards Seoul maybe?)

After taking some pictures I wandered further off the path, being careful not to wander too far into the active military look-out sitting behind a heavily guarded bar-wire fence nearby.

Well, I wandered into one but it didn't look very busy - I see you Japanese soldiers!

More of Busan

The peak was high enough that there was ice. I managed to slip on it.

Recalling/imagining that I'd heard a story about there being a tourist cafe on the top of Mount Jangsan (SoJu does this to a person) I wandered through a HUGE hole in the barb wire and down a road before I came across this sign.

....mines eh?...just my foot will get blown off right? Anyo Haseyo? Anyone?

Wetting myself with what remaining liquid had not been sweat out I turned around and slowly made my way back to safety.

With my legs feeling extremely jellyish I started to make my way down the mountain again with absolutely no energy left. Even though I was going down it was still really difficult as you had to slide/jump from rock to rock, or tree to tree so you wouldn't allow gravity to kill you.

I took this photo on the way up (much steeper in real life)

Resting about halfway down an older Korean man came up and said 'hello' to me. Not wanting to talk to him I just mumbled 'hello' and wished him away. But he stayed and he declared that aside from being an English teacher at the local high school that him and I were going to walk down the remaining way together and talk.

So thats what we did. Though he corrected me on my improper use of English occasionally I ended up having a nice talk with him.

After I got home I had about 5 minutes until I was to leave so Kevin and I could have some naked fun spa time!

It was in a Spa. We were Naked. And it was Fun.