I'm writing this blog for no one in particular anymore, just so you know. If we can reflect back for a moment, all the way back to when I had even less a life than I do now (yes, 'tis possible), I updated this thing constantly and obsessively didn't I? Oh, I remember purchasing cheap bottles of wine whilst in Canada, or some much cheaper soju (after settling in Korea) and just sitting. Adequate that my ass would hold me up indefinitely, I would type and edit, type and edit for hours on end, occasionally pausing to either visit an all-night convenience store in Korea for some ramen or to nip a sip or 5 from my moms sad liquor cabinet (what kind of a mother marks her liquor bottles to dissuade her 28-year old son from having a nightcap, honestly?). Eventually I'd click 'Publish Post' thereby unleashing my fears, dreams, and observations onto the busy road of the internet in the hope that some similarly lost whiner out for a drive would either get out to pet, stroke, and love me or just run me over in a way they saw fit (my Dad beeped his horn at me by calling this blog 'boring' but I survived with only a broken heart and a hangover).
According to my sitemeter, where I can monitor how many 'hits' I get like the true needy blogger I am...90% of the people who visit my blog still find me purely by accident (like a prospector to gold I says) when they've entered the words, "Korean" and "Virgin" into Google. They stay, according to my voyeuristic sitemeter, for no more than 5 seconds or so, just enough time to scan quickly through my repetitive musings (in the hopes that perhaps I'd elected to fully embrace the clever pun of the blog title by adding some boobs) before surfing right back out into the ocean of the internet, constantly aware of the flaccidity tsunami that eventually well...drains life away!
I wrote that last entry about 45 minutes ago, because since then 'The Bourne Identity' came on TV. What an awesome movie. I wish I was Jason Bourne (sans the danger, bruises, and amnesia) just another regular guy with really cool skills.
Let me think of the ways I can compare myself to Jason Bourne. Just for fun:
1- We both speak different languages. While Bourne is fluent in several handy ones, I can barely mutter myself to work (most of the time the older Korean cab drivers are curt to me, quickly breaking my paper thin defense barriers before raping and pillaging my emotions.) Only love managed to scale Jason Bournes wall.
"I love you!" is Saron-Ay-yo (by the way!)
2- Jason Bourne once explained tersely (not to me unfortunately) that he could run flat out for half a mile before his hands began to shake. I ran to Domino's pizza the other day and had to pee in a nearby bush within half a mile. I'll have you know, I didn't shake either (dribbles apparently come out easier than lost memories).
3- Neither of us know what we are meant to do, but still we try (him much harder than I) to figure it out. He is being chased by agents and villains, whilst I am being doggedly pursued by father time. Eventually he'll catch me and punish me by taking my life (or reward me for you optimists!)...he'll take you too by the way (not Jason Bourne though who will live forever in the dreams of girls and some boys)
4- He gives a female companion $10,000 for a ride to Paris in the bitter cold, while a month ago I paid w10,000 to an old Korean woman so she'd drive me home! (she was also curt and most proficient in raping and pillaging said emotions)
Gosh, I just can't pay attention tonight (its Saturday evening here, so I should be larynx deep in Hite beer by now). I've spent the past hour and a bit watching The Bourne Identity and reading this great blog about the crazy sexism that Korea is all about.
http://thegrandnarrative.wordpress.com/category/korean-sexism/
Anyways, the guy who writes it really has hit the nail on the head - from the advertising, to the workplace, to the clothing choices. I'd give it a read, it'll give you a great perspective on Korea that usually I only hear from jaded feminists (who definitely know what they're talking about, but sometimes can't be taken seriously as the huge chips on their shoulders tend to poke me in the eye). By the way, I am not talking about you Liz so put the scissors back (better make a pot of coffee just to be on the safe side!)
So anywhoo - as I try to avoid staring compulsively at the never-stopping hourglass that is my life (that's not meant to be a morbid comment, just a poor 'dust in the wind' kind of musing) I know I have to stop being such a lazy asshole.
Its not fear anymore, its just plain laziness.
I'm surprised I even wrote a blog.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Day 39 - Day 71
Living in Ulsan has not been all its cracked up to be. Though I like my workplace and a large majority of the kids, I still yearn for the weekend like a prostitute yearns for warmer weather in the dead of Winter (and a better reference letter). The only problem is that when the weekend does roll around Liz and I are either sick with colds (the children love nothing more than coughing or sneezing in your face and then requesting a hug), stuck inside due to bad weather (acid rain here hasn't helped my Phantom of the Opera-like complexion), or at a loss of what-to-do without having to end up at some bar drinking bacteria-laden draft beer hours before you have to work all day with 4 and 5 year-olds.
As well over 2 months has already shot by, I keep telling myself in the mornings to write like a fiend when I get home at night so I have something to show Spielberg and his mates when I get back to the Western world...but alas, I always find myself sitting on my couch eating leftover curry and complaining of a 'tummy ache'. This ache is either the constant physical reminder that procrastination sufferers endure, or just that my stomach can no longer handle curry twice a day...lets hope its not the latter!
Here are some pictures from the recent Halloween Day our school had:
One of my absolute favorites on the left Alice - incredibly sweet and smart.
One of my favorite classes caught off guard (I didn't yell 'cheese') Dream class.
My favorite boy in the school Justin who has gone to the Netherlands for a few months.
Liz and I after a long night of drinking...no wait....usually, I look like the witch after so this must still be at the Halloween thingy.
My 'task' for the day was selling 'Zombie Food' to the monster children. They used IPS dollars they had earned over the past couple of months (for being good, speaking English, not defecating on the floor) to buy little treats served in a fey piratish-way by moi. An autographed picture of myself was offered for 200 IPS dollars, but I had no takers.
Liz in the middle of her task, explaining that game "Witches Body" where the children close their eyes and have to touch things from the "Witches Body". I balked at this and became extremely jealous until Liz explained patiently that though she is dressed like a witch, the children would in fact be touching food hidden in a box (like spaghetti for the witches brain, carrot sticks for the witches finger, my poo for the witches poo, etc.)
In other news Liz and I get vacation soon enough and I have been trying like mad to find a good spot to tan away my paleness once again. I believe we've settled on a spot in Indonesia called Gili Air, which is just off a huge island called Lombok in Indonesia. There are 3 islands that make up the "Gilis" and this particular one would be Simon (from Alvin and the Chipmunks) as it has a higher local population (thus more culture) and seems to spend more time reading than drinking. The other two islands Gili Trawangan and Gili Meno (Alvin and Theodore respectively) can be easily reached by speedboat. I had been looking at some places in the Philippines until after further research (and Liz loudly huffing and puffing over my shoulder) I discovered that a fair number of the guests (pictured in photos from the guesthouses websites) all seemed to have Filipina hired-women on their arms. With a little more digging I also discovered that many gave advice on how to "find" these "girlfriends" and how to pick the 'right' one. I know its everywhere (sex trafficking is Korea's 3rd largest industry), but if I can avoid having to endure conversations with a few pathetic middle-aged men and their 'teen' girlfriends-for-a-day than I will. For example, apparently there is a place called "Angeles City" in the Philippines that is almost exclusively for these kinds of patrons...although I am sure from past experiences that there are also many other identical "Angeles Cities" in all the other SE-Asian countries that survive on the money from these open-walleted, 'starved' tourists.
Another couple downsides to this possible destination is that Indonesia is 8 hours flying time away (making an expensive and time consuming flight), there is a great risk for boredom once snorkeling and reading are exhausted, and the food is mainly seafood (something that I don't mind but Liz is not a big fan of). Here is a quick link about the Gilis if you care to read more:
http://wikitravel.org/en/Gili_Islands
Trying to avoid the mass drinking culture this year has also seen me take up a new past-time of doing puzzles and playing board games.
HIP.............
HIP..............
HOORAY!!!!
And the most important thing is that I'm not doing it alone! 9 1/2 more months!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Day 4 - Day 38
Hi there!
Wow, its been well over a month since I've started my 2nd tour of duty in Korea. So much for updating this damn blog everyday eh? My laziness knows no bounds, and apparently no borders!
So whats been up with me? Well, I won't bore you with going over every single detail (from eating to pooping) like I've tended to do in my previous blogs. Instead I will just bore you with a rundown of how life has been treating me here in the Asian city of Ulsan, the Hamilton of South Korea (only Southern Ontario folk will understand that comment).
The school Liz and I work at is an actual kindergarten. Its not a hagwon run by a corrupt inept Korean businessaen who'd sooner open an orphanage-for-profit than a school (for corrupt orphanages look no further than Thailand and Cambodia built for those tourists who 'need to make a difference'). As it is a real school filled to the 3rd floor (the 4th floor is a roof surrounded on every side by high-rise apartments where the students mothers can monitor us constantly) packed with the wealthy children of Ulsan raised by soccer-mom Koreans, a teacher cannot get drunk and slag off like they would in a regular English school. Here, if you don't prepare your classes, not only do you quickly sink like a rock clutching your little ones (you all go down screaming) but you must then answer to your supervisors. These 18-hour workday Koreans will slice off your balls one by one should you not know exactly how you are going to spend each and every minute with these squealing bags of money. A person from the head office in Seoul even comes down to watch your classes and rip you to pieces with advice and notes designed to make you a better teacher (something I still never plan to actually be). In short, you must prepare and you must meet their expectations.
And you know what? That's exactly what a lazy, asshole like me needs. Last year, I wasn't abusive to the students, I barely yelled and never (rarely) came in drunk...hungover is different but I blame the soju and nightly peer pressure. What I never did though, ignoring all advice (yes mom, I am referring to your back country driving) was prepare. I would come stumbling in at 2pm, barely awake (I did just live across the street from my school), smelling of sleep and an assortment of the previous nights drinks, grab the 'teaching book' from the scowling Korean teacher - grunt "what page?!" as I skulked into the classroom.
Nothing good ever came from that. But still I did it. Within months I'd realized that once Hangman was offically dead (ba dum bum), photocopying "topical" word searches was the key. If a fellow teacher had done the same word search with the same class the day prior I simply told the hateful students to do it faster and "with even more English than yesterday!". God help me if the photocopier was busted that day, and God help the students too who would than be forced to stare at me for a full hour drawing crude penis-shaped drawings on the whiteboard before angrily erasing it...mumbling aloud, "elephants trunk looks like a damn penis again...why haven't these kids learned the word penis yet?! Make my job a whole ^%$lot easier! Uh-oh teacher just had another barf burp!".
I can't do that at IPS. But even if I could, I wouldn't. Even though I never thought it would happen, I actually am enjoying teaching the little ones...and wouldn't you be surprised to know that they are in fact improving day by day? As I may have mentioned in my previous blog, oh about a month ago, I am the primary English teacher for the year 6 students. Now saying that they are a 'Year 6' doesn't mean that they are in fact 6 years old, for as I am in Korea and they consider a newborn to be a year old the minute they "fly" out of the warm amniotic nest they are only about 5 in Canada. There are about 12 to each class and they get highly offended if you don't remember their names or if you don't praise them for drawing animals multiple colors. And boy do they get annoyed if you mistake them to be a "sweet little girl" when in fact they are a "boy".
I've only managed to do this once to a little chubby-cheeked, bowlcut-haired boy (who looks like a girl) whose name is Roy. I could never understand why he kept scowling and saying what I assumed to be "I love you!" in Korean whilst crossing his arms angrily. Until one morning a few weeks ago he came in and after brushing off one of my standard, "and hows my little princess today!?" lines I turned to Liz in a huff and haugtily declared that Roy was "one angry little girl". Liz laughed and surprised me with the fact that Roy was a Boy.
Boy was I surprised!
Anyways, though the work week is long and the pressure is on from 9-5 I am having fun and making more cash than I did last year. Knowing instantly that I love nothing more than adoring fans (even ones who poop themselves once or twice a week) I have become the main person who does the "morning announcements" everyday (nobody else wanted the job anyhow). I begin each "meeting" with a long "Goooooooooood morning IPS!!" a la Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and talk slowly and clearly about everything from the weather to what movie I watched the night before and what I felt about it (teacher loved True Lies and was so surprised to see Jamie Lee Curtis was so beautiful with no clothes on!). Sometimes when another teacher is filling in, I am called in for special segments. Tomorrow for example, I must teach the kids our new Halloween song which is a modified version of Jingle Bells. Considering I often, albeit accidentally start off these modified songs about 3 octaves too high (from a rich base to a ball-crunching soprano) it usually makes for an interesting couple of minutes. Also, since we have to play some of the songs over and over again (easier if they are on a CD) I find myself singing the songs obsessively throughout the week. I've had many a teacher tell me to "shut up" because I wouldn't stop singing a famous Korean folk song called Arirang. If I ever have a movie of my life and there is a musical montage of my time in Korea, this would be the song I'd like played over it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCRR_4Gexm4 - this is a 48 second short version with words but no video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdzzzhdwcFU - this is a Korean dude playing the flute but with no words - I think it better captures the beauty of the song (yes, I am applying lipstick and ladies stockings as I say this)
By the way, Craig or Dan or Dad or Mom, can anyone guess what awesome 80's movie features this song (it is played throughout, though it changes a bit and is even hummed by one of the main characters whom I compared myself to very early on in my first couple of blogs back before I left for Korea for the first time?). Hint: who is the most awesome Korean movie character we know?
Since discipline is very important in our school I've managed to draw a good line between being a teacher and being a friend. The kids know (yet constantly 'forget') not to talk when the teacher is talking (or doodling), not to fight (action speaks louder than words I yell to encourage physical violence!), and to "sit nicely". This sit nicely thing has always cracked me up, for when the kids start crawling around (which would inevitably lead to one of them walking into a wall and crying bloody murder) all you have to do is bark, "sit nicely!" and the children will sit ramrod straight with their legs crossed and arms folded nicely on their little laps. One little boy though, a daydreaming boy named Jay who we were told to watch closely as he tends to rip his socks to bits if not monitored closely, refused to "sit nicely" one day and instead insisted on bowing like he was about to be knighted (head bowed, on one knee). I of course thought this was the funniest thing I've seen since I crapped myself a year prior, and rewarded his loyalty with a heavily-valued (and more stable currency than Canada) IPS dollar - which they collect with a rabid fervor to spend at the end of the month on a market day where I can guilt them into buying me candy.
Anyways, the class saw how I reacted to this little sock-destroying boy bowing like a brave knight and, knowing how impressionable I am, suddenly all began doing it with a gravitas usually only given to real Kings. Delighted that they would do this, I spent a huge chunk of class going through the militaristic drills of "sit nicely!", interchanged with "sit nobly!". Now, in front of any teacher, whether sitting in a line outside the auditorium or misbehaving in their classroom I can bark "sit nobly" and seconds later I have a band of tiny gallant knights. Some teachers laugh with delight, others frown in confusion (and jealousy).
Though it is highly amusing now, it will no doubt become a heartwrenching tableau when I must leave them in 11 months, when a new teacher replaces me.
I don't think I will teach the kids: The King is dead, long live the King!
"Sit Nobly!" will die with me.
Wow, its been well over a month since I've started my 2nd tour of duty in Korea. So much for updating this damn blog everyday eh? My laziness knows no bounds, and apparently no borders!
So whats been up with me? Well, I won't bore you with going over every single detail (from eating to pooping) like I've tended to do in my previous blogs. Instead I will just bore you with a rundown of how life has been treating me here in the Asian city of Ulsan, the Hamilton of South Korea (only Southern Ontario folk will understand that comment).
The school Liz and I work at is an actual kindergarten. Its not a hagwon run by a corrupt inept Korean businessaen who'd sooner open an orphanage-for-profit than a school (for corrupt orphanages look no further than Thailand and Cambodia built for those tourists who 'need to make a difference'). As it is a real school filled to the 3rd floor (the 4th floor is a roof surrounded on every side by high-rise apartments where the students mothers can monitor us constantly) packed with the wealthy children of Ulsan raised by soccer-mom Koreans, a teacher cannot get drunk and slag off like they would in a regular English school. Here, if you don't prepare your classes, not only do you quickly sink like a rock clutching your little ones (you all go down screaming) but you must then answer to your supervisors. These 18-hour workday Koreans will slice off your balls one by one should you not know exactly how you are going to spend each and every minute with these squealing bags of money. A person from the head office in Seoul even comes down to watch your classes and rip you to pieces with advice and notes designed to make you a better teacher (something I still never plan to actually be). In short, you must prepare and you must meet their expectations.
And you know what? That's exactly what a lazy, asshole like me needs. Last year, I wasn't abusive to the students, I barely yelled and never (rarely) came in drunk...hungover is different but I blame the soju and nightly peer pressure. What I never did though, ignoring all advice (yes mom, I am referring to your back country driving) was prepare. I would come stumbling in at 2pm, barely awake (I did just live across the street from my school), smelling of sleep and an assortment of the previous nights drinks, grab the 'teaching book' from the scowling Korean teacher - grunt "what page?!" as I skulked into the classroom.
Nothing good ever came from that. But still I did it. Within months I'd realized that once Hangman was offically dead (ba dum bum), photocopying "topical" word searches was the key. If a fellow teacher had done the same word search with the same class the day prior I simply told the hateful students to do it faster and "with even more English than yesterday!". God help me if the photocopier was busted that day, and God help the students too who would than be forced to stare at me for a full hour drawing crude penis-shaped drawings on the whiteboard before angrily erasing it...mumbling aloud, "elephants trunk looks like a damn penis again...why haven't these kids learned the word penis yet?! Make my job a whole ^%$lot easier! Uh-oh teacher just had another barf burp!".
I can't do that at IPS. But even if I could, I wouldn't. Even though I never thought it would happen, I actually am enjoying teaching the little ones...and wouldn't you be surprised to know that they are in fact improving day by day? As I may have mentioned in my previous blog, oh about a month ago, I am the primary English teacher for the year 6 students. Now saying that they are a 'Year 6' doesn't mean that they are in fact 6 years old, for as I am in Korea and they consider a newborn to be a year old the minute they "fly" out of the warm amniotic nest they are only about 5 in Canada. There are about 12 to each class and they get highly offended if you don't remember their names or if you don't praise them for drawing animals multiple colors. And boy do they get annoyed if you mistake them to be a "sweet little girl" when in fact they are a "boy".
I've only managed to do this once to a little chubby-cheeked, bowlcut-haired boy (who looks like a girl) whose name is Roy. I could never understand why he kept scowling and saying what I assumed to be "I love you!" in Korean whilst crossing his arms angrily. Until one morning a few weeks ago he came in and after brushing off one of my standard, "and hows my little princess today!?" lines I turned to Liz in a huff and haugtily declared that Roy was "one angry little girl". Liz laughed and surprised me with the fact that Roy was a Boy.
Boy was I surprised!
Anyways, though the work week is long and the pressure is on from 9-5 I am having fun and making more cash than I did last year. Knowing instantly that I love nothing more than adoring fans (even ones who poop themselves once or twice a week) I have become the main person who does the "morning announcements" everyday (nobody else wanted the job anyhow). I begin each "meeting" with a long "Goooooooooood morning IPS!!" a la Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and talk slowly and clearly about everything from the weather to what movie I watched the night before and what I felt about it (teacher loved True Lies and was so surprised to see Jamie Lee Curtis was so beautiful with no clothes on!). Sometimes when another teacher is filling in, I am called in for special segments. Tomorrow for example, I must teach the kids our new Halloween song which is a modified version of Jingle Bells. Considering I often, albeit accidentally start off these modified songs about 3 octaves too high (from a rich base to a ball-crunching soprano) it usually makes for an interesting couple of minutes. Also, since we have to play some of the songs over and over again (easier if they are on a CD) I find myself singing the songs obsessively throughout the week. I've had many a teacher tell me to "shut up" because I wouldn't stop singing a famous Korean folk song called Arirang. If I ever have a movie of my life and there is a musical montage of my time in Korea, this would be the song I'd like played over it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCRR_4Gexm4 - this is a 48 second short version with words but no video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdzzzhdwcFU - this is a Korean dude playing the flute but with no words - I think it better captures the beauty of the song (yes, I am applying lipstick and ladies stockings as I say this)
By the way, Craig or Dan or Dad or Mom, can anyone guess what awesome 80's movie features this song (it is played throughout, though it changes a bit and is even hummed by one of the main characters whom I compared myself to very early on in my first couple of blogs back before I left for Korea for the first time?). Hint: who is the most awesome Korean movie character we know?
Since discipline is very important in our school I've managed to draw a good line between being a teacher and being a friend. The kids know (yet constantly 'forget') not to talk when the teacher is talking (or doodling), not to fight (action speaks louder than words I yell to encourage physical violence!), and to "sit nicely". This sit nicely thing has always cracked me up, for when the kids start crawling around (which would inevitably lead to one of them walking into a wall and crying bloody murder) all you have to do is bark, "sit nicely!" and the children will sit ramrod straight with their legs crossed and arms folded nicely on their little laps. One little boy though, a daydreaming boy named Jay who we were told to watch closely as he tends to rip his socks to bits if not monitored closely, refused to "sit nicely" one day and instead insisted on bowing like he was about to be knighted (head bowed, on one knee). I of course thought this was the funniest thing I've seen since I crapped myself a year prior, and rewarded his loyalty with a heavily-valued (and more stable currency than Canada) IPS dollar - which they collect with a rabid fervor to spend at the end of the month on a market day where I can guilt them into buying me candy.
Anyways, the class saw how I reacted to this little sock-destroying boy bowing like a brave knight and, knowing how impressionable I am, suddenly all began doing it with a gravitas usually only given to real Kings. Delighted that they would do this, I spent a huge chunk of class going through the militaristic drills of "sit nicely!", interchanged with "sit nobly!". Now, in front of any teacher, whether sitting in a line outside the auditorium or misbehaving in their classroom I can bark "sit nobly" and seconds later I have a band of tiny gallant knights. Some teachers laugh with delight, others frown in confusion (and jealousy).
Though it is highly amusing now, it will no doubt become a heartwrenching tableau when I must leave them in 11 months, when a new teacher replaces me.
I don't think I will teach the kids: The King is dead, long live the King!
"Sit Nobly!" will die with me.
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